Getting Back Some Joy

Last year was really not a great year. It wasn’t awful, but it had a number of low points and stressful times, more so than other years. Those moments and, I think, me pushing through those times, took a lot of my joy away from running. And running less than joyfully didn’t give me the stress relief I wanted it to give me. And so it was a vicious circle. 

Many of the stresses still remain: the house and work namely, and some low points linger, the loss of our pup and the disappointment of Bayshore, but those lessen with time. So I’m looking to find some of my joy back in running and, in some ways, it’s slowly coming around. 

I’ve started to move past my leg and back, now knowing it may just be “one of those things”, and looking to challenge myself a bit. I’ve felt small fitness increases and, with those, some ease with some of my runs. I’m trying to remember why I run and want to run and race. Honestly, the Olympics help a lot with that. 

All of this I suppose is just acknowledging different seasons in running and embracing all of them for what they are. 

Circled

​In a way, I guess I just full circled myself. 

After taking many months off or limited exercise while trying to figure out what was going on with my back, turns out that my back is just me being old. I’m still not 100% sure if I think that’s the outcome but post MRI I guess I’m just going to try and focus on proper nutrition recovery, and easing back into running. 

The spring is looking different than it has in many years. I’ll probably end up doing 2/2 marathon or that is the goal. No Marathon for me. It’s a little bit nice not to have the long runs during winter, especially with the winter that we’ve had, but it’s also kind of weird. Because of that, I think the goal is then shifting to do a fall or early winter full marathon. My husband is doing Chicago, so trying to line up the training between the two of us, but we will see.

I’m still trying to find some of the excitement and our motivation for running. It’s coming back incrementally which is nice and I’m hoping that I can just flip my season and have an enjoyable yet hard summer of training.

We’ll see how that goes.

I’m also trying to still make the switch to work out in the mornings during the week. I’m an endless broken record about that, but I am just finding getting home at night later and not having the motivation to run. Abstinent being something to do with my iron or energy levels I think it just is how my life has shifted. Ideally, I’ll be able to motivate myself for the half marathon because the runs are longer to get up and go in the morning. 

As someone said, it’s a muscle you have to train it like anything else so we shall see. 

December 28th-January 3rd

I'm not in anything official yet and, honestly, not sure what early 2026 is going to look like to then shape up the rest of 2026. For now, I'm trying to focus on getting healthy both post-whatever-flu-cold-illness I've had for a week and whatever is happening with the back/hip. Then I guess I'll assess some goals. Really, the biggest one right now is to get back on track and excited for working out again. It's been a long time since I felt a spark and I'm hoping maybe putting some more intention into working out will help. So I'll try to log again and see where I'm at.

December 28th: I was feeling a bit better but not great so went for a walk/run on the tread. Not the best but got in 2.28 miles which was the most in far too long.

December 29th: Nada. The work day crushed me and I went to be at 8pm.

December 30th: Birthday dinner and bed at 8:30pm.

December 31st: NYE and, we'll say, I was preserving my energy.

January 1st: Feeling finally better and figured I'd give it an easy go. Around 2.50-3miles on the tread at a low and slow speed watching some YouTube.

January 2nd: I think I'm just still lingering in my tired-state. I'm hopeful a day off from everything will just help and tomorrow and moving forward will finally feel normal.

January 3rd: I got myself to the gym and ellipticaled for about 35 minutes and did some closed circuit legs (press - double and single legged and ab and ad ducters). Not yet feeling the groove but trying. 

Never the Same

​In all honesty, 2025 was meh to blah to awful. It was a lot of work for little success. It was a lot of loss with little gain. It was a year that I felt stuck, still do in some ways, with constant attempts to unstick but with limited success. It was a lot of stress and stressors and discomfort. I felt like, especially in the fall, that I could never get ahead and was always falling short. I kind of then just gave in and gave up to trying to fight against the constant pull in all directions.

And then there was the dog.

The loss of the pup is what really colors the whole year. It’s just a hole that won’t ever be filled and make 2025 bleak and sad. 

I’m not really in a place to say or wish for 2026 to be better. Not because I don’t want it to be but because none of the big loss will ever be okay. 2026 won’t be better because there’s no pup. It’ll be different and maybe that’s what I can hope for and focus on. 

For now, I still carry my sadness and loneliness. I will for a long while but I’m trying to carrying some other things. Some motivation. Excitement for maybe some what ifs. So dedication to answers. Some hope that I can find that spark.

For now, I focused on getting some easy miles in this am and an x-ray tomorrow. It’s going to be the little things in these first weeks and, hopefully, will paint the scene for the year. 

Hard Days

This is one of those harder days. I don’t feel like I need to sit down and burst into tears*, but there is a silent sadness that is following me. 

This would’ve been a day where the pup and I would have slowly woken up in the morning. Just the two of us. Potentially he would have been in the bed and we would’ve had some morning pets and the ability to hang out and just be the two of us. There would’ve been food, and attempt to go outside multiple times, and just a slow existence between us. I would’ve been in my chair, reading and scrolling the Internet. He would’ve been in his bed probably asleep or snuggling under blankets looking outside. He would wake and smell for me and then rest again.  Perhaps he would’ve barked at Mr. Brooks who I saw earlier in the day. And we would’ve been around each other‘s orbit all day. Just the two of us hanging out. 

I probably would have gone for a run, but likely I would have stayed inside because I wouldn’t want to venture too far. The reason for not wanting to venture too far would’ve been twofold. One, I was very cognizant of trying to spend our time together, but I also didn’t want to come back to messes. I probably would’ve stepped out and run some errands, came home and cleaned up after him, been a little bit frustrated about that perhaps let him know that perhaps I wouldn’t have. It just would have been a day that we were together in our little family that we formed over the years just the two of us, even when there were three of us. 

Today is a hard day because life is going on and it’s going on in a different way. I am going to step out and go to a gym that I just joined because I’m able to join it now. I’m going to be gone for probably a couple hours and there will be no one to come home too. There will be no messes. But there will also be no tail wag and there will be no Joy at seeing me. I truly miss the little guy, even while my life in some ways is easier. Easier doesn’t mean that it is better and I also really miss the way things used to be. 

Today is a sad day.

*I had my hard cry in the car. The kind that makes you hurt in a physical way. And nothing changed. 

A Little Lost

​After the half and news of our pup, I went into focused mood for him. We didn’t know how much time we had with him and I was off running so it was easy. Or easier. Nothing about it or him was easy. 

He was my little guy. A life form I took care of for over 10 years. The Best Guy. And he was sick and him already short time with us was going to be shorter.

So we cared for him like always but with some more sadness but still hope and love. But then the day came and he collapsed and the short time we had was cut so very short. We said goodbye on a Tuesday and, from there out, nothing would be the same. 

We’ve gotten better over the weeks. It’s less sad, but still empty. He was such a joy even when he was frustrating that, to lose that, lessens our light or at least mine. Everything is just sort of sad in me. 

There’s also a little bit of relief too which is also sad. I never wanted to think of the burden side of him but, without him, there’s just less. Less of everything. 

So all of this to say, there’s not much running these days but maybe soon. Life does go on and, even if I miss him everyday day, that fact won’t change. 

And Just Like That

Last Sunday, we ran our half and, with that, my 2025 season I'm calling officially over. I may put in a Turkey Trot, but not sure as my hip (see below) is still being a problem.

But the half went, overall, at or better than expected. First off, my husband won which is fantastic. It  perhaps wasn't the fastest pool of runners, but still neat that he can do that. I went into the half hopping that, perhaps, I could hold something like a 1:42-1:43 but thinking a 1:45 was more than likely. My coach always seemed on that same page and did not give me any false hope. I ended up running a 1:44:49 so made it under the 1:45 just barely. I actually felt pretty good during the race and the course was harder than I anticipated so holding onto that felt overall good.

This year of training has not been easy. It had some real highlights, I think back to my 20 mile long with with 3 miles at MP and how awesome that felt. But it had more downs overall and I feel like I just kept fighting this year without, in the end, much reward. I also feel like that fight is just gone right now so I'm a little lost as to what I want to do next or how to approach it. I know we're in a life rough patch right now so it's hard to see what might be on the other side of this, but I'm trying.

My goal for the rest of the year is to figure out what's going on with this hip and then to slowly build back in December. I am not sure how much running there will be in November, but I'm not saying none just yet. And then I hope that I'll enter 2026 feeling better and more motivated. There are a lot of changes that are just outside of reach but will be here before I know it so I don't know how all of that will shake itself out on my running journey.

I guess what I am is to find some ease in my life and, while the running is hard, I don't want the other aspects to feel that way. I've been promised it will be different so I'm hoping that's correct. 

For now though, I think I just rest a bit.