Dream a Little Dream

I usually come back to where I did 8th grade and high school at Christmas time (only once did I not and I think that still haunts my mom to this day). When I'm here, I've usually come from cold weather be it in the mid-west or now the east coast so I soak up the warm southwest weather as much as I can mainly in the form of running. As I go through familiar paths around my house and the park nearby I'm always struck by my previous years of running out here.

I was a hurdler in high school, or as much as one can be at a D-3 school. I think I took on that role because, although I was quick, I wasn't really quick enough to be a solo sprinter (meaning the 100 or 200). The hurdles lowered the playing field some such that I was able to keep up and, sometimes even, win. I also think because of the skating I was somewhat groomed for that role and the jumping. My hurdling career was okay - I won some small meets (at least I think I did...) and made it to states once and almost once more.

Quick memory: I was in the finals in lane four, aka the fast lane, and about 7 hurdles in ate it hard core and thus did not qualify when I more than likely should have and could have my senior year. Remember that prior post about how I'm good, but never quite good enough sometimes... yea... that's another example.

Anyhow.

My track coach told us we had to run cross-country even if we where sprinters. I'm not quite sure if he really wouldn't have let us run track, but in high school if he said we had to do it, we did. So my junior year I ran it and my senior year I got pulled into it to make the numbers for state. Now, when I say that I was not good at cross-country, I don't mean that I was not winning but doing okay. I mean I was the last runner to cross on our team. I remember I broke 30 minutes one time and was hoping Kenny would be happy and proud. When I got pulled in my senior year and hadn't ran with the team so pretty much was not in shape, I think I finished states second to last. Out of EVERYONE.

I disliked the distance. I disliked the discomfort. I disliked everything about it and it was THREE MILES. I never trained, really, looking for ways to cut the runs short and just not try during them. I didn't pay attention to eating or drinking (a Pepsi afterwards was my favorite drink). I felt slow (and was) and out of shape (not sure if I was or just didn't try). I wanted to sprint and do track and cross-country was a necessary burden I barely tolerated.

I remember running the park and doing two loops, or just about 3 miles, for the first time and how it was an accomplishment but probably the last one of the season. I remember doing a workout up north while camping and being the slowest in the longer ones. I remember everything I disliked about it and some of the embarrassment. Now, honestly almost twenty years (!!!) later as I run I find it so ironic.

Yesterday I looped my park three times in an 8:33 pace and it just easy. On Monday I did a 7 mile run around my house, hills and valleys included, in 8:43 and stopped only once because the hill was HUGE and I didn't need to die. I will run at least once more here as well and it's always so amazing to me where I find myself now.

I love running. It is a part of my life that has been a constant for 13 years or so. I think about reaching out to my old coach and saying "Can you believe that I've tried to qualify for Bostons twice now and nearly have it and WANT to try again? That I willingly do tempo runs and 800 repeats after working 9 hours? I've run a 21 minute 5K and a 1:44 half marathon. I'm a 3:37 marathoner!" Me, that girl that didn't run a 5K in less than 10 minutes a miles most of the time. Me, that girl who only did what you asked because you asked. I wonder if he would even care, but to me it matters. It shows how much I have grown (and maybe how good I could have been...). It makes me happy to think that these roads I ran have finally felt like home in a place where I disliked nearly every step. It shows to me the power of running and the happiness that it can bring.

In Every Task That Must Be Done

As the weeks go by, I'm trying to figure out my groove with running. I've reset my run plan a few times because what it wanted me to do was just too much or perhaps too overwhelming to fit in. Or, perhaps...and more likely... I just didn't want to put in the effort. It's cold and it's dark and thinking about running a speed workout or 7 miles at 6pm is just a LOT. I've gone back to logging some miles on a treadmill to avoid the 3 layers of winter clothes (despite the fact that once you are out there it really isn't so bad). I'm trying to get the focus and drive back but I'm just falling short. Of course, I'm stilling out there (or in there depending on the day) but I feel like I want to do more and finding myself lacking in getting to that point.

But... this week I'm in sunny Arizona visiting family. I've been here about 27 hours or so and have already gotten two runs in. I have OT tomorrow am and want to try and do another workout after that. I have sun and sweat and shorts. It's something truly magically coming from the very beginning of winter on the East Coast. It is a breath of fresh air (literally). I am hoping to sleep and read and relax in a way I haven't in months. I hope that this is a reset that actually helps me truly reset into the new year.

I don't know what my goals will be. There is always the hope of the BW and attempting it for the third (UGH - TWO MINUTES) time. But I also think I want to try to run a marathon ... just to run one and aim for something like under four hours. I may consider looking into one for May which would give me some down time if I want to try for a BQ in the fall again. It would also give me an excuse to train with the Husband and try to keep him focused, haha. I also would like to expand and really try rock climbing as promised. I hope that by becoming more rounded in activities with OT and rock climbing I'll find more joy in running (I already truly enjoy it and, as my husband does say, love it way more than him) but maybe having something more will make it feel like a treat instead of a task as it sometimes did this past year (damn you super hot summer!)

I guess we'll see how this break works for me and how I find myself gearing up for the new year. One thing in closing is that some people I work with asked me if when I go to Arizona or on vacation if I take a vacation from running. I laughed at that and said that is the best place and time to run.

For a Bitter Time

I’m tying to still figure out how I feel about running. I’m finally back to looking forward to running and getting back on track with training and psushing myself. That being said, I’m not sure where my head is totally at with the idea of trying to BQ again and run a marathon. There’s a part of me that is chomping at the bit to get at it again. Then there’s the part of me that think wth, why?

I think I’m also torn between wanting to that and looking to do new things. I do OT, which yes, is not that different, but it takes up a day of a workout unless I want to do double duty (is that too much? I never know...) but also maybe looking into climbing with the husband. But then I think...

Come on. You’ve got to do this.

I ran the turkey trot that I got second in my age group last year (third this year, but (1) I was in fact hung over and (2) it was like 0 outside so...) and during the race I had that conversation with myself of why I was pushing and to just dial it back. And then I had the OTHER thought of get it together and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Just. Run. Just. Race.

It’ll be over and you’ll feel so good and cool about it all. Which is where the drive to try again comes from and to push myself to that point of both hate and pride with this sport. So... we shall see.

Maybe, as the opening to this post says...

It’s gonna hurt for a bitter time, so bottles up let’s forget tonight.

And do it tomorrow.

A Mess is Still a Moment

In a turn of events, unsure if I would say surprising or not surprising, after my last past I came down with something fierce. I’m pretty sure it was food poisoning in some fashion but Wednesday around 3am I woke up and changed beds. At 6am I had to call out of work and at 7PM I finally really removed myself from the bed. I ate nothing until two slices of bed and half a cup of soup. My Fitbit, something that I have not walked under 10,000 steps in over a year, registered 678 steps. I have never been that low even post knee surgery (I checked). I don’t know what it was but I know it kicked my butt in a way something hasn’t in a very, very long time. I wonder how much of it may have been my body also just saying STOP after a long hard summer (maybe year) of work. I rested even more and today I finally feel like myself. I’m on an eating schedule that makes sense and may venture to the gym.

The one thing I will say about this is that I’m trying to take the refocus for a good thing. I push hard in much of what I do. I try to get enough sleep and eat enough, but I also have goals and a schedule and want to get things done. Sometimes I think I forget to stop and not worry about what I have to do. Missing my Fitbit goal for two days may not seem like much to someone else, but ther is something nice about it having been out of my reach from the very start of the day. There was no chance I could do it and... that’s okay. It’s a good reminder that sometimes it’s okay to fall short be it in a marathon (wah wah) or in a daily step goal. There’s nothing wrong with just not succeeding in something and it doesn’t matter the reason so long as, when you are able, you refocus.

Uptown Baby

Sometimes you have one of those days where it just seems everything is a little off including your mood. Today was that day and some of it, or most of it, has to do with this transition from light to dark (and no I don’t mean just the election, har har har). This time of year is the hardest for me but it passs. It doesn’t help that it’s also been raining for the last two days and traffic has been awful.

Anyhow.

Work was so so and, if nothing else, was dull. It’s Election Day and I didn’t vote before work so after getting stuck in a parking garage for far too long and rushing to vote, I was not in the mood to then rush to run club in the rain. But I went because I knew I was going to run either inside or out, so hey not.

And what a great decision.

Tonight’s run was one of those runs where everything just clicks. It was a quick pace, running with someone for part and then my own. The weather was different and not too hot or cold (although it was wet). Nothing hurt and nothing felt off really off and when it did feel a little off I could put it aside and keep trucking. It was a happy and free run and just what I needed today.

It was also a bit of what I’ve needed post-Marathon. I don’t feel like I’m in a rut and I am not injured (woo!) but it does take a bit to get your feet back under you. Things do hurt and you are tired plus you just aren’t going as much as you did. It’s like suddenly you hit the brake after doing 90 mph and it takes somet time to shift back into the proper gear. I know this run didn’t suddenly jump start my training again because I don’t really have a plan of what’s next (I have started some thoughts of course) but it felt good and back to my old self.

Dancing in the Moonlight

Keeping with my promise to try and do more happy running blogging, hee I am posting when not really following a training plan. It’s fall here and that means that darkness is creeping in more readily. We are going to turn back our clocks tomorrow which means all post work runs will be in the dark. There are the goods and bads with that in my mind. I get a bit nervous finding my footing using a handheld or headlamp. Of course as the season progresses you get better at this (aside from when it’s rainy or icy...). Also there is the fact that it seems to take just that little bit more effort to get the light and the extra clothing such that you really need to keep focus. But one thing I do like about the dark running is how small you can feel and powerful.

When it’s just your light shining your path, the world is small. Each move is limited by the beam and the noises that you here all around you grow bigger. There is such an unknown element in the dark that it makes it exciting and a little unnerving. And I like that power that comes with night running. Not everyone does it or wants to do it. You are a little more unique during those runs I think and I enjoy that because it shows the world that dark and cold can’t stop you.

Bitter End

So take a step back again
We'll grind ourselves down to a bitter end
Don't deny me
Don't deny me my bitter end

There's a lot I could say about my race at Baystate. The weather, which seemed like it could have been much worse, was really great minus a head win. My training paid off as the post-run was more successful (less dry heaving!). I am not 100% sure I'm sold on the marathon distance (directly after it was most certainly was NOT). I'm not disappointed but I am because the biggest thing I can say about Baystate is this:

I missed my qualifying time by 2:09.

So close and yet so far.

I don't know how I feel about that in reality. I am happy with the 7 minute or so PR - that means I did something right. I don't know where I lost the time (I mean the second half) and I don't know if I knew to make it up. There is a small part (the part that wants to blame something else) that blames my watch which didn't seem to keep the proper splits, but even that is an empty thought. I don't remember NOT running my best because of what I thought I was running. I DO remember, though, thinking I had this and imagined crossing the line successfully at the half way point (when I did still have it). But I also remember falling apart with 2-3 miles to go and wanting to just STOP because I knew I didn't have it in me and "why did it even matter"? I remember that thought so clearly and wanting so badly to just sit and cry and very devastated because, in some ways it is devastating, but in other ways it is just a run and a darn good one at that. But I also remember NOT stopping and pushing through and how, although I feel total loss at the work and the fact it didn't pay off how I wanted to, I know that was a small victory over myself.

I wish that I could say I found that power sooner and could have made up those minutes - but I can't. I didn't have it when I needed it, but I at least did get it. I am not sure what the future of my marathon training or attempts at BQ hold. I think it is time to maybe find a little more joy and focus in my running that is not related to a training plan. I am hoping that perhaps I'll try to do this blogging more and think more about running and open up about it and the training that I'll do as I approach my mid-to-late thirties. I know that, despite this set back, it was a hard fought attempts from day one of this training. I put a lot into it and I am not sad about that because I tried and perhaps I'll try again, but for now, I am going to rest and slowly gear up for my Turkey Trot.