Expected Joy

Yesterday was the a local 5K that's been around for nine years of which I've done for seven years (twice virtual). It's a good race for a good cause and I greatly enjoy being able to support the foundation. The 5K route has changes little bits over the year, but the one constant is the last half mile or so to the finish which is up a drive way entrance to the parking lot of a ski lodge. It is toooough. 

The first 1.5 miles is all downhill, but it's not enough to make up for the little bit back up and then this hill. It is enough for you too run too fast and then die. I've done that (last year was the worst) and I also can hear and see others do the same. 

This year I didn't have an expectation going in and actually convinced myself I wouldn't race since the marathon was fairly recent and I've only been bopping along. But it's hard not to go when the stat happens so I did and I felt like I was mentally in a good spot. I started quick and then eased myself back for the remainder of the downhill knowing that, in years past when I've bombed a sub-seven minute mile I feel much more apart at the next 1.5 miles. I didn't look much at my watch (still in auto lap mode) and went by feel. When we took the turn to head back I said to myself "okay, now it when the hard work begins". I didn't shy away from it and aimed to embrace it.

I had a couple guys around me and latched on just passed mile two, trying to be pulled by them and then I realized I was the one pulling them which was fine so I just kept going. The driveway was brutal as always, but I jogged it and then regrouped at the top (passing two women on the way). The stomach was tense for a couple steps after the touch spot, but I got it back under control. There was no one to try and catch so I just ran.

Turns out I ran nearly a PR on this course and I won my age group. I had some tummy tumbles right at the end, but held it together. I was happy with this and it was a nice boost after Bayshore (which still wasn't BAD, but it wasn't what I wanted) so it was nice to have a victory this time. My husband got second overall, fun to seem him in the front pack at the turn around) and also won his age group. 

It was a good day.

And, even though it wasn't a PR technically, it was the first time I did the last mile in under eight minutes so that's pretty neat.

My achilles is very pissed at me so I need to try and address that. I'm hoping this little push may be some of the hump I need to get over and the dusting myself off. Ideally, I'll be able to manage this achilles things and start to bring in my, even optimistic, strength training in the mix. My mom comes into town this Wednesday so there will be a little less running which isn't a bad thing (not like I'm doing a ton, but you get what I mean).

Think of London and the Girl

There's not much to my workout/running these days. It's just some miles when I feel like it or what coach has put on the schedule. The plan is to do a fall half with a few shorter races sprinkled in. We're starting to get summer-like weather and, with that, comes the humidity. I always say I'm going to handle it better *this year* and always do it the same.

But THIS YEAR!

Meh, who knows, but it's always a goal.

One silly issue that gets in the way is these aligners because it makes a whole Thing of taking anything other than water. Luckily, I am closer to the end then the beginning so I don't hate the idea of being less strict with them, but I also don't want to have an issue or undo the work that I had done.

This week I logged 10.50 miles and they were all fine. Not much to write home about, but they didn't feel like a chore and nothing screamed at me so that's all good. I may see how morning runs fit in this go around, but, very much like managing the humidity, most of that is just wishful thinking.

But I Did Not Lose

Coming back into running is taking a bit this go around. Last year, I was riding the high of my race turnout and was ready to go! right away. The body needed time, and a hard Marcotte 5k definitely highlighted that, but I was instantly excited for the next thing.

The year before with Providence I was emotionally not ready but physically and mentally I needed to get going again to prove I was okay. I got out pretty quick and just kept going all the way into getting a coach.

This year I’m not sure where I’m at. There’s a bit of emotional whiplash from this block with home and work. It was a lot of work to get through this block and I feel like I’m still recovering. I feel like I’m needing the ability to say no to running but I also hate that. So I’m saying kinda to it.

Today’s run was the first since Bayshore were I felt a bit like my old self with some pep and not just awkward aches and things. It seems like running is waiting for me which is nice and I’ll get there soon.

Tomorrow is the Marcotte 5k which I’m pretty sure I’ll go to and just see what happens. But if I wake up and I feel like crap I won’t.

And I'll dream each night of some version of you.That I might not have, but I did not lose. Now you're tire tracks and one pair of shoes. And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do.

So Put Your Best Face on Everybody

I’m just out of Bayshore training and went back to the road for the first time. I certainly felt myself slipping in some life decisions in terms of food and beverages and non-exercising so getting the running shoes back on was a good idea.

The 3 miles were slow and a little awkward but not bad. It is Global Running Day so I sort of *had* to run.

I don’t yet know if I’m excited for a training block (I have time to get there) but I am happy to be working back into a routine.

At the End of the Day

I give myself some space to relax and, really, sort of fall apart or let go. 

One week. 

One week of eating mostly what I want, having drinks, little exercise. Just enough to relax and just start to feel bad enough that you want to get it back together. 

So today is the end. Tomorrow is back to the old me. Maybe not quite as dedicated as when in the middle of a training block, but back on a track. 

*there’s another day dawning

Bayshore Marathon - Part Two

Here's where I'm trying to actually see what I can breakdown from the race and the weekend to see where I can take measures to do better or even to just reflect.

The travel went well and I actually don't think it had any negative impact on my running. I expect it could if things went bad, but that's true of just about anything race week. If we travel again for a race, I think I'd like a slightly early landing time, maybe aim to be at the destination around 3-4pm, but we were still able to grab a reasonable dinner and have a good sleep.

The staying close by the day before was good and we were able to drive up with ease. Again, I don't think this part had anything bad and the expo was easy and quick. The drive was long, but not so long that you felt totally busted up by it. We figured out dinner plans which I would have liked for about an hour earlier, but I think the meal size and type was fine and that, although I'll take about food, wasn't the issue the next day.

The first issue I noticed was the place we stayed had a fridge that was at the entirely wrong volume for me. Some of this extreme focus is of course because of the race day stress, but that thing allowed me no rest. There was also my husband who clearly was agitated  and, although I feel asleep around 10pm when did some move or over-exaggerated sigh that woke me up and I truly never went back to sleep. Like Newport, I got about 3-4 hours of sleep but it was all the stress and sadness and anxiety that really hit me. I tried so hard and got so little. I know that has an impact, but I also know a bad sleep is somewhat expected.

For food in the AM I had bread, but no toasted. I have some PTSD from Providence which is when I had the same thing and I think the bread, either because it really does or mentally it does, sits too heavy. I managed to eat (and was somewhat hungry) but I never felt light afterwards.

Getting to the race was okay. There was some stress about parking, but it worked out and we paid to stay in a little pre-race spot which was great. I would definitely do that again and, if at other races, opt for it. It allowed for a stress free spot once we parked. Not ideal was my husband decided now was the time to share some crap about how he blamed me and was mad at me the night before for doing this. As if he is child. That actually hits me harder now than it did there. I also am more focused on it because I think I know when I woke up how that came to be so I'm frustrated. 

But we just hung out there, I awkwardly said hello to Dakota Popehna and then we were off.

I positioned myself by the 3:30 pacer, but I already could feel something off about the day, be it my motivation or my physical aspect of the race, I just wasn't confident in what I was about to do and holding it for 26.2 miles. I am not sure why that it. I think I worry so much about how far it is and what happens if (when) I reach a point and I not only can't hold my pace, I can't finish the race? It turns out, because I finished this race but not in the pace I wanted, perhaps I should just try and see because I am not sure how much of a fan I am of *this* feeling.

I am not great at retelling my race in terms of knowing exactly what happened and when. I know at around 5-7 miles I started to make the deal that it was okay if I didn't reach my goal and, because of out personalities, it was better if my husband made his. I began to say that it was okay because the block was good and hard and life was hard, so just getting here was enough. I started to give myself an out while not actually slowing down, but not pushing to get back on pace. I also convinced ,myself I had to pee and did at mile 11 so that was one of my 9 minute mile splits. I pulled out an 8:01 and 8:02 after that so, while I'm not sure if I had to stop, something mentally said I did and I lost sometime but I also made up some.

I crossed 13 at 1:47:41 which had me a little behind (although when I was running and doing racing math I thought I was still at a 3:35 pace - nope). I felt good then and thought just hold on and maybe you'll do something. Then around mile 16-17 I was having some tummy issues. There may have been a few before as I stopped taking salt tab, legit just spit one out with a solid, nope!, but around there I was running looking for a bathroom. I thought, for sure, I had to do a number two and was worried I was close to a real problem. I crossed mile 17.4 at 2:24:37 which (doing that math now not then) was holding the same pace as at the half. Looking at the spits, right at 18 is when the pace dropped by about 10-20 second a mile. I pulled off at mile 21 (the second 9 minute mile of the race) and did not need to number 2 but did have some gas. I think the stopping was a good idea, but I also wonder if I had just paused for a moment, farted to be frank and moved on, if that would have been good too. The relief at seeing the bathroom thought was legit.

I had some splitting my watch issue but the last two miles I got back to 8 and I did, even though I don't think it counts, realized I could get a Strava PR if I pushed and I did. I took the turn onto the track for the last 100 meters and a blood blister popped where I actually felt the liquid in my shoe. I had to hobble a bit, not able to catch the person in front of me, but was so glad it didn't happen earlier because that hurt a lot. 

I crossed the line and saw 3:38 and knew I missed the A and the B1 goal. I saw my husband quickly there after and met up. He got his goal, sub-3, and I said some nasty thing to him about the block and missing my goal. I regret that but... there was some honesty there too. I got a little teary and then just shut it down. I kind of wished we had visited and hung out a bit more but instead we went searching for the car. The big downside to him running faster is he's all ready to go once I'm done where as I'm just finishing.

I actually didn't feel awful. The feet hurt a lot (still kind of do and I'm going to lose a big toe nail) but the stomach was okay. I think my fueling was fairly good overall and, given the weather, it was easier than it could have been. I could have taken in a bit more water, but took in more than I have any marathon so I feel like I'm learning a bit there. 

A lot of the frustrating and being mad at myself then stems from the fact that I didn't feel totally wrecked and wasn't like vomiting. That tells me I could have done more out there. I feel like there's this mental switch I just can't flip during the race to pull myself out of a funk and try. It happened at Newport too where, I feel like if I looked at my watch with 10-7 miles to go and actually paid attention, I could make a difference, but I can't seem to get that focus to happen. I've done some math and if I hadn't stopped to use the restroom and was able to keep the pace around those stops that would have been about 2 minute and then, if I had just picked my damn head up with 7 miles to go and tried to shave off 5-15 seconds that could have been 35 second to 1:45 off and... there's the BQ.

But...I could have also peed myself or actually had a GI distress. I could have not done that, but it all sounds so easy. I know that this is work, I know ow it takes time and that a breakthrough could always be right around the corner. I know that consistency is it's own type of greatness and the ability to show up health and in shape especially after the training block I had during the work I had, is something. 

But it's not what I wanted and hoped for. That is life though too. You can't always get what you want.

I am not sure where I'm at in terms of what's next. I'll do my short summer races, not yet sure of the goals, and I'll do a fall half with friends hopefully. Also not sure of the goal there. And then I'll have to think about next spring. There is always the small thought of a fall marathon, but that seems a bit big right now so I'll let that one just sort of settle and see how I feel. Work took some turns the last few days so the extremely stressful summer I expected has actually shifted a bit, go figure. I may also consider two half this fall, an early and late just for something different with some being a goal and some being for fun. We'll see. I do feel a little bit like the world is my oyster whereas after Newport I felt ready to take on the world.

I am wondering this one again next year. It's a good race and a nice little trip that is different. The husband has promised to be my full support crew during the block, but we shall see. He is nothing if not fickle when it comes to emotions and what he thinks he is missing out on or not getting from me.

For now, I'm just going to keep letting this one settle over me. I am going to own the disappointment, but also recognize the success especially amongst one of the ore stressful parts of my work life. Even a "bad" marathon is a success in its own way.

A (Gentle) Reminder

 I was watching the French Open and you see the notes about the favorites, or top players, who did not advance. It's a reminder that failing, or not reaching goals, happens to everyone. And my running is my fun past time. It is not my livelihood, it is not my job, it is not, to be honest, my full identity. 

Those players will grieve, be mad, be sad, be frustrated and a number of other emotions that I also am, but they will also show up again and play again. 

I am not ready to show up again, but I probably will.