Bitter End

So take a step back again
We'll grind ourselves down to a bitter end
Don't deny me
Don't deny me my bitter end

There's a lot I could say about my race at Baystate. The weather, which seemed like it could have been much worse, was really great minus a head win. My training paid off as the post-run was more successful (less dry heaving!). I am not 100% sure I'm sold on the marathon distance (directly after it was most certainly was NOT). I'm not disappointed but I am because the biggest thing I can say about Baystate is this:

I missed my qualifying time by 2:09.

So close and yet so far.

I don't know how I feel about that in reality. I am happy with the 7 minute or so PR - that means I did something right. I don't know where I lost the time (I mean the second half) and I don't know if I knew to make it up. There is a small part (the part that wants to blame something else) that blames my watch which didn't seem to keep the proper splits, but even that is an empty thought. I don't remember NOT running my best because of what I thought I was running. I DO remember, though, thinking I had this and imagined crossing the line successfully at the half way point (when I did still have it). But I also remember falling apart with 2-3 miles to go and wanting to just STOP because I knew I didn't have it in me and "why did it even matter"? I remember that thought so clearly and wanting so badly to just sit and cry and very devastated because, in some ways it is devastating, but in other ways it is just a run and a darn good one at that. But I also remember NOT stopping and pushing through and how, although I feel total loss at the work and the fact it didn't pay off how I wanted to, I know that was a small victory over myself.

I wish that I could say I found that power sooner and could have made up those minutes - but I can't. I didn't have it when I needed it, but I at least did get it. I am not sure what the future of my marathon training or attempts at BQ hold. I think it is time to maybe find a little more joy and focus in my running that is not related to a training plan. I am hoping that perhaps I'll try to do this blogging more and think more about running and open up about it and the training that I'll do as I approach my mid-to-late thirties. I know that, despite this set back, it was a hard fought attempts from day one of this training. I put a lot into it and I am not sad about that because I tried and perhaps I'll try again, but for now, I am going to rest and slowly gear up for my Turkey Trot.

The Game Is On Again

And here we go. The time has come. Baystate is Sunday and all that is left is one dust off run and the race. I’ll have to  re-read my post from last year and the week leading up to this race because this year I feel like there is so much more trepidation and worry about it. I am trying to stay in the mindset of really truly does doesn’t matter. But after almost a full year preparing for this mentally and physically it seems like there is a lot on the line. I am us feel like I’m going into this as if I could win it. That is so ridiculous but that is how my focus feels and after a pretty rough summer of training I just want this to be over but I also wanted to be successful. Last year I feel like the goal was to of course qualify but there was also an element of just run your first marathon. This year I feel like that’s not enough in the pressure that I seem to  be putting on my self is relatively ridiculous but it’s there.

At the same time there is an aspect to this of just get it done and let it be done and let it be what it is. Unlike last year though that let it be what it is has an element of please look at me and then I qualify. I don’t know if I have another marathon training schedule in me. It is funny because I actually now feel like I enjoyed the train but while doing this it was so much work and there was so much frustration at times that I don’t look back on it that finally despite the shape that I am in. There’s also the issue with the taper time because it always feels like this is when you are gaining weight and losing speed. It’s part of the process and I know that and the whole point is that my body should be ready to pull me through the 26.2 miles but right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s possible to do it at an 8:10 pace.

 It is funny because I actually now feel like I enjoyed the train but while doing this it was so much work and there was so much frustration at times that I don’t look back on it that finally despite the shape that I am in. There’s also the issue with the taper time because it always feels like this is when you are gaining weight and losing speed. It’s part of the process and I know that and the whole point is that my body should be ready to pull me through the 26.2 miles but right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s possible to do it at an 8:10 pace.  But I’m trying to trust in the training and I’m trying trust myself and I’m also trying to trust in the fact that this isn’t everything. Hopefully what I’ve done is enough and more than what I did last year and it will be a success. But if it’s not I have to remember that none of this defiance me and if anything defines me it is the training that I did and the work that I did.

It all does come down to one race but this is also a matter of days and minutes and miles and disc comfort and happiness and sadness that matter more than the one race. Hopefully you can all come together and I will be celebrating a BQ because I think that I’ve done what I needed to do but again you never know.  And with in the spaces of never knowing are all the doubts and the fears but sometimes you have to just push through and hope for the best. For the next few days I’m going to hope for the best and when I’m at the starting line when I continue to hope for the best and while I log those miles and see the minutes add up I’m going to hope.

 And if it doesn’t work out I’m going to try to remember how much I do love running and how far I have come and how far I could potential he go if I ever decide to do this again.