What to Dream?

It’s been a while since I’ve felt prepared for a race and I sort of feel that way for this one. The training the last few weeks has sort of clicked and I feel like I’ve gained fitness. I don’t think I’m in PR shape but I also don’t entirely know what shape I am in. And after so many months, almost a year or perhaps even a year, of constantly hoping for that breakout I’m sort of chewing on the idea could this be it?

I guess I want it to be it but I also want to have a good day where I feel like I put it all out there and tried. I don’t know if that means a PR these days but I wanted to feel like if I was interviewed on a podcast I could say I did everything I could in the race.

Did We Do It?

I've had two good weekends of speed work that have helped to boost my confidence in running in general and, in some ways, bring a little joy back to it (probably because of feeling like I can still accomplish maybe something big). Last week I held onto 3x1.5 miles despite having a tummy and head that didn't like me. I think that run and my following long run may have messed up my system a bit, because I did not feel great on Tuesday, but by Wednesday seemed okay. What that meant or means though was five days in a row of running if I wanted to be close to my training plan.

I dialed back some of the easy run distances, because of time and energy, but have so far held on to keeping most mileage. Today I did a progressive HMP workout starting at 10 second more than HMP, HMP and then 10 second faster than HMP. For me I put my goals at 7:50, 7:40 and 7:30. I tend to talk myself out of progressive runnings claiming "I'm not good at them" in terms of managing the speed increases and steady-state, but today I tried really hard not to follow that narrative.

My splits were: 7:52, 7:52, 7:36, 7:41, 7:33, 7:32 so turns out I can manage my paces if I focus. I think some of that is having had a coach for almost while and having better management of prescribed paces in workouts. I felt overall pretty good during this run. By the end, I was glad to be done and I'm not sure a 7:30 half marathon pace is there for me which was also a far reaching goal, but there is a little excitement there about what I could maybe pull off. I'd LOVE a 1:39:59 and losing the "4" before my half marathon pace, but I think that's still a stretch. For now, I'm thinking between a 1:40-1:45 but closer to the 1:45. You never know and we'll see how I feel, how the weather is and what the course shapes up to be, but there is that lilt trickle of "hmm maybe I can pull something off".

Marathon Monday

As each year passes and Marathon Monday comes around again, I keep thinking about how much I’d like to be out there, but also how maybe this isn’t for me. I won’t give up on the dream of running it by qualifying, but it seems like something that is a bit out of reach. I will say that Marathon Monday was what made me want to run a marathon. I still can remember running after watching it in … 2009? And thinking, yes I can run one of those. I can remember how blissful that run felt. And it may have taken a few years, but I did run one. And then another and another and so on.

It is hard not to feel the desire and the wish for Boston, but I think there is much I can be proud of in my running even if that never happens. I’ll keep striving to run my best races, because I think I can still do that, but I’ll recognize that my best may not be enough which is overall okay. I wish it meant something else but that’s okay. If I can keep putting myself on the start line and keep trying as I age, maybe that’s enough.

Reframing

Every althelete, not matter what level, knows the day will come when there are no longer chasing PRs not due to the lack of want, desire or drive, but due to age. It's not a fun thought to consider and, I expect, not a fun one to live and I find myself wondering if I'm reaching that age or getting close to it.

I think that I never tested myself in the marathon until recently so I think, in some ways, I may not be at the end of a PR stage yet although perhaps because I missed what my prime may be. That is something I'll never know so no reason to consider it. I do wonder, though, if this idea of a PR or, heaven forbid, a BQ is something that is out of my grasp now. 

I hope not and I'm not sure if I'm giving up the ghost just yet, but the idea is there. I had a hard and disappointing workout today. Perhaps it is because I am not fit enough yet or perhaps it is that I am not fit for those number any longer. I am not sure and haven't decided what to think, but the thought it there and it was there during the run.

I kept thinking/wondering if this was my new normal. If these hard paces, once not as hard, we my limit now. I suppose if the work is still there and the effort is still there, that is all a good thing, but I'd like to think I may be able to toe the line and hit something quicker than before still.

We shall see. For now, I'll try to keep pushing and hope that finish line will come quicker than expected.

A Good Day

​Today was a good run. 

I don’t know if it was figuring a (maybe better) breakfast (sour dough ftw) or some fueling or just improvement in fitness, but it was nice to hard a run that just … happening. 

I’m hopeful keep this positivity with me going forward through this remaining half training plan and then… 

And then…

Into a fall marathon training. 

For the first time in a while my mindset is a little bit of:

Let’s go.  

Tale as Old As Time

There's not much to report about my running last week and that's not the worst thing. I'm in a small in-between, post-race but pre-race that is quicker than usual. I took a run day off last week as the legs were feeling tired and I had some swelling in my left knee, but that seems to have alleviated and wasn't any worse after the 8 miler yesterday. I'm hopeful that I can pick-up this week and lean into the training before the half in May. After that, we'll have a short rest and then ideally hit up some marathon summer training.

I'm trying to work strength into my routine so come summer it'll be a part of what I do. I know it's not hard, but it's not fun and certainly not something that I want to spend more of my little free time during the week on. But if I want to run healthy and hopefully well, I need to think about the importance of that. As well as the importance of my diet. 

I've had a few too many days where I don't want to run not only because I'm tired, but because I'm hungry. I am working to try and find a balance of food during the work day that fills me and allows me to run at an earlier time than would likely make sense if I had an earlier lunch. So far that's a work in progress being that I am still quite full from my 1pm lunch today.

All in all, I'm just trying to find some rhythm again and, in some ways, maybe for the first time in a long time. That is sort of exciting, isn't it?

Where the Concrete Meets the Water

Eastern States was, in two words, not fun. Some other words that may work include: windy, cold, snowy/rainy/sleety, hard, suffer-fest, done.

I went into this run looking forward to a good race. Not necessarily in time because I am still working myself back into fitness, but in terms of the mental game. I feel a little bit more like myself with running these days and it has a little bit more joy in it. As I've posted before, some of this has to do with a real difficult 2025 at various times, a rut with running due to injury and winter. As all these things melt away way a bit, there is a little sunshine coming back to my daily runs.

So, I was ready for a race where I could put my brain to work and see what my body could do when I ran smart and interested. Eastern States, or perhaps New England weather, said "nah".

From the start, when the sleet came through at the line, I was worried. I am not the best at cold running and sometimes can find myself real cold and unable to warm-up. That concern, although I was relatively properly dressed, stayed with me well into the first few miles. I wasn't actually cold, my legs were a bit but working fine, but I just kept thinking "what if". What if I get too cold? When can I leave the course? How do I leave the course? What are the signs of something going bad? All this kept circling in my head even while I ran.

It was a head down type of run to mostly due to the wind and rain hitting you in the face and also because it was just a get through it type of day. While I had mini panics about how wrong something could go, I also kept saying how strong I was to be out there fighting for something that, honestly, carries little significance in my life other than as a hobby. I also did not do well with fuel or water intake, the misery of the run causing the lack of focus and desire for either.

I gave into music probably around mile 7 or 8 and the splits there show why I did and why I needed to do it. I had another hard spell at miles 10/11 although, in retrospect, I thinking a lot of that was the head wind. I found some people to work beside and that was nice even if no one was really enjoying it all that much. It was really inspiring, though, to see the friend/coach who was pacing their runner and how hard they both worked in different ways. I hope they reached their goal.

Afterwards, I actually feel okay about it all. I'm not really disappointed but I wouldn't say that I'm proud either. I did fight through the day, but I didn't fight that much other than to the finish line. I do feel ready to focus on training and to also focus more roundly on it, including strength, food and fuel. I have some plans for fuel I'd like to try and hope they are good for the stomach. I have some idea of how I can work in even the most basic strength. And food will always be a learning experience.

Up next is a half marathon May 9th and then it will be some rest, some of the local shorter races, and gearing up for a fall marathon. I'm hopeful that I can keep this will strong and see what I can do this year.

Be Curious

I’m looking to approach this Eastern States (half marathon edition) with positivity and curiosity. It’s been a while since I’ve done a race that I didn’t have some internal pressure on myself. The half from last fall was sort of wooes-me run. It was just a survive because you signed up for it, the training was a bear, and I was too stubborn to call it. Bayshore marathon earlier in 2025 obviously had plenty of pressure and disappointment associated with it. The shorter races in the summer don’t carry much expectation with them and are always a “let’s see” race. 

In 2024 Newport was a big leap for me with hiring a coach and trying to make up for Providence and prove that was a fluke. The half in the fall was a let’s see and it went well but I still had the PR goal hanging over it (which I got). 
For this run, I think I’m excited and looking forward to see how it goes. I have some goals in terms of how I want to run it but nothing with a time really associated with it. I’ve slowly been getting my training a bit more under wraps and in a place where I’m seeing progress and seeing a little bit of that potential that I’ve had over the past two years. It’s nice and I know that I should treat this block as a way of finding myself and my running and joy again
The run tomorrow is just one more time to celebrate that I am able to be out there with other people doing something that has, most of the time, brought joy. I’m still hopeful I’ll have another swing at a half later in the spring and then I am even more hopeful, I’ll be hungry for something in the fall.

DSL

We are almost to day light savings time and getting back that end of the day sunlight. It's such a change in the mood for me during this time. I don't really mind the cold of winter or the snow or storms. This year they were a bit more stressful with our house, but we seemed to have survived. With the cold and snow, I can keep myself inside, workout on the treadmill, and go outside if I feel like it on the weekends.

But the loss of the sunlight in November is what hits me hard. It makes the days feel never-ending in a weird way. Wake-up in the dark, go home in the dark. Rinse and repeat. 

I lose a lot of my freedom outside with the loss of light too. We live in an area where I'd have to drive if I want to run outside after work and, really, that I don't have the energy for that. That would all be okay (see previous paragraph about how I can manage the tread) but with the husband always at home, there is a lose of alone time. It's all so rushed in a way when it's on the tread and noisy. It feels confining during the week that has little to do with the weather. Once we spring back, it feels like taking a deep breath. There is still winter, and in recent years, storms, but there is hope and space.

I think right now that's what I really need: hope. Just a little something that shines light around everything and everyone. Winters are hard and this winter felt and feels particularly hard. I think life feels heavy. Perhaps with the end of the dark days literally, there will be some light days figuratively. 

Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

I managed to get a long run done outside on Sunday before another storm rolled through. It was the same route as last week, plus a mile and went so much better. I think some of that was due to the cold that occupied most of my thoughts for the first two miles, including the making deals with oneself that I'll go so far and turn around, but once you get to the turn around point you're finally warm and in a groove. 

The pace was quicker too although I hadn't made that a goal. I felt overall pretty strong and like some of the fitness that I've lost, but had in my back pocket is coming back around. It's a positive feeling and I hope that it continues throughout the rest of this spring and will remain somewhat present during the summer when the "real" work begins (or so I hope).

Then we go walloped (although not as bad as some places) with more snow. Yesterday was a very lazy day, one of those where you sort of wonder if you're in a mild depression, but with the crazy wind and snow, I think there was a better reason for the laze. I did a short bike ride because I'm still trying to add that in and it was dull, but I was watching some TV so not the worst. Today, because of work closures, I was able to do a mid-day seven miles which was just lovely. I forget how nice running is when you are shoving it in at the end of a busy day. The four days off of work, without travel, have been nice and it'll be a real reality hit tomorrow when everything is rushing for three days but so it goes.

For right now, I'm happy and that's what matters.

Getting Back Some Joy

Last year was really not a great year. It wasn’t awful, but it had a number of low points and stressful times, more so than other years. Those moments and, I think, me pushing through those times, took a lot of my joy away from running. And running less than joyfully didn’t give me the stress relief I wanted it to give me. And so it was a vicious circle. 

Many of the stresses still remain: the house and work namely, and some low points linger, the loss of our pup and the disappointment of Bayshore, but those lessen with time. So I’m looking to find some of my joy back in running and, in some ways, it’s slowly coming around. 

I’ve started to move past my leg and back, now knowing it may just be “one of those things”, and looking to challenge myself a bit. I’ve felt small fitness increases and, with those, some ease with some of my runs. I’m trying to remember why I run and want to run and race. Honestly, the Olympics help a lot with that. 

All of this I suppose is just acknowledging different seasons in running and embracing all of them for what they are. 

Circled

​In a way, I guess I just full circled myself. 

After taking many months off or limited exercise while trying to figure out what was going on with my back, turns out that my back is just me being old. I’m still not 100% sure if I think that’s the outcome but post MRI I guess I’m just going to try and focus on proper nutrition recovery, and easing back into running. 

The spring is looking different than it has in many years. I’ll probably end up doing 2/2 marathon or that is the goal. No Marathon for me. It’s a little bit nice not to have the long runs during winter, especially with the winter that we’ve had, but it’s also kind of weird. Because of that, I think the goal is then shifting to do a fall or early winter full marathon. My husband is doing Chicago, so trying to line up the training between the two of us, but we will see.

I’m still trying to find some of the excitement and our motivation for running. It’s coming back incrementally which is nice and I’m hoping that I can just flip my season and have an enjoyable yet hard summer of training.

We’ll see how that goes.

I’m also trying to still make the switch to work out in the mornings during the week. I’m an endless broken record about that, but I am just finding getting home at night later and not having the motivation to run. Abstinent being something to do with my iron or energy levels I think it just is how my life has shifted. Ideally, I’ll be able to motivate myself for the half marathon because the runs are longer to get up and go in the morning. 

As someone said, it’s a muscle you have to train it like anything else so we shall see. 

December 28th-January 3rd

I'm not in anything official yet and, honestly, not sure what early 2026 is going to look like to then shape up the rest of 2026. For now, I'm trying to focus on getting healthy both post-whatever-flu-cold-illness I've had for a week and whatever is happening with the back/hip. Then I guess I'll assess some goals. Really, the biggest one right now is to get back on track and excited for working out again. It's been a long time since I felt a spark and I'm hoping maybe putting some more intention into working out will help. So I'll try to log again and see where I'm at.

December 28th: I was feeling a bit better but not great so went for a walk/run on the tread. Not the best but got in 2.28 miles which was the most in far too long.

December 29th: Nada. The work day crushed me and I went to be at 8pm.

December 30th: Birthday dinner and bed at 8:30pm.

December 31st: NYE and, we'll say, I was preserving my energy.

January 1st: Feeling finally better and figured I'd give it an easy go. Around 2.50-3miles on the tread at a low and slow speed watching some YouTube.

January 2nd: I think I'm just still lingering in my tired-state. I'm hopeful a day off from everything will just help and tomorrow and moving forward will finally feel normal.

January 3rd: I got myself to the gym and ellipticaled for about 35 minutes and did some closed circuit legs (press - double and single legged and ab and ad ducters). Not yet feeling the groove but trying. 

Never the Same

​In all honesty, 2025 was meh to blah to awful. It was a lot of work for little success. It was a lot of loss with little gain. It was a year that I felt stuck, still do in some ways, with constant attempts to unstick but with limited success. It was a lot of stress and stressors and discomfort. I felt like, especially in the fall, that I could never get ahead and was always falling short. I kind of then just gave in and gave up to trying to fight against the constant pull in all directions.

And then there was the dog.

The loss of the pup is what really colors the whole year. It’s just a hole that won’t ever be filled and make 2025 bleak and sad. 

I’m not really in a place to say or wish for 2026 to be better. Not because I don’t want it to be but because none of the big loss will ever be okay. 2026 won’t be better because there’s no pup. It’ll be different and maybe that’s what I can hope for and focus on. 

For now, I still carry my sadness and loneliness. I will for a long while but I’m trying to carrying some other things. Some motivation. Excitement for maybe some what ifs. So dedication to answers. Some hope that I can find that spark.

For now, I focused on getting some easy miles in this am and an x-ray tomorrow. It’s going to be the little things in these first weeks and, hopefully, will paint the scene for the year.