And here we go. The time has come. Baystate is Sunday and all that is left is one dust off run and the race. I’ll have to re-read my post from last year and the week leading up to this race because this year I feel like there is so much more trepidation and worry about it. I am trying to stay in the mindset of really truly does doesn’t matter. But after almost a full year preparing for this mentally and physically it seems like there is a lot on the line. I am us feel like I’m going into this as if I could win it. That is so ridiculous but that is how my focus feels and after a pretty rough summer of training I just want this to be over but I also wanted to be successful. Last year I feel like the goal was to of course qualify but there was also an element of just run your first marathon. This year I feel like that’s not enough in the pressure that I seem to be putting on my self is relatively ridiculous but it’s there.
At the same time there is an aspect to this of just get it done and let it be done and let it be what it is. Unlike last year though that let it be what it is has an element of please look at me and then I qualify. I don’t know if I have another marathon training schedule in me. It is funny because I actually now feel like I enjoyed the train but while doing this it was so much work and there was so much frustration at times that I don’t look back on it that finally despite the shape that I am in. There’s also the issue with the taper time because it always feels like this is when you are gaining weight and losing speed. It’s part of the process and I know that and the whole point is that my body should be ready to pull me through the 26.2 miles but right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s possible to do it at an 8:10 pace.
It is funny because I actually now feel like I enjoyed the train but while doing this it was so much work and there was so much frustration at times that I don’t look back on it that finally despite the shape that I am in. There’s also the issue with the taper time because it always feels like this is when you are gaining weight and losing speed. It’s part of the process and I know that and the whole point is that my body should be ready to pull me through the 26.2 miles but right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s possible to do it at an 8:10 pace. But I’m trying to trust in the training and I’m trying trust myself and I’m also trying to trust in the fact that this isn’t everything. Hopefully what I’ve done is enough and more than what I did last year and it will be a success. But if it’s not I have to remember that none of this defiance me and if anything defines me it is the training that I did and the work that I did.
It all does come down to one race but this is also a matter of days and minutes and miles and disc comfort and happiness and sadness that matter more than the one race. Hopefully you can all come together and I will be celebrating a BQ because I think that I’ve done what I needed to do but again you never know. And with in the spaces of never knowing are all the doubts and the fears but sometimes you have to just push through and hope for the best. For the next few days I’m going to hope for the best and when I’m at the starting line when I continue to hope for the best and while I log those miles and see the minutes add up I’m going to hope.
And if it doesn’t work out I’m going to try to remember how much I do love running and how far I have come and how far I could potential he go if I ever decide to do this again.
Wednesday, October 17, 2018
Friday, September 28, 2018
Stranger Things are Happening
So here I am gearing up for my last long run tomorrow. I’ve seem to have turned a corner at least mentally and have been able to remain fairly focused this last couple of weeks. I’ve gone into line runs including a 20 miler which I did around the city of Worcester for the first time. Physically I feel pretty good. I was having some pain in my quad/periformis/butt which never seem to develop into anything much worth *knock on wood* until yesterday, which I’ll explain, I feel pretty prepared and able to do the marathon aiming towards probably staying with the 3:35 crew and hoping that I could hold on and beat the 3:40 by enough time. I know a lot still depended on the weather of the day how I felt and other things that are in my control and yet out of my control but I feel like I put in the mileage this time. I was/am running about 10 to 15 more miles per week and I did previously which I hope will literally carry me through.
Now you will notice that I said I felt prepared up until yesterday And the reason for that caveat is because they just change the Boston qualifying time to make them five minutes faster. What that means is now I have to run at 3:35 where is before you never know. There may have been some leeway. Of course this year everyone had to beat it by 4:52 so not much leeway. What that means is in reality I probably had to run to 3:35 but mentally I didn’t have to focus on that. Now I must do that or else I don’t even have a chance. That means beating my last marathon by 10 minutes. Actually more than 10 minutes. To me although I train for it now it seems like a lot and a giant hurdle.
I suppose the one nice thing about this is that discretion is now gone. I thought to put myself in the pocket with the 335 people but now that’s where I have to be. I’m going to have to work to keep that pace and I have that finishing touch and if it’s not going to happen that’s the end of it. Before if it wasn’t going to happen either 335 I feel like I’m mentally would have dropped back a bit and hope that maybe this year is the year that the qualifying times are a little bit slower than that what they used to be. But now that is not the case. So I suppose in some ways it is a good thing. It tells me what I have to do. Which is to work and remember that I put in the time and the energy and the focus and hope that this time it is enough. And if it isn’t, then it isn’t, and that is what it is.
Despite the various up and downs I’ve seem to possess this summer in particular I do feel like I’ve put in about the maximum I can put into this right now. Of course I could have done better with the cross training and probably better with this be workouts and hitting the mileage but there is a part of me that wonders if I really could. This year I attacked the Marathon knowing I needed to put in more time and I have. I hope that it is enough but I am not sure and the uncertainty is what causes me the anxiety and the frustration at this change in the times however there is nothing I can do for it and it is too late to change any of my game plan and I just have to put my head down focus and keep steady.
Now you will notice that I said I felt prepared up until yesterday And the reason for that caveat is because they just change the Boston qualifying time to make them five minutes faster. What that means is now I have to run at 3:35 where is before you never know. There may have been some leeway. Of course this year everyone had to beat it by 4:52 so not much leeway. What that means is in reality I probably had to run to 3:35 but mentally I didn’t have to focus on that. Now I must do that or else I don’t even have a chance. That means beating my last marathon by 10 minutes. Actually more than 10 minutes. To me although I train for it now it seems like a lot and a giant hurdle.
I suppose the one nice thing about this is that discretion is now gone. I thought to put myself in the pocket with the 335 people but now that’s where I have to be. I’m going to have to work to keep that pace and I have that finishing touch and if it’s not going to happen that’s the end of it. Before if it wasn’t going to happen either 335 I feel like I’m mentally would have dropped back a bit and hope that maybe this year is the year that the qualifying times are a little bit slower than that what they used to be. But now that is not the case. So I suppose in some ways it is a good thing. It tells me what I have to do. Which is to work and remember that I put in the time and the energy and the focus and hope that this time it is enough. And if it isn’t, then it isn’t, and that is what it is.
Despite the various up and downs I’ve seem to possess this summer in particular I do feel like I’ve put in about the maximum I can put into this right now. Of course I could have done better with the cross training and probably better with this be workouts and hitting the mileage but there is a part of me that wonders if I really could. This year I attacked the Marathon knowing I needed to put in more time and I have. I hope that it is enough but I am not sure and the uncertainty is what causes me the anxiety and the frustration at this change in the times however there is nothing I can do for it and it is too late to change any of my game plan and I just have to put my head down focus and keep steady.
Monday, September 3, 2018
I Keep Ticking On
So where have I been and what have I been doing?
Well.
Running.
And feeling sorry for myself.
I couldn't get myself to write anything because I had nothing really to tell that hadn't been covered in my prior post which was mostly suck it up and omg I want to stop.
Here's how the last over a month has gone with running: it's hot, I have to adjust my schedule, I putz through a run, I think about quitting and how that isn't so bad, I have an okay run and the weather breaks, I think about how I can do this. Rinse. Repeat. The speed work outs have been the hardest and I had one where I truly almost passed out which was a bit of a wake up call about working in this weather.
I talked to some of my friends about my state of mind about this and how I was considering not running the marathon and how much this summer dragged me down. They mostly commiserated with the heat part of my woes and didn't offer much to my I want to quit. I mentally knew the issue was around feeling beat up and tired which happens during training and happens at a particular time, but it is so hard to shake that off. When every run has a moment of dread, or worse, you expect it to have one, it's hard to keep up the motivation.
That being said, I now find myself facing my first 20 miler this weekend and am coming off a pretty solid two weeks. I hit both my speed workouts these past two weeks, making up for the above-mentioned almost passed out run with tackling it again and hitting the splits for the most part. I certainly did NOT almost pass out. I've had two long run (15.5 and 17.5) back on the rail trail that went well. Like so many other things in life, this was all about cycles and pity and overcoming. I have four more week of real work (three 20 and 20 plus with one dial back) and then it is the taper and then it is the race. I feel like maybe I've put the worst of the negative behind me and can focus on the finish line (pun most certainly intended).
Now, I need to focus a bit on my race and get myself into that mind frame: how do I want to run this? Do I just go with the 3:35 pacer and hope for the best? DO I try what I did last year and run how I feel and hope for the best? Much to consider and it's time to start and focus on getting back to eating good (I already do, but more focus before the long runs isn't a bad thing) and pushing through this last chuck. I can rest* after October 22nd for as long as I like but for now I need to get my head out of my you know what and get this done.
*May you rest, may you catch your breath.
Monday, July 30, 2018
May the Best of Your Todays*
I often think of posts I want to do and then don’t get around to doing it for a week or so. Often times that means the nature of my thoughts has changed because, as many know, one day you have a great run and one day a terrible one and your mood or focus can be directly affected by that. But for about a week I’ve been thinking of the line: “may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows” and how that related so well to running in my mind.
I did a speed workout last Monday which was my first go around with Yassos this Marathon training block. It wasn’t the best speed I’ve done but I really hunkered down into it (after work) and focused on getting it done. I got it done, hit most of the splits, and didn’t feel terrible although it was hard work. And it cues in that song lyric which, I hope, everyday that I work hard gets me better so that however good I do something today, tomorrow will be an improvement. Even if it’s not, maybe at least having that focus will help me *think* it will be that way.
I did a speed workout last Monday which was my first go around with Yassos this Marathon training block. It wasn’t the best speed I’ve done but I really hunkered down into it (after work) and focused on getting it done. I got it done, hit most of the splits, and didn’t feel terrible although it was hard work. And it cues in that song lyric which, I hope, everyday that I work hard gets me better so that however good I do something today, tomorrow will be an improvement. Even if it’s not, maybe at least having that focus will help me *think* it will be that way.
Sunday, July 22, 2018
A Melody Played
I’ve been a little quiet although not mentally about this training. I was thinking along the same lines of the previous blog posts for a while and decided that nothing really clicked post wise fornrunning that I hadn’t already covered a lot and would probably cover a lot more. But then I did have a couple of good days including a pretty good speed workout that I was, for some reason, very anxious about beforehand (so much that the night before I had thought to do it in the AM I slept like garbage). I think that stems from both time management (before work) and heat management (after work). But the week worked out and I found myself having some of those peaceful moments when I ran even if it was a hard run for some reason.
I think that is part of the oxymoron part of running: to do it and do it welltakes work and discomfort. But if all you have is the discomfort there is no peace. It is about trying to find that peace and calm even amongst the pain, work and doubts. So, I found that I had some of those moments and they made me happy and helped with my focus and the long term goals that I still have which seem both so far away and so close.
*To a melody played
on the strings of our souls.
And a rhythm that rattled
us down to the bone.
I think that is part of the oxymoron part of running: to do it and do it welltakes work and discomfort. But if all you have is the discomfort there is no peace. It is about trying to find that peace and calm even amongst the pain, work and doubts. So, I found that I had some of those moments and they made me happy and helped with my focus and the long term goals that I still have which seem both so far away and so close.
*To a melody played
on the strings of our souls.
And a rhythm that rattled
us down to the bone.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
I Got No Rhythm*
I’ve been finding that ups and downs seem to be happening a lot recently. When I first thought of this post I was going to celebrate the fact that last week I did an early, before work, run or workout EVERYDAY as I had wanted to. It was a tiring but great accomplishment for me. I felt like I’d stuck to a different type of goal and succeed even when, on Friday, I was convincing myself I could do it after work. But I didn’t and entered my long run and new week looking towards keeping the train rolling. Long run also went well. It was cooler than last week and felt all together put together.
And then Monday’s Farley came around...
Even with the success of last week I realized doing a speed workout in the am May end up with me too early (I do OT at 5am already and not sure I want to do a 4:15 twice) so I decided Monday and Tuesdays (because of run club) I’d do workouts after work and have PT be my midweek shift to the am. So I went for my run and it was totally ugh. I had to cut one 5 minutes short and felt bloated and crappy kind of the whole time. The tail wind helped on the way back but the frustration had already welled. I was annoyed and disappointed in myself and I hate feeling like that.
I’m trying to learn how to be forgiving with bad runs or runs that don’t meet my expectations but it’s not easy. I went through this recently which resulted in a change and that was good. This time I don’t want to change something because I don’t feel that ovrewhelming issue I did before, but I also don’t want to feel that failure again. Some of it has to do with diet, some of it has to do with body issues (being a girl, ugh) and some of it just is what it is. It’s a matter of perspective and forgiveness which I’ll have to keep in mind as this long summer goes on.
Especially because at the end of this I may need to offer myself the biggest forgiveness if I don’t BQ.
*Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm OK, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!
And then Monday’s Farley came around...
Even with the success of last week I realized doing a speed workout in the am May end up with me too early (I do OT at 5am already and not sure I want to do a 4:15 twice) so I decided Monday and Tuesdays (because of run club) I’d do workouts after work and have PT be my midweek shift to the am. So I went for my run and it was totally ugh. I had to cut one 5 minutes short and felt bloated and crappy kind of the whole time. The tail wind helped on the way back but the frustration had already welled. I was annoyed and disappointed in myself and I hate feeling like that.
I’m trying to learn how to be forgiving with bad runs or runs that don’t meet my expectations but it’s not easy. I went through this recently which resulted in a change and that was good. This time I don’t want to change something because I don’t feel that ovrewhelming issue I did before, but I also don’t want to feel that failure again. Some of it has to do with diet, some of it has to do with body issues (being a girl, ugh) and some of it just is what it is. It’s a matter of perspective and forgiveness which I’ll have to keep in mind as this long summer goes on.
Especially because at the end of this I may need to offer myself the biggest forgiveness if I don’t BQ.
*Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm OK, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!
Sunday, June 10, 2018
Who Can Say
There’s gonna come a day when you feel better
You’ll rise up free and easy on that day
And float from branch to branch
Lighter than the air
Just when that day is coming, who can say?
Who can say?
Here’s the deal. There have been a lot of busy days recently. Work has been the usual cluster, which I am used to but it doesn’t make the day any easier. And then my husband and I moved which was no less than two week process and still is happening. Plus the run plan that I’ve been following seem to go on steroids two weeks ago and had me jump up to 36 miles per week whereas before the half I was at about 20.
Needless to say I feel like I was dragging and I had a run in our new neighborhood where I was supposed to do 10 miles of speed and about a mile into it I just couldn’t do it. And it was different from some of the other times where I had hesitation or lack luster feelings about a run. This was a feeling of I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, I’m not going to do this and I even felt myself get a little bit choked up and teary-eyed. I managed to sort of pull off a 6 mile faster than normal run but I knew that I had to make a change. I knew that I was going to find myself in a position of failing becoming very frustrated at myself.
And so I regrouped. I had the run-in plan re-calculate what I needed to do and I find myself at a 20 or 24 mile week which is manageable. I’ve set up the house a little bit and had a weekend of focus on that. I’m still working to potentially change my workout in the morning so that I have more time in the evening to simply relax and enjoy instead of always moving. I’m also hoping to get to bed earlier and with the addition of a new bed sleep better. Most of all though I am just trying to remain positive and not to consider this bump in the road, which wasn’t that big of a bump or lomg of a bump but still a bump, simply something that happens at times.
That’s the thing about running. You can have bad runs and you can have skipped runs but it’s dtill there when you’re ready. This weekend I had a nice eight mile longer run as well as a random Trail 5K and they both went well and they both made me feel fine about running and fine about where I’m at. Sometimes it takes a little bit of break down , such as it was, to make you recognize and refocus your attitude. Hoping that this minor hiccup I had (mostly mental if not all mental) will prove to make me stronger and more focused on being healthy and happy and fulfilled with running.
You’ll rise up free and easy on that day
And float from branch to branch
Lighter than the air
Just when that day is coming, who can say?
Who can say?
Here’s the deal. There have been a lot of busy days recently. Work has been the usual cluster, which I am used to but it doesn’t make the day any easier. And then my husband and I moved which was no less than two week process and still is happening. Plus the run plan that I’ve been following seem to go on steroids two weeks ago and had me jump up to 36 miles per week whereas before the half I was at about 20.
Needless to say I feel like I was dragging and I had a run in our new neighborhood where I was supposed to do 10 miles of speed and about a mile into it I just couldn’t do it. And it was different from some of the other times where I had hesitation or lack luster feelings about a run. This was a feeling of I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, I’m not going to do this and I even felt myself get a little bit choked up and teary-eyed. I managed to sort of pull off a 6 mile faster than normal run but I knew that I had to make a change. I knew that I was going to find myself in a position of failing becoming very frustrated at myself.
And so I regrouped. I had the run-in plan re-calculate what I needed to do and I find myself at a 20 or 24 mile week which is manageable. I’ve set up the house a little bit and had a weekend of focus on that. I’m still working to potentially change my workout in the morning so that I have more time in the evening to simply relax and enjoy instead of always moving. I’m also hoping to get to bed earlier and with the addition of a new bed sleep better. Most of all though I am just trying to remain positive and not to consider this bump in the road, which wasn’t that big of a bump or lomg of a bump but still a bump, simply something that happens at times.
That’s the thing about running. You can have bad runs and you can have skipped runs but it’s dtill there when you’re ready. This weekend I had a nice eight mile longer run as well as a random Trail 5K and they both went well and they both made me feel fine about running and fine about where I’m at. Sometimes it takes a little bit of break down , such as it was, to make you recognize and refocus your attitude. Hoping that this minor hiccup I had (mostly mental if not all mental) will prove to make me stronger and more focused on being healthy and happy and fulfilled with running.
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