Hard Days

This is one of those harder days. I don’t feel like I need to sit down and burst into tears*, but there is a silent sadness that is following me. 

This would’ve been a day where the pup and I would have slowly woken up in the morning. Just the two of us. Potentially he would have been in the bed and we would’ve had some morning pets and the ability to hang out and just be the two of us. There would’ve been food, and attempt to go outside multiple times, and just a slow existence between us. I would’ve been in my chair, reading and scrolling the Internet. He would’ve been in his bed probably asleep or snuggling under blankets looking outside. He would wake and smell for me and then rest again.  Perhaps he would’ve barked at Mr. Brooks who I saw earlier in the day. And we would’ve been around each other‘s orbit all day. Just the two of us hanging out. 

I probably would have gone for a run, but likely I would have stayed inside because I wouldn’t want to venture too far. The reason for not wanting to venture too far would’ve been twofold. One, I was very cognizant of trying to spend our time together, but I also didn’t want to come back to messes. I probably would’ve stepped out and run some errands, came home and cleaned up after him, been a little bit frustrated about that perhaps let him know that perhaps I wouldn’t have. It just would have been a day that we were together in our little family that we formed over the years just the two of us, even when there were three of us. 

Today is a hard day because life is going on and it’s going on in a different way. I am going to step out and go to a gym that I just joined because I’m able to join it now. I’m going to be gone for probably a couple hours and there will be no one to come home too. There will be no messes. But there will also be no tail wag and there will be no Joy at seeing me. I truly miss the little guy, even while my life in some ways is easier. Easier doesn’t mean that it is better and I also really miss the way things used to be. 

Today is a sad day.

*I had my hard cry in the car. The kind that makes you hurt in a physical way. And nothing changed. 

A Little Lost

​After the half and news of our pup, I went into focused mood for him. We didn’t know how much time we had with him and I was off running so it was easy. Or easier. Nothing about it or him was easy. 

He was my little guy. A life form I took care of for over 10 years. The Best Guy. And he was sick and him already short time with us was going to be shorter.

So we cared for him like always but with some more sadness but still hope and love. But then the day came and he collapsed and the short time we had was cut so very short. We said goodbye on a Tuesday and, from there out, nothing would be the same. 

We’ve gotten better over the weeks. It’s less sad, but still empty. He was such a joy even when he was frustrating that, to lose that, lessens our light or at least mine. Everything is just sort of sad in me. 

There’s also a little bit of relief too which is also sad. I never wanted to think of the burden side of him but, without him, there’s just less. Less of everything. 

So all of this to say, there’s not much running these days but maybe soon. Life does go on and, even if I miss him everyday day, that fact won’t change. 

And Just Like That

Last Sunday, we ran our half and, with that, my 2025 season I'm calling officially over. I may put in a Turkey Trot, but not sure as my hip (see below) is still being a problem.

But the half went, overall, at or better than expected. First off, my husband won which is fantastic. It  perhaps wasn't the fastest pool of runners, but still neat that he can do that. I went into the half hopping that, perhaps, I could hold something like a 1:42-1:43 but thinking a 1:45 was more than likely. My coach always seemed on that same page and did not give me any false hope. I ended up running a 1:44:49 so made it under the 1:45 just barely. I actually felt pretty good during the race and the course was harder than I anticipated so holding onto that felt overall good.

This year of training has not been easy. It had some real highlights, I think back to my 20 mile long with with 3 miles at MP and how awesome that felt. But it had more downs overall and I feel like I just kept fighting this year without, in the end, much reward. I also feel like that fight is just gone right now so I'm a little lost as to what I want to do next or how to approach it. I know we're in a life rough patch right now so it's hard to see what might be on the other side of this, but I'm trying.

My goal for the rest of the year is to figure out what's going on with this hip and then to slowly build back in December. I am not sure how much running there will be in November, but I'm not saying none just yet. And then I hope that I'll enter 2026 feeling better and more motivated. There are a lot of changes that are just outside of reach but will be here before I know it so I don't know how all of that will shake itself out on my running journey.

I guess what I am is to find some ease in my life and, while the running is hard, I don't want the other aspects to feel that way. I've been promised it will be different so I'm hoping that's correct. 

For now though, I think I just rest a bit.

Same Old Song and Dance

I feel like this block is just the same old song and dance with me. I fall short of my weekly running goals, my speed isn't there and my leg/hip is sore. Nothing is so bad that I can't keep going on, but I kind or sort of want someone to tell me to stop. Not because it makes sense but because I have to. Such an immature approach but here we are. I am, in fact, not 100% sure what I'm fighting for for this half, but here we are.

I wasn't able to do what my Coach told me for a workout this week as I was stuck, mostly by choice but some by the situation, on the treadmill. So on Saturday I just had this need to run faster. I sort of aimed for the Michigan she had planned, but then pivoted into something resembling a tempo. In which I was barely able to hold under 8 minutes a mile... 

There was another female running who passed me, probably clocking about 7:40s and I said okay latched on to her. I didn't make any distance on her, but I kept her the same until I just... couldn't. And, again, this was at like a 7:45 (yes, slightly uphill but not that much uphill). I try not to judge this block by another block or get to stuck on the numbers but ugh. 

I did a long run today which wasn't great. I got it done, but it was flat and a slog. I am starting to wonder if there's some nutrition component to all of this finally catching up so I am going to try and focus on that as I figure out the physical through PT. Ideally, I'll be on the other side of this in time to want to hit a marathon block out of the park.

Maybe We Got Lost in Translation

I both have nothing and a lot to say, but I am finding the lot to say getting trapped inside. I am consistently on the edge of wanting to try for more this training cycle (this life cycle) but then am also consistently finding myself tired and stuck. I am tired of being tired off and on and, wonder a bit, if there's something more to that tired (probably not but I have also consistently tried to find excuses this cycle).

I am back to normal mileage for a bit, but I am still falling short of hitting all the goals. My hip still hurts (and the leg) but I have started PT. Apparently it is my sciatica acting up again so hopefully it can correct itself as it did before. I am not hitting hard work outs and at some point I wonder when "it's been a stressful time" becomes "it just isn't this build". 

I am also tired of having a few bad days because of some less than ideal food or drink decisions. I know that's getting older and I also know some of the decisions I knew would mean bad runs, but man... it's frustrating to have to choose and, whenI choose the fun, how annoyed I am later.

Today's long run was tough physically and mentally. I got in 11 miles which is great, a little less than prescribed, but nothing too big. But my stomach rioted the last two miles and is still letting me know eggplant parm and two cocktails is not a good idea. Which I know, but I also like to pretend "this time it'll be different."

I guess the whole point of this post is just to say I don't know. I don't really know how I feel about running right now and I want to shake that off. I think I need to find a new North Star and, for now, I am trying to focus on the healing of the leg and back in hopes that will be about some peace.

Maybe I asked for too much.

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

Til you tore it all up.

Heartbreak

Watching the YouTube documentary of Clayton while on the treadmill was such a reminder of how much this sport can both make you feel complete and broken almost at the same time. Seeing and hearing his disappointment after all his hard work, on a day that still was good, some would say great, but short of what he wanted, perhaps what he expected, and what he worked for, was something so familiar and relatable. You can want it so much, but wanting doesn’t make it so. You can work hard and still not achieve your goal. 

And it can break you and your heart. 

But there’s something beautiful about that too and about them showing up again. To keep picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and just trying again is something so special. 

Eventually you hope it pays off, but maybe that’s not the real end goal. 

And maybe as you grow and learn you start to realize the failures aren’t really that. 

I Saw the Sign

I’m not someone who tends to give up that easily. Although as I get older, I’m also not someone who tends to fight through like I did. Overall, I guess I would say I am tenacious, but only to a certain degree. 

I've found that since the marathon in May, it’s been more and more difficult to get that drive for running up and, well, running. I’ve had these moments where it’s been something that I found a little bit of a spark, but that spark tends to go out with relative ease. I think some of that is just dealing with the discomfort that I’ve had in my right leg/hip area which tends to make running not that enjoyable. Some it is the leftover stress/angst/whatever else with the marathon training block and my home life. 

And the there have been these little pushes from life that seem to be telling me to just step it back. 

The icing on the cake was the fact that a literal tornado went by our house. 

We are all fine, we weren’t even here, and it could be so much worse. There is a lot of cleanup and there are a lot of phone calls, but we will all get taken care of, and ideally, will be taken care of without much financial loss on our part. 

But already only four (now seven when I'm posting this) days into this endeavor only get three (now six) miles in. 

I think, to be totally one of those people, but the universe is trying to give me a sign. 

I’m not going to stop running. I’m not gonna give up running, but maybe this season of the half is shaping up a little bit differently than ones in the past. I think the biggest thing of all is that I feel okay about that which maybe speaks more than whatever that tornado noise was that day.