There are a lot of thoughts this with one. I go back and forth between trying to sort out my feelings on it. Overall I'm disappointed. But it was also not a terrible day. I ran a 3:38:42 per the official results. Per my Strava I hit the marathon distance at 3:36:590 which shows as a PR. But that doesn't really count for anything other than on Strava.
I think, overall, I'm mad at myself. From the very get-go I gave myself an excuse or an out if I didn't hit the goal. I was mentally out of it almost from the start (or as much as one can be when they still finish a marathon). I think I was just done. I had a really good training block, but it was riddled with stresses at home and work. It consistent of pretty much constant anxiety and management that, when race day came after the travel, dealing with the husband, shitty sleep, I just didn't have the willpower anymore it felt like.
My stomach was heavy form the get-go so I'll refuse to eat just plain bread again. I will refuse to sleep in a place that isn't perfect, even if the sleep doesn't follow. I feel like I started to have some actual stomach questions with about 12-10 miles to go, looking for a toilet for about two miles, and that just was one more reason to not push. But I was so close and I think back if I hadn't stopped twice (about 2:30 of lost time) and if I just looked and pushed like 7 miles out, I could have made it.
I think I'm frustrated that I didn't have the mental fortitude that I seem to have in everything else. Perhaps it was because that's all that I did and do so I also felt sorry for myself during this run and made it okay to not reach a goal. Perhaps some part of me wants to have this pity aspect. Who knows.
I do know that I need a break. A bit break from a lot of things. I need time to heal and sort some times out. As Coach Bennett says: this is about running, but this is also not about running.
I think this will likely be part of of a few of my thoughts about this race and racing/training in general.
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