Same Old Song and Dance

I feel like this block is just the same old song and dance with me. I fall short of my weekly running goals, my speed isn't there and my leg/hip is sore. Nothing is so bad that I can't keep going on, but I kind or sort of want someone to tell me to stop. Not because it makes sense but because I have to. Such an immature approach but here we are. I am, in fact, not 100% sure what I'm fighting for for this half, but here we are.

I wasn't able to do what my Coach told me for a workout this week as I was stuck, mostly by choice but some by the situation, on the treadmill. So on Saturday I just had this need to run faster. I sort of aimed for the Michigan she had planned, but then pivoted into something resembling a tempo. In which I was barely able to hold under 8 minutes a mile... 

There was another female running who passed me, probably clocking about 7:40s and I said okay latched on to her. I didn't make any distance on her, but I kept her the same until I just... couldn't. And, again, this was at like a 7:45 (yes, slightly uphill but not that much uphill). I try not to judge this block by another block or get to stuck on the numbers but ugh. 

I did a long run today which wasn't great. I got it done, but it was flat and a slog. I am starting to wonder if there's some nutrition component to all of this finally catching up so I am going to try and focus on that as I figure out the physical through PT. Ideally, I'll be on the other side of this in time to want to hit a marathon block out of the park.

Maybe We Got Lost in Translation

I both have nothing and a lot to say, but I am finding the lot to say getting trapped inside. I am consistently on the edge of wanting to try for more this training cycle (this life cycle) but then am also consistently finding myself tired and stuck. I am tired of being tired off and on and, wonder a bit, if there's something more to that tired (probably not but I have also consistently tried to find excuses this cycle).

I am back to normal mileage for a bit, but I am still falling short of hitting all the goals. My hip still hurts (and the leg) but I have started PT. Apparently it is my sciatica acting up again so hopefully it can correct itself as it did before. I am not hitting hard work outs and at some point I wonder when "it's been a stressful time" becomes "it just isn't this build". 

I am also tired of having a few bad days because of some less than ideal food or drink decisions. I know that's getting older and I also know some of the decisions I knew would mean bad runs, but man... it's frustrating to have to choose and, whenI choose the fun, how annoyed I am later.

Today's long run was tough physically and mentally. I got in 11 miles which is great, a little less than prescribed, but nothing too big. But my stomach rioted the last two miles and is still letting me know eggplant parm and two cocktails is not a good idea. Which I know, but I also like to pretend "this time it'll be different."

I guess the whole point of this post is just to say I don't know. I don't really know how I feel about running right now and I want to shake that off. I think I need to find a new North Star and, for now, I am trying to focus on the healing of the leg and back in hopes that will be about some peace.

Maybe I asked for too much.

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

Til you tore it all up.

Heartbreak

Watching the YouTube documentary of Clayton while on the treadmill was such a reminder of how much this sport can both make you feel complete and broken almost at the same time. Seeing and hearing his disappointment after all his hard work, on a day that still was good, some would say great, but short of what he wanted, perhaps what he expected, and what he worked for, was something so familiar and relatable. You can want it so much, but wanting doesn’t make it so. You can work hard and still not achieve your goal. 

And it can break you and your heart. 

But there’s something beautiful about that too and about them showing up again. To keep picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and just trying again is something so special. 

Eventually you hope it pays off, but maybe that’s not the real end goal. 

And maybe as you grow and learn you start to realize the failures aren’t really that.