Bayshore Marathon - Part Two

Here's where I'm trying to actually see what I can breakdown from the race and the weekend to see where I can take measures to do better or even to just reflect.

The travel went well and I actually don't think it had any negative impact on my running. I expect it could if things went bad, but that's true of just about anything race week. If we travel again for a race, I think I'd like a slightly early landing time, maybe aim to be at the destination around 3-4pm, but we were still able to grab a reasonable dinner and have a good sleep.

The staying close by the day before was good and we were able to drive up with ease. Again, I don't think this part had anything bad and the expo was easy and quick. The drive was long, but not so long that you felt totally busted up by it. We figured out dinner plans which I would have liked for about an hour earlier, but I think the meal size and type was fine and that, although I'll take about food, wasn't the issue the next day.

The first issue I noticed was the place we stayed had a fridge that was at the entirely wrong volume for me. Some of this extreme focus is of course because of the race day stress, but that thing allowed me no rest. There was also my husband who clearly was agitated  and, although I feel asleep around 10pm when did some move or over-exaggerated sigh that woke me up and I truly never went back to sleep. Like Newport, I got about 3-4 hours of sleep but it was all the stress and sadness and anxiety that really hit me. I tried so hard and got so little. I know that has an impact, but I also know a bad sleep is somewhat expected.

For food in the AM I had bread, but no toasted. I have some PTSD from Providence which is when I had the same thing and I think the bread, either because it really does or mentally it does, sits too heavy. I managed to eat (and was somewhat hungry) but I never felt light afterwards.

Getting to the race was okay. There was some stress about parking, but it worked out and we paid to stay in a little pre-race spot which was great. I would definitely do that again and, if at other races, opt for it. It allowed for a stress free spot once we parked. Not ideal was my husband decided now was the time to share some crap about how he blamed me and was mad at me the night before for doing this. As if he is child. That actually hits me harder now than it did there. I also am more focused on it because I think I know when I woke up how that came to be so I'm frustrated. 

But we just hung out there, I awkwardly said hello to Dakota Popehna and then we were off.

I positioned myself by the 3:30 pacer, but I already could feel something off about the day, be it my motivation or my physical aspect of the race, I just wasn't confident in what I was about to do and holding it for 26.2 miles. I am not sure why that it. I think I worry so much about how far it is and what happens if (when) I reach a point and I not only can't hold my pace, I can't finish the race? It turns out, because I finished this race but not in the pace I wanted, perhaps I should just try and see because I am not sure how much of a fan I am of *this* feeling.

I am not great at retelling my race in terms of knowing exactly what happened and when. I know at around 5-7 miles I started to make the deal that it was okay if I didn't reach my goal and, because of out personalities, it was better if my husband made his. I began to say that it was okay because the block was good and hard and life was hard, so just getting here was enough. I started to give myself an out while not actually slowing down, but not pushing to get back on pace. I also convinced ,myself I had to pee and did at mile 11 so that was one of my 9 minute mile splits. I pulled out an 8:01 and 8:02 after that so, while I'm not sure if I had to stop, something mentally said I did and I lost sometime but I also made up some.

I crossed 13 at 1:47:41 which had me a little behind (although when I was running and doing racing math I thought I was still at a 3:35 pace - nope). I felt good then and thought just hold on and maybe you'll do something. Then around mile 16-17 I was having some tummy issues. There may have been a few before as I stopped taking salt tab, legit just spit one out with a solid, nope!, but around there I was running looking for a bathroom. I thought, for sure, I had to do a number two and was worried I was close to a real problem. I crossed mile 17.4 at 2:24:37 which (doing that math now not then) was holding the same pace as at the half. Looking at the spits, right at 18 is when the pace dropped by about 10-20 second a mile. I pulled off at mile 21 (the second 9 minute mile of the race) and did not need to number 2 but did have some gas. I think the stopping was a good idea, but I also wonder if I had just paused for a moment, farted to be frank and moved on, if that would have been good too. The relief at seeing the bathroom thought was legit.

I had some splitting my watch issue but the last two miles I got back to 8 and I did, even though I don't think it counts, realized I could get a Strava PR if I pushed and I did. I took the turn onto the track for the last 100 meters and a blood blister popped where I actually felt the liquid in my shoe. I had to hobble a bit, not able to catch the person in front of me, but was so glad it didn't happen earlier because that hurt a lot. 

I crossed the line and saw 3:38 and knew I missed the A and the B1 goal. I saw my husband quickly there after and met up. He got his goal, sub-3, and I said some nasty thing to him about the block and missing my goal. I regret that but... there was some honesty there too. I got a little teary and then just shut it down. I kind of wished we had visited and hung out a bit more but instead we went searching for the car. The big downside to him running faster is he's all ready to go once I'm done where as I'm just finishing.

I actually didn't feel awful. The feet hurt a lot (still kind of do and I'm going to lose a big toe nail) but the stomach was okay. I think my fueling was fairly good overall and, given the weather, it was easier than it could have been. I could have taken in a bit more water, but took in more than I have any marathon so I feel like I'm learning a bit there. 

A lot of the frustrating and being mad at myself then stems from the fact that I didn't feel totally wrecked and wasn't like vomiting. That tells me I could have done more out there. I feel like there's this mental switch I just can't flip during the race to pull myself out of a funk and try. It happened at Newport too where, I feel like if I looked at my watch with 10-7 miles to go and actually paid attention, I could make a difference, but I can't seem to get that focus to happen. I've done some math and if I hadn't stopped to use the restroom and was able to keep the pace around those stops that would have been about 2 minute and then, if I had just picked my damn head up with 7 miles to go and tried to shave off 5-15 seconds that could have been 35 second to 1:45 off and... there's the BQ.

But...I could have also peed myself or actually had a GI distress. I could have not done that, but it all sounds so easy. I know that this is work, I know ow it takes time and that a breakthrough could always be right around the corner. I know that consistency is it's own type of greatness and the ability to show up health and in shape especially after the training block I had during the work I had, is something. 

But it's not what I wanted and hoped for. That is life though too. You can't always get what you want.

I am not sure where I'm at in terms of what's next. I'll do my short summer races, not yet sure of the goals, and I'll do a fall half with friends hopefully. Also not sure of the goal there. And then I'll have to think about next spring. There is always the small thought of a fall marathon, but that seems a bit big right now so I'll let that one just sort of settle and see how I feel. Work took some turns the last few days so the extremely stressful summer I expected has actually shifted a bit, go figure. I may also consider two half this fall, an early and late just for something different with some being a goal and some being for fun. We'll see. I do feel a little bit like the world is my oyster whereas after Newport I felt ready to take on the world.

I am wondering this one again next year. It's a good race and a nice little trip that is different. The husband has promised to be my full support crew during the block, but we shall see. He is nothing if not fickle when it comes to emotions and what he thinks he is missing out on or not getting from me.

For now, I'm just going to keep letting this one settle over me. I am going to own the disappointment, but also recognize the success especially amongst one of the ore stressful parts of my work life. Even a "bad" marathon is a success in its own way.

A (Gentle) Reminder

 I was watching the French Open and you see the notes about the favorites, or top players, who did not advance. It's a reminder that failing, or not reaching goals, happens to everyone. And my running is my fun past time. It is not my livelihood, it is not my job, it is not, to be honest, my full identity. 

Those players will grieve, be mad, be sad, be frustrated and a number of other emotions that I also am, but they will also show up again and play again. 

I am not ready to show up again, but I probably will.

Bayshore Marathon - Part One?

There are a lot of thoughts this with one. I go back and forth between trying to sort out my feelings on it. Overall I'm disappointed. But it was also not a terrible day. I ran a 3:38:42 per the official results. Per my Strava I hit the marathon distance at 3:36:590 which shows as a PR. But that doesn't really count for anything other than on Strava.

I think, overall, I'm mad at myself. From the very get-go I gave myself an excuse or an out if I didn't hit the goal. I was mentally out of it almost from the start (or as much as one can be when they still finish a marathon). I think I was just done. I had a really good training block, but it was riddled with stresses at home and work. It consistent of pretty much constant anxiety and management that, when race day came after the travel, dealing with the husband, shitty sleep, I just didn't have the willpower anymore it felt like. 

My stomach was heavy form the get-go so I'll refuse to eat just plain bread again. I will refuse to sleep in a place that isn't perfect, even if the sleep doesn't follow. I feel like I started to have some actual stomach questions with about 12-10 miles to go, looking for a toilet for about two miles, and that just was one more reason to not push. But I was so close and I think back if I hadn't stopped twice (about 2:30 of lost time) and if I just looked and pushed like 7 miles out, I could have made it.

I think I'm frustrated that I didn't have the mental fortitude that I seem to have in everything else. Perhaps it was because that's all that I did and do so I also felt sorry for myself during this run and made it okay to not reach a goal. Perhaps some part of me wants to have this pity aspect. Who knows. 

I do know that I need a break. A bit break from a lot of things. I need time to heal and sort some times out. As Coach Bennett says: this is about running, but this is also not about running.

I think this will likely be part of of a few of my thoughts about this race and racing/training in general.

Training Log May 19th-May 25th

There isn't much to report this week as all I'll be doing beforehand is 4 and 3 miles, both of which went fine when I did them on Tuesday and Wednesday respectively. This week really is more about remaining calm, getting myself prepped both for work and for the race, and figuring out my goals and game plan.

I reached out to my coach saying:

Right now I’ve got the A Goal of 3:30-3:35, B1 Goal of a PR (3:37) or B2 under 4 hours* and C Goal of have fun (which is the goal on any of these) but also to reflect on the training plan and the enjoy the trip. 

*I know that is a big gap but the way that I’m feeling is if it seems like it’s not gonna be an A or a B1 day I still want to have a goal that makes me want to keep trying even if the wheels are falling off which is something more substantive than just “have fun”.

She seems to think I have a 3:30-3:35 given my training and I think so to, but I'm not going to only focus on that. I replied to her that, when I ran Providence and had such an epic fail I wanted redemption and that was Newport. Newport I almost needed it to go well to prove to myself that Providence was the fluke (delisted the fact I have four other marathon to support that). Having done what I did there, which was still short of the Big Goal but also was a Good Day, I don't think I have that pressure on me with this marathon.

The training block went well, but there were hiccups, both physical and mental. I didn't have to take that much time away and really, overall, hit the workouts and long runs, but there was the constant mental strain that also took something out of this one and out of me. I both ran peacefully when I was in my miles and with a cloud of anxiety. It was an interesting way to train and I think that I am okay with however Saturday goes.

There is also the fact that the point of this race is the adventure which means there can be things that just do not go well. We shall see but I hope that I feel okay coming away from this one.

Training Log May 12th-May 18th

May 12th: Rest day!

May 13th: The taper workouts always hit different. There’s this want for them to feel perfect but everything is starting to build against that including your brain. The workout was 2@MP, 2x1@HMP and 4x400@5k. I didn’t do this at my normal park as it was toasty outside and I was hungry so I did it on the Main Street of my town. It’s hilly and my legs were sort of beat. I mostly hit the paces but it felt hard(er) than I would have liked. The splits were: 7:44, 7:42, 7:14, 7:23, 7:07, 7:17, 6:59, and 7:08.

May 14th: Just keeping the legs going while keeping myself somewhat chill. Little less than six outside which went fine. 

May 15th: Rest!

May 16th: I just didn’t really feel like an outside run and just sort of wanted to zone out and watch tv so that’s what I did. I also thought about doing my workout today but it was warmer than I wanted and post work so melts with the schedule. 

May 17th: This was quite a humid day and I was worried about the tempo (4@MP) because I didn’t want to miss it and have that hang over me going into race week. But I also didn’t want to not try so I laced up and went to my road. I did this out and back to keep the ups and downs somewhat equal. I managed to hit the splits 7:57, 8:02, 7:55, 7:59. The effort was higher with the humidity and the rolling hills but it didn’t deflate me so that’s a win. 

May 18th: Last long run which was 9 miles. The stomach was a tad upset which may have been all the cheese or the growing stress that seems to come with race day but I kept it chill and got it done. 

Training Log May 5th-May 11th

May 5th: Enjoying the rest day after the long run workout.

May 6th: A 9 mile easy workout on a weekday? Yeah, not going to happen (although I did look back at this week last year, for reasons to come, and I did it then, go figure). But I got in a little over 7 and reached out the Coach who just tacked on a few extra miles in the week.

May 7th: Another little rest day, love it.

May 8th: The workout was 6 miles at MP and then 4x400. I was worried weather was going to roll in and almost bailed to do it at home on the tread, but held out and turns out, I made it before the storm came into existence. It was a little humid which I'm glad for as I try to embrace the warm and heavy running just as something that is. The splits for the miles were 7:59, 7:57, 7:56, 7:58, 8:01 and 7:47. I felt pretty good during them and am still trying to embrace the keep calm at this pace and just hang out. The 400s were just run paces and those were: 6:49, 6:37, 6:48 and 6:40. I wore the MetaSpeed Sky Paris for the speed parts.

May 9th: This run was suppose to be 7 but after drama I only got to 4.5, I'm frustrated with this because it's due to an outside force. I don't think something like that, especially at this stage, truly matters, but it's really flecking annoying.

May 10th: We've been having a bit of rain and that was present this AM. I think I could have ran in the afternoon and been fine, but I didn't want to run too close to the end of the day with a long-ish run on for Sunday. So tread it was. I got to watch some TV which is nice and got to my 8 which is also nice.

May 11th: Long run day. On deck was 13 and, clearly, you have to go to at least 13.1 which I did plus .1. It went fine. Maybe a tad heavy with the legs, but I'm not too surprised with the last three days on the leggies. I like this time of the training, before the taper scares set in, where it's "only" 13 miles.

And now begins the weather checking and packing lists.

Training Log April 28-May 4th

April 28th: You know what the was.

April 29th: The week day long run that is just that bit too long to make sense. This was supposed to be 8 miles, but I got in just over 7 and that was entirely fine. Once I hit the hour mark on a weekday it just is a bit too much especially since there's some form a cooldown or a walk depending on what's happening.

April 30th: This was another previous workout that I'd done. 3-2-1 miles with the 3 and 2 at MP and the 1 and HMP with .5 between sets. When I looked last time I did this one way too fast and I also remember sort of cheating, meaning I stopped to use a restroom which gets the heart rate down. This time I wanted to keep the splits closer to MP where called for to just sit in that pace. I managed to do that pretty well with the splits: 8:02, 7:57, 7:55, 7:58, 7:55 and 7:32. I found that the MP pace was not something that skyrocketed my heart rate or made me feel out of control which was good. I also focused on remaining calm and collected when at those paces because, ideally, I'll be at that pace for a while.

May 1st: "It's gonna be May." Also rest day.

May 2nd: Well this day go away from me at work at the plan to be home timely, to run on my Main Street, and enjoy my Friday resulted in me getting home an hour and a half later than planned. My other original plan was to long run on Saturday which, viewing the temps, I was sort of iffy about, but with the late return from work and wanting to get in my miles, this all went out the window. It was frustrating and I worked hard to not have it derailed me. I was somewhat successful. I did the prescribed 7 miles on the treadmill (which started at 6:45pm!) and still managed to eat an okay meal and get to bed somewhat decent. I now shifted to long run on Sunday and the 6 miles on Saturday unless I woke up ready to go for the 20 miler.

May 3rd: I did not wake up ready to go for the 20 miler. But I did get in a very lovely 6 mile run on a local rail trail. It was warmer out so I just kept myself calm with a low effort and it was really nice.

May 4th: This was the last long run and it was a spicy one too. The plan was 7 mile warmup 3 miles at MP, 1 mile recovery three times with a 2 mile cooldown. I woke up early (which my watch had my sleep as optimal and at 90%, what?!?) and was at least beginning the run around 8:30. It was higher in temp and humidity then I think I handle well so I was already sort of making deals with myself and excuses that, if I couldn't do this, I have something to blame. The first loop around the lake made me feel less than optimistic about the pick-ups, but I told myself to try. I regrouped just a little but before the tempo started. The 3 miles actually felt okay. I felt like I was in control and wasn't overheating or at risk of dehydrating etc. I kept myself on a UCAN every 3.5 miles and took in salt tabs. I drank about 10 ounces of water which I think is still low, but I didn't feel awful. Each mile I just kept saying run the mile you're in and I kept an eye on the paces to stay within the MP goal. The splits were: 8:04, 8:01, 7:53, 8:02, 8:08, 7:55, 8:04, 7:58, 7:57. I enjoy that the last mile is always the fastest.

This was a workout where I realized that, although I really hope the marathon goes well, this was perhaps one of the best workouts I've had and easily one of the best long runs. I felt like I was in control even when there were moments with a little lack of control an spikes in effort/heart rate/stomach what's up. It was just good and an accomplishment. I am proud of this and that's something special.

Training Log April 21st-27th

April 21st: Rest day and, boy, is it needed. I am pretty wrecked today post that 20 miler. It is also Boston Marathon day so I was able to watch that a get in a small walk which didn't really help, but we'll pretend that it did.

And, let's just say, as I've gotten older, Boston Marathon still stings, but not as much. Maybe, just maybe, it's not all that matters for my running career.

April 22nd: I 100% need to move the workout to tomorrow. I had a nice exchange with Coach about the "failed" long run on Sunday. It makes everything seem that much better and not like it was a failure. I'm going to try and aim to keep the positive vibes this week which is not the easiest thing right now. I got in 6 miles after work at the house and that was good. Felt just normal about it but there was a lot on the brain so also felt heavy.

April 23rd: Big workout day: 7 miles at MP. Today was a first real glimpse of spring/summer weather that I'd be running in because I had no other time. I had a slightly shorter warmup (about 1.23) and then began to dance. I definitely felt like I should have brought water, but I just aimed to not focus on that and just try to move. I did the Lake Loop which isn't flat, but not like at my house. I managed to hold for all seven miles too: 7:46, 7:48, 7:50, 7:56, 7:56, 7:57, 7:55. There was a fad starting so that's always a tad worrisome when you think of how much farther there is to go at that pace, but it's all good. I really, truly am trying to enjoy this process as much as one can and not focus on what happens at the race.

April 24th: Rest day!

April 25th: And here's where I'm back to my anxiety and trying to make sure I don't face an issue. I am having some difficulty sleeping, not too bad, but enough, and it's mostly around work and running with life. It's really annoying and today I woke up at 4:30 and was like "okay go run sop you don't have to face an issue later" but I also didn't want to because I feel like I shouldn't have to run at 5am to avoid problems. But then I couldn't sleep... soooooo, I got up and ran. It was supposed to be 8 though and because of the time and tummy it was 4.2 so then I spiral about the distance and how frustrating it is to miss out on the plan because of others.  Do I think a missed 3.8 miles means I have a failed marathon? No. But do I think a constance missing of a few miles here and there will? Yes. I am finding my frustrating levels growing and I just wish that I could have a training partner that just let it be and let it go.

April 26th: The nice thing about running is there is always another day to try and be better. After the angst of yesterday, which I still hold onto and will, today's plan was the Michigan which I've done before. It's 1mile @ 10K, 1mile @ HMP, 1200 @ 10K, 1 mile @ HMP, 800 @ 5K, 1 mile @ HMP, 400 @ just go (splits: 7:02, 7:28, 5:20 (7:09), 7:30, 3:27 (6:58), 7:30, 1:43 (6:58). The weather was humid but not bad. I warmed up in my Superblasts and then switched to the Metaspeed Sky Paris for the workout. Man, those are some slick shoes. The calf was a little tight on the headwind harder workout, but seems to be not too much worse for wear. I enjoy this workout because it makes the HMP paces feel so nice after the 10K runs. I compared to last year and I'm just a bit slower this go around, but marginally and I think, if I was trying to match paces and knew them, I could have kept with last year so that's nice. I had some head and tail winds so tried to make it somewhat even. All in all, not too bad of a workout and hoping to shake some of the sadness from Friday's less than ideal work off.

April 27th: This was a shorter long run and, while I wasn't sure how my legs would feel after the Michigan, I just tried not to think on that. This was actual just a nice and simple long run. Nothing remarkable, but nothing difficult. I listened to podcasts and just moved.