I Keep Ticking On

So where have I been and what have I been doing?

Well.

Running.

And feeling sorry for myself.

I couldn't get myself to write anything because I had nothing really to tell that hadn't been covered in my prior post which was mostly suck it up and omg I want to stop.

Here's how the last over a month has gone with running: it's hot, I have to adjust my schedule, I putz through a run, I think about quitting and how that isn't so bad, I have an okay run and the weather breaks, I think about how I can do this. Rinse. Repeat. The speed work outs have been the hardest and I had one where I truly almost passed out which was a bit of a wake up call about working in this weather.

I talked to some of my friends about my state of mind about this and how I was considering not running the marathon and how much this summer dragged me down. They mostly commiserated with the heat part of my woes and didn't offer much to my I want to quit. I mentally knew the issue was around feeling beat up and tired which happens during training and happens at a particular time, but it is so hard to shake that off. When every run has a moment of dread, or worse, you expect it to have one, it's hard to keep up the motivation.

That being said, I now find myself facing my first 20 miler this weekend and am coming off a pretty solid two weeks. I hit both my speed workouts these past two weeks, making up for the above-mentioned almost passed out run with tackling it again and hitting the splits for the most part. I certainly did NOT almost pass out. I've had two long run (15.5 and 17.5) back on the rail trail that went well. Like so many other things in life, this was all about cycles and pity and overcoming. I have four more week of real work (three 20 and 20 plus with one dial back) and then it is the taper and then it is the race. I feel like maybe I've put the worst of the negative behind me and can focus on the finish line (pun most certainly intended).

Now, I need to focus a bit on my race and get myself into that mind frame: how do I want to run this? Do I just go with the 3:35 pacer and hope for the best? DO I try what I did last year and run how I feel and hope for the best? Much to consider and it's time to start and focus on getting back to eating good (I already do, but more focus before the long runs isn't a bad thing) and pushing through this last chuck. I can rest* after October 22nd for as long as I like but for now I need to get my head out of my you know what and get this done.

*May you rest, may you catch your breath.