I'm Not Givin' Up*

Two events this week have caused me to do a lot of thinking about running and my relationship with it. The first is that I signed up for the Vanessa Marcotte Memorial 5K run. Vanessa was a runner who was murdered a Sunday afternoon in Princeton, Mass. Living in this area, her death had a big impact on the local runners, especially females. I remember how we had an influx of female runners at our store, looking for company because they were afraid to run alone. I remember hearing so many discussions of if they should carry pepper spray, when they should run, maybe they wouldn't run and so on. I have a previous post that talks about how I've taken these attacks on female runners and refuse to let it dictate how I will be as a runner, but it's hard at times. I decided to run this 5K because it is important 5K. It matters. Getting out there and showing that we won't be deterred and, until this stops, we will fight it, is an amazing reason to run. The other event was the passing of Gabe Grunewald. There have been many posts about her over the week since she'd died and I won't even try to put anything more out there, other than to say sometimes life isn't fair. It is a tragedy that she was lost (as it is that MANY are lost) but it is so inspiring to read how she lived and ran. I can only hope to be a margin of a runner and have an ounce of that determination if life ever throws at me what it did her. Which leads me to a last bit about my running this week. The 5K was not my best (although time wise not terrible). I walked which I haven't in a race in forever, not even my halfs and marathons, because I felt sorry for myself and everything hurt. As I write this, and even when I was done, I knew that was not what I should have done. I knew I should have fought and pushed, even if slower, than walk. When I think of Vanessa and Gabe, when I think of so many other people, who were forced to stop, I am now disappointed in myself. Yes, it IS just a 5K and there will be others and this is not reflective of me as a person, but it is a little bit. I want a do-over in that race because I want to show that, while I did not face their tragedies, perhaps I can face what I am thrown with a little more resilience and strength. And so, I am taking time to focus and heal, because I think I'm a little beat up. I am making the decision to skip a fall marathon and run smaller, shorter races. I am going to try and win wwere I can because why now? I am going to appreciate the fact that I can be out there day after day, running and being me. I don't want to neglect this gift that I'm given nor simply push through it. I want to embrace and enjoy. *No, not yet Even when I'm down to my last breath Even when they say there's nothin' left So don't give up on