The Winter's Cold*

So... where have I been? Oh, around with a fairly consistent routine in my running life. I ran a half that I just missed a PR and a 5K where I won for the women (gift card, cha-ching!). In all honesty, it was a fairly disappointing summer and early fall. I think 2018 with its multiple PRs set me up for thinking that anytime I hit a race if I wanted to PR I would. Turns out that's not true. Go figure. But I've plodded along and still had a good season of running. To end the year I have a last minute half and my Turkey Trot. Not sure what the goal of the half is but my Trot I hope to place. I haven't done a ton of speed work but I have moved my Tuesdays to be a speed workout which seems to be going okay so far (two weeks in). I that that is the easiest way to reach my speed workout for the week since, doing OT and a speed workout on top of Tuesdays (which tend to be faster than I like) is a bit much for my body. Which brings me to why this post is happening now. I've decided that I'm going to try and have winter be the winter of ME. Not to say it isn't always that way, but what I really mean is to focus on not just running but the PT, stretching, strength, sleep and mental health to enter into 2020 fully ready and focused. I think that I do a good job of ME TIME, but I could use it better and more positively. I want to try and enter into marathon training with all my focus and be eager to train hard. I've already started PT and want to try and keep up the tasks that they give me. I want to feel good when I run not just because of the accomplishment but because it feels good and doesn't carry sore consequences unless I want it to. If I can start to make good habits now, I hope that they will just be a part of what I do when I start to run more. I always have to remember that they will be lax days and there should be but if I have a nice focus about these things they won't see like a chore and just part of my routine. *But the snow still settles light on the trees

Walkin' on Sunshine

I had the long run, and maybe a week of running, that I had known I needed but didn't focus on trying to get. First off my speed work went really well and I hit my marks which is always good. There are shorter than my marathon training ones were (for obvious reasons) and so feel manageable. The time commitment to them is also something that is manageable with life. It's one of the reasons, but not the only reason, why I didn't feel ready for a marathon this fall. You have to have a type of focus to get through the workouts that I've had for a while (and really always tend to have) but I wasn't sure if I could find it in me to push as much as I needed to. SO, taking a step back while working hard is good for me. Not a break, but still... a break. And the second thing I needed was my long run today. I had been going to a trail that was modestly uphill, but still up hill, for the first 2.75 miles and then hits some BIG hills. I went there three times because I wanted to try and crush hills especially due to my last few races that I was disappointed in. So, while I brought all of those runs on myself, between the hills and the summer heat, I was not enjoying those runs. Today I went back to the tried-and-true Rutland rail trail and it was grand. Granted there were WAY TO MANY bugs but some random person gave me bug spray which definitely helped. But the run was just good. I kept a solid pace, I didn't have any issues and I felt like I could keep going. It was just a nice solid performance and, especially based on the last run I did there (UGHUGHUGH) it was just a nice thing to have today. As always days and weeks like this bring me back to why I run and I look forward to the next week. It also makes me think what I can conquer next. But sometimes you just need to hold steady. I also have to remember that next week could turn out difficult. Running can sure be fickle.

Ain't No Moutain High Enough

I've been in a little of a running rut. Not so much in terms of getting out there, but it terms of results. And, well, a little mental as summer is coming and it is warming up faster than I like and faster than my body will tolerate so I'm entering that stage of feeling burned out (literally?) with this season. But in terms of results, I've done three little races recently and in all three there were hills that conquered me and I walked at. I should say one was a race up Wachusetts so that one is to be expected, but the other two were road races and I just couldn't keep it together or push myself to run those hills. The results weren't terrible, but I didn't place in my age group and I didn't have a PR which I went into these hoping for at least one if not both of those things to happen. What I'm trying to take away from it is two things. 1) If you want the have the result you need to do the work. I've done some work but it's not enough for the result that I'm hoping for. I need to focus on those hills and focus on some speed. 2) Don't make excuses or feel sorry for yourself. Even if the performance was subpar in my mind, I was there and I can use it as a learning and growing experience. I had a year of good PRs and it's like I expected that to continue. So I'm aiming to use my workout betters. Don't half-ass OT - work on getting the speeds up even if they aren't what I can do on an open road I can still use that time to better myself. Start doing some outside speed-work as the weather and body allow. Find hills. Get back on those suckers even though they suck. And focus on nutrition and caring for my body. I can't do good work if I don't have a good base.

I'm Not Givin' Up*

Two events this week have caused me to do a lot of thinking about running and my relationship with it. The first is that I signed up for the Vanessa Marcotte Memorial 5K run. Vanessa was a runner who was murdered a Sunday afternoon in Princeton, Mass. Living in this area, her death had a big impact on the local runners, especially females. I remember how we had an influx of female runners at our store, looking for company because they were afraid to run alone. I remember hearing so many discussions of if they should carry pepper spray, when they should run, maybe they wouldn't run and so on. I have a previous post that talks about how I've taken these attacks on female runners and refuse to let it dictate how I will be as a runner, but it's hard at times. I decided to run this 5K because it is important 5K. It matters. Getting out there and showing that we won't be deterred and, until this stops, we will fight it, is an amazing reason to run. The other event was the passing of Gabe Grunewald. There have been many posts about her over the week since she'd died and I won't even try to put anything more out there, other than to say sometimes life isn't fair. It is a tragedy that she was lost (as it is that MANY are lost) but it is so inspiring to read how she lived and ran. I can only hope to be a margin of a runner and have an ounce of that determination if life ever throws at me what it did her. Which leads me to a last bit about my running this week. The 5K was not my best (although time wise not terrible). I walked which I haven't in a race in forever, not even my halfs and marathons, because I felt sorry for myself and everything hurt. As I write this, and even when I was done, I knew that was not what I should have done. I knew I should have fought and pushed, even if slower, than walk. When I think of Vanessa and Gabe, when I think of so many other people, who were forced to stop, I am now disappointed in myself. Yes, it IS just a 5K and there will be others and this is not reflective of me as a person, but it is a little bit. I want a do-over in that race because I want to show that, while I did not face their tragedies, perhaps I can face what I am thrown with a little more resilience and strength. And so, I am taking time to focus and heal, because I think I'm a little beat up. I am making the decision to skip a fall marathon and run smaller, shorter races. I am going to try and win wwere I can because why now? I am going to appreciate the fact that I can be out there day after day, running and being me. I don't want to neglect this gift that I'm given nor simply push through it. I want to embrace and enjoy. *No, not yet Even when I'm down to my last breath Even when they say there's nothin' left So don't give up on

Holding Out for a Hero

As tends to be the case, when I don't have a set plan I find myself wandering around a bit in my training. I am following my RunPlan that I have but it's not really geared towards anything so I'm at about 25-29 miles a week with a long run of ten miles. I have dialed back to only three runs a week because I tend to log two runs also at OT which are anywhere from 1.5-3.1 miles so can add up. I'm climbing a bit more, still only once a week, but I'm seeing some improvement so that's kind of fun. Not sure what I'll ever do with that, but it's a nice time to share with the husband. I do have a 5K tomorrow and I'm slightly wondering if I will be able to potentially when the women or, at least, my age group. It's funny because aside from an Arizona run I did and the Shrewsbury Turkey Trot, running has never something that I go into think I can win unlike some frisbee tournaments or skating competitions. So when I have a race that I think I can actually make "a name" for myself (as much of a name as that may be in a little 5K race) I find it's fun and exciting. I love competition. Always have and I probably always so it's fun to me when there is something more to a race than just the internal competition. The other thing that I like, though, is that I'm not expected to so anything so if I don't do what I think I can do, it doesn't matter. Unlike my other events, specifically skating, there was an expectation which made it stressful. Frisbee had a team component which made it stressful in another way (you had to rely on other people and people relied on you not to mess up). Here this is just me and, really, no one knows my thoughts about what I want to accomplish. In addition to just trucking along with no plan, is that thought that I don't know what I want to do next. After Providence I was so positive about running. I still am, but when I run as the heat and humidity have started to come back, I find myself feeling that exhaustion that I had last summer creep in. I don't know if I WANT to push myself through long runs in the summer or speed workouts after work in the heat. There is something so draining about this weather that is actually a bit of the opposite from what most people think about running. I sometimes just cannot handle this weather and it makes me super frustrated and disappointed in myself so I find summer running to also be harder than winter in the mental sense. So I don't know what I'm up to this training season. I think I may try to run some shorter races and also really try to PR in a half. I'll keep up my distances, but I'm not sure if there's a fall marathon in my future this year. I may lay-low and look to tackle Providence or another spring marathon with a little more vigor than I did this year.

For the First Time in a Long Time

I just wanted to share a few more thoughts post providence Marathon because I feel like they are a little bit different than my post Baystate Marathon. After both of my Baystate marathons I had a sense of accomplishment but also a cloud of disappointment. The second one was especially a hard time for me afterwards. It was a hard fought training program, one that had many ups and many downs, and the race itself was the same way. I truly thought I was on the right track and in many ways I was but just a little bit short. During that race I came close to tears when I realize I just couldn’t pull through and upon finishing realizing how close I was and yet how far away I was I thought my heart sing. I wondered where I lost my time and if I could have made it up and settled on the fact that I am not sure where I could have made it up but I am certain that I could have made it up. I was proud of the improvement in my time but super disappointed in the result. And it took a long time to get over that and in many ways I still haven’t gotten over it since I still need to keep running if I ever want to qualify for Boston. After Providence though I have a happier outlook. I think that race took a lot of grits as I explained earlier that I didn’t really focus on before hand. But now upon finishing and thinking back on it and thinking about my time and how I feel couple days after words I am proud of what I did this past Sunday. I think that it was a better showing in many ways in the previous two marathons. I didn’t put in the training but I still had a result that I can be proud of and having run in that weather and just doing what needed to be done now that it has settled in a bit more I’m happy with the experience and how I finish the race. Also unlike after Baystate in which I wondered if I would decide to do a marathon again this was a positive experience in which I am actually looking forward to running a marathon again and looking forward to potentially pushing myself and trying once more for that elusive goal. It makes me look forward to training hard because I see the result of what I consider to be so so training and there is that thought of what could I actually do if I got myself back out there and really focused it’s made me want to focus on other things which I always have on the back burner including but not limited to better nutrition meditation better food etc. As always. Better stretching. So all in all I’m like how my previous post after last year were filled with a better death and a sadness and some regret I don’t feel at this time I feel a sense of accomplishment in a sense of pride which is something that I greatly enjoyed as many people would look forward to the next chapter and just seeing what I decide to do.

Lady Peaceful

And here we are, again, on the other side of the marathon. This time I split the difference: 3:41:50. Not a BQ, not a PRbut I’m more okay with this than after Baystate. The expectation and work weren’t in this one as much although I won’t say that I didn’t work at this one. I just didn’t work as hard as I had for last year’s Baystate so I’m happy with my result. Also it was a wet and not warm race, although I think the tempature wasn’t too bad until I was done. Granted I ran 24 miles in a poncho so maybe not ideal either... What I will say is the following: afterwards and when my husband mentioned how this race took grit I hadn’t thought about that before but I suppose that’s what this one. Yes people have run much worse ones (I live in Boston and remember 2018) but this was a race where I just went out and did it, not thinking. Also it is the first race where I didn’t have my headphones on and I liked that. It caused a different type of focus. I also really focused on the “let’s try to push and see what happens” once I passed a point where I needed to decide if qualifying was an option. That was a nope, but I think some of that stemmed from the no music and really needing to just focus on the running. Lastly, my legs hurt so bad towards the end but I am proud of keeping it together even with slower splits. I wanted to walk really badly but I didn’t and just allowed myself to slow down and put on foot in front of each other. It was a race that I felt like I lost focus with about 8-9 miles to get which is a tad earlier than I’d want. I think some of that stems from the training that I was missing so the fatiage and discomfort came earlier. Some could have also been the weather and my muscles being colder even if I didn’t totally recognize that or feel it. So here are my take aways: I’m in better base shape than I expected which is pretty cool. I can handle the marathon distance and have yet to have a total implosion which is kind of nice. I think I need to keep up the longer speed training and maybe try the long tempos with a longer base which I’ve kind of done before but not entirely. I also need to try and make my longer runs just a bit longer, more like 23-24 when I get up there. I also want to work on diet more and see how that goes especially before the longer speed and long runs. I may also slowly switch back to AM runs once I get back out there. Which leads me to the point that: yeah, it seems I’ll do another marathon. Not sure if I’ll try to find one in the fall or wait until next fall and focus on Hyannis and Eastern States for the winter. I don’t think I want to try a really train hard for a fall race; I don’t think I’ll have the motivation and winter is too picky. So, we shall see but I think I have a 3:30 in me so maybe I’ll try to race a fall half (1:40 goal) and placing in my local turkey trot. But for now, I am resting and enjoying that.

Sight to See*

Like so many post before here we are on race weekend. I haven’t decided how I feel. If you read the last couple of entries I seem a little schizophrenic about how I feel toward running and training. My last 20 miler still has me worried and I wonder how much a benefit that actually ended up being. Or if, in the end, that will have been something that hurt me so it turns out I didn’t really put in the milrge necessary to carry me through 26 miles The other side of me is wondering if maybe I have it in me. I truly believe that I have a 3:30 Marathon well within my grasp but is it this weekend? Probably not and it’s probably not without a lot more work. But I wonder what I am capable of. And if this is the weekend to try once more to push it. There is a also the concern about not having the endurance or the legs to carry me through and I literally just fall apart. That’s more of a embarrassment worry and something I probably shouldn’t concern myself about because who really cares but it’s always in the back of my mind. I don’t feel like I am actually prepared to race this run but I feel like there’s a part of me that is not capable of not racing. So where would that leave me? But that is where the rubber hits the road and only Sunday will tell me how I do. There’s also that part of me that doesn’t want to feel like I do at the end of the races which I think is in evitable when you run 26 miles no matter how hard you push yourself. It’s never a fun feeling right at the end and I’m not sure how mentally prepared I am for that. But we shall see. I’ll catch you on the other side. *They say it's all been done but they haven't seen the best of me So I got one more run and it's gonna be a sight to see

Will You Catch Me if I Should Fall?

And hereks how the weekend will close: with a 12 mile run that I managed to keep it together during although I wanted to have it be 15 miles. I did a little over 3 1/2 yesterday and, once done, I sat in my driveway texting a friend feeling sorry for myself. I think that the 20 miler I did last week did more harm than good and I’m really concerned about my preparation and position for Providence. I’d always hoped but somehow this could be another attempt at a Boston qualifier but I also wanted to be realistic with my training and just focus on running a marathon and enjoying the training and some time with friends. I think I can still accomplish that although there is that part of me, that part is so desperately wants her in Boston despite the previous post, but wonders if I can do it. With the last week that I had that wonder part of me has gone out in a tiny little ash. I don’t think my body has it in it to be able to Boston qualifying and I don’t think that I should push it because the end result may be a non-finish. So can I hold myself back and simply run a marathon? I suppose we’ll find out but some part of me, that part sitting on the cement feeling sorry for myself, wishes that it wasn’t so. I wish they had done some more work, had not gotten sick, had just tried a little harder so that the idea of a BQ was a little bit more on my radar. I suppose no one can know how to go and you don’t really know entirely how your training helped you interesting. But I know I didn’t put in the time especially as I did for Baystate in 2018. It was maybe similar to Bay State in 2017 but even though I think that I watched a little bit harder than I did. And like I said I feel like this last week actually said that my training as a post to help a lot. In retrospect I probably should’ve ran less last week I did a longer run, maybe even my last 20 miler like my friend it, this weekend. But hindsight is exactly that and there’s nothing I can do to change what I’ve already done other than to push forward and in some ways hope for the best but focus on reality.

You May Be Right*

I seem to be having a hard couple of weeks. The prior post was actually done almost a month ago but I just put it up there today. That was a time in which I felt that things were a little bit more together in terms of my running. I still don’t feel like I am Kylie off. But there have been some issues lately. 40 in memory concerns I’m going to start backwards. Today I have a head cold which started yesterday. I was supposed to do my speed work and decided to move that to tomorrow, health pending. What that means is I now have an extra day of rest that I had a plan so I am trying to shift around my schedule. I think whatever result in is the proper mileage but that a little bit differently. All that is fine but we are coming on such a crunch time that it makes me a little uncomfortable to deviate it off of the schedule. I have to remember that having certain deviations is OK and nothing is for certain and one missed right especially because of the cold probably won’t change the outcome. Before the cold I had the Boston weekend. I feel like that should be in all caps: BOSTON WEEKEND. It’s hard to summarize it properly but it involved a visit to the vet ER, working six days in a row in which I never woke up past 6 AM it felt like if not actually was accurate. Ready to 20 miler which was Cibilo the worst run I have ever had. And having family members in town which made things very difficult to find peace and quiet. My husband also ran Boston which is wonderful for him but not the easiest pill to swallow for me. I obviously hope that one day I will have my chance there but each year that goes by and each year that I see everyone who does want it I get a little bit disheartened in various ways. It is such an amazing event and people do amazing things either by time standards or money standards but after seeing everyone I do at the expo there’s a part of me that finds I’ve lost some of my luster towards the event. That being said all of that could be attributed to the bitterness I have not yet having reach the standard I want to in order to run it. I think it’s maybe a combination of all things and something that if I ever qualify I will probably have the exact same approach the weekend but from the outside you like to think that it would be different for you. And then before that I was having serious sciatica issues? Hip issues? Leg issue? Hard to say but it was pretty painful and I eventually had to put a hold on my OT for the month. That probably is a good call as I reach taper land but it was a difficult time. The silver lining with that one is it seems to have gotten better. I still have some discomfort but is not what it was. I think I was overworking it and maybe the rowing wasn’t helping especially with all the running I was doing. Yeah let me talk about last weekend 20 miler. I went into it after working the Boston expo which is probably not a great idea because your food intake is totally off and I had a late dinner that was in retrospect and maybe even an presentspect way too rich. The end result was a 20 miler that for the first five I was concerned about but I was riding with someone else for the next three I was even more concerned about but still ride with someone else. The next eight or so I’ve been having more a terrible decision it which I found myself in such distress that I didn’t necessarily know how I was going to get back to a safe place. I eventually did it felt better and thought that I could continue on my way to finish the last five or so miles. That was my 12 mistake? Hundredth mistake? Hard to say. But no matter how you slice it the run took everything out of me and I was entirely beat up. It wasn’t a successful run overall timewise because of how much starting and stopping I did it which I did stop my watch so my Pace looked OK but the overall pace would really have made over a 10 minute mile for the 20. It was my last 20 miler and I’m not sure how much benefit it had. I suppose the one real benefit of it was running when I was entirely done. Had a Nother 6 miles to go I don’t think I would have made it but you never now so maybe there was a benefit despite all the bad decisions that happened. How old is this to be said that with the Boston marathon just happened in the mail marathon coming up I always turn my eyes for looking for that Boston qualifier. I’m not sure I have anything close to it in me but there’s a part of me that thinks I just have to try but then will I ruined my race. Probably. But do I go for anyways? Probably. It’s a hard thing to face when you know that you haven’t done what you needed to do but you still have some of that desire in particularly you know that you probably won’t have another shot this year just given the time and effort that goes into this type of training. My body also is craving of rest and I know I have to do it so even if I felt I just missed the mark I don’t think I could try again this probably need to wait till 2020. It’s hard to say and I still have some time but I just wanted to get out there all the ways in which I feel ill prepared well maybe mentally prepared. *I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic You’ve been looking for. Turn out the light. Don’t try to save me. You may be wrong for all I know You may be right.

Forever Young

I recently ran the eastern states 20 miler. I was using it as my long run, first 20 miler in the books!, So was focused on trying to keep the pace relatively slow and more akin to a long run as a post to a race. I did pretty well with that attempt, running at an 831 pace. It was an OK run over all. I had some mental issues pretty quickly into the run and had a hard time staying focused but I was able to finish it. I can’t tell if I am just sort of burned out with long-distance running or if it was something more to do with the day. Who is to say. Shrug. What I will say is that course is probably one of the prettiest that I’ve run on. It was also a great weather day for that race. This time of year is always tricky and you never know what you’re going to get. Even though I did have a hard time in the race it did go smoothly and it made me appreciate something that is very unique to long-distance runner: I went out and did 20 miles like it was just a typical Sunday. Sure I was pretty tired a little sore and definitely starving but it was something that I was able to do and do with relative ease. There is a lot of history in a lot of work that went into getting me to that point but it is still something that’s pretty awesome and unique. Even as I wander what this next Marathon will bring and if I at all have a chance of qualifying I’m trying to remember how lucky I am to be a part of the sport and to be above average at it. I’m not a professional and I’ll never make money off of it but I am a little bit more talented than your average Joe at it. It’s something that makes me unique and something that I enjoy so even through the long run. Physically demanding or mentally difficult it’s good to remember that this is something that I get to do not something that I have to do.

Hit the Ground Running

One of the difficult things about winter for myself it’s finding the motivation to do speed work when it’s dark and cold outside. I imagine that this is a problem that faces most runners who are training for something during this time of year on the coast or an area of the world where winter is really a thing. In some ways I suppose I could overcome the cold and just really suck it up and warm up better but part of it too is the darkness where you can’t be totally securing your foot falls. There is something really unnerving about trying to go as close to all out on something when you are in 100% sure if what you’re stepping on is going to be slippery or not. So like many other people and runners once daylight savings hits and I get my evenings back there is a sense of relief that comes with it. And a sense of wanting to do more. Once you decide that you want to do more which for me means trying to do speed work there is that hesitation of “how will it go?” There are very few things as telling us how good and shape you are as a speed workout. It’s something that you can push yourself through but because you are literally watching a Clock the whole time you entirely understand the splits that you are missing as it’s happening. It also is one of the hardest things to try and correct midway through. All that being said I decided I would get back on a track and try my yasso work out that I had been avoiding for a pretty long time. Turns out I still have it in me. Not to be entirely cliché but I do think that OT has had something to do with the fact that when I did my yasso my splits were as good if not better than the last time I did them this summer. Some of it may have to do with the fact that I’m not as burnt out when I’m trying them at that time. Either way it was an accomplishment for me and made me feel a little bit more confident going into this Marathon. I’m still not sure what to expect from it nor what I want to try to set my expectations at but I feel like maybe there is a chance that I can have a race that I’m proud of. Not sure if there’s any chance of having it being a Boston qualifier but I think that there is a part of my body and mind that feels I could push if I felt good that day for that goal.

I Ain’t No Superman

I had a fun, new adventure yesterday for long run: running part of the marathon course. 

First off, let me say that it was a great weather running day weather wise. It was sunny, with no wind, but you still wanted gloves and a hat. 

Second, the Boston Marathon route is simply flooded with runners. 

I guess I never understood how many people were out on these days preparing for the race. It was a bit overwhelming and sort of made it feel like a race, but also made it pretty cool in that regard. 

Third, I had a good running buddy with me who actually kept me moving faster than I wanted, or maybe I did with him, but either way it was the longest I’ve ever run with someone who is kind of cool. 

Overall, the run went well. 

I’m still not totally sure what to expect from Providence and there’s this part of me whispering “you can still try to qualify” but there’s a part of me that is a bit louder saying “don’t push it and enjoy this for what it is”. We shall see which wins out come May 5th, but I am working towards having a good race even if not my best race. 

I also had a lot of different thoughts while doing this run about what it means to do Boston. 

For me, I’ve always thought (when I’ve thought about running Boston) that I want to qualify to run it and that it mattered how I got there. It still matters to me and I doubt I’ll run Boston without qualifying (unless I find a charity that I love and support) but looking at all the runners and the variety of, shall we say, talent out there on the course made me realize that maybe only a few of us view Boston with such respect. Now, don’t get me wrong that charity runners do great things, but that’s on the financial side of things. On the running side: meh. 

One thing I’ve learned about a marathon is anyone can do it, but not everyone can do it well. Most people who run Boston, who go to work the next day or a few days later saying “they ran Boston” don’t really do that. The finish it. They are there. But they don’t run it. I’ve always wanted to to run it and, to run it, I need to qualify. 

I think that charity runners are wonderful but, as I said to my friend, maybe there’s a part of me that enjoys the work that comes with a marathon that no one cares about, that is running and racing for me and not for the Monday in April. But, as I also said, maybe that’s also coming from he bitter place of someone who hasn’t qualified and is refusing to get the starting line by another mean right now.

At the End of the Day

Two posts! 

Here’s the Hyannis breakdown because racing season is here! Going into Hyannis we knew the weather was going to be wet and windy and it did not disappoint. I have actually been very lucky with race weather and truthfully I don’t think I’ve raced in rain before (shocking I know. I HAVE played lots is frisbee in it though). 

Anyhow I went in hoping for a 1:45-1:50 because I’ve not really done sped other than OT and I had my knee stuff happening (see previous post). There is ALWAYS the hope of a PR but I know not every race can be done despite 2018. So the weather was like 40, real feel 30 something and it was pouring. I wore a poncho for 11 miles and still got soaked through to my base layer. 

 Sidenote: I don’t actually have a rainproof or even resistant rain coat. I ordered one on Amazon last night... 

The end result of my windy, wet and, at times hilarious, half was 1:45:25. Not to shabby! Third best in my half career and here’s the thing: I had some moments of “oh UGH this needs to stop; I’m not gonna make it” BUT those passed and, with my time, I can actually see a 1:40 somewhere on my horizon. That’s a nice feeling because I wasn’t sure how I’d feel. 

It makes me excited for the future races. I’m still not sure what Providence will bring or if I’m going to up my training, but I like the feeling of there’s still more in me.

Got Your Number

Here’s a good moral: don’t do like I do. 

As previously posted, I’ve been battling with a knee issue that seemed to have come out of nowhere. I took some time off (very little but still - count it!) and I also changed my shoes. Now, about two week from the knee change, no more pain (or we’ll... just the normal pain I have post two knee surgeries). I didn’t do the right thing really; I barely took time off and blamed something else BUT I did begin to stretch more. If anything, because of the quickness and randomness of this pain, it has reminded me (again) to not take my body for granted. I need to remember that I’m abusing my body every day and to consider that when I rest. I need to think more about recovery and stretching. 2019 is just starting and I have to races in my radar - it’s time to remember I’m not necessarily going to bounce back only because I want to. 

This is where my draft ended and I kind of what to pick up right there without deleting it for two reasons. 

The first is that I didn’t post that previously because it was missing something and I realized what it was about a week ago. It was missing the OTHER reason pain sucks. There is the unknown of what is it, will it get better, when will it gets better, etc. But the other part, that part I am so familiar with after two surgeries is how unlike yourself you feel when in pain. I’ve had this to an extreme where I didn’t run for almost a year. I also have it kind of constant but with varying degrees of discomfort. 

When something like my above-mentioned paincomes up it sucks because I dislike myself and how I feel. I don’t feel Whole for so many reasons. I feel like a stranger who is just trying to get by either through force or will or denial neither of which make me feel anymore myself. It makes me feel a little lost and a little like a walking excuse. It makes me change how I go about things in a way I really don’t like. Pain takes so much and, when it is gone or back to normal (whatever that may be) it is amazing how much brighter everything is. Unless you’ve gone through it, it’s hard to explain but that first time you wake up and walk and realize you changed nothing is pure magic and joy. 

Thankfully I’ve got some of that magic back and the pain has subsided. I’m back to normal somewhat but will be trying to address the source of the pain through stretching and even a massage (yessssssss). Pain is humbling and it helps to remember that and to try and avoid it as best you can.

I’m a Warrior

This post was written back in the summer, but I never put it up. Hearing a song made me recall it and finally post it.

This weekend, though, I couldn’t help but think of Mollie Tibbetts. I only know the story from the press and there is nothing more unique about her story then the other ones I’ve heard (or the countless that we haven’t heard). I know she likely wasn’t the only runner, female or male, attacked that day and possibly killed but her story is the one we hear now and is the one making people take pause.

As I ran today, I thought about how I, or any of my friends, could have been or could be Mollie. I did not run on July 18th but I ran four days that week. I’ve run at 5:30am and 7pm at night. I’ve run local loops and new adventure loops. I’ve run in sun, rain and snow. I’ve run with a phone and without a phone. I’ve run in long pants and short shorts. Tank tops and long sleeve shirts. And never have I been afraid when I went out the front door.

With Mollie’s story (or more locally Vanessa Marcotte’s) there becomes a wave of fear within the running world, especially for female runners. I do not think this fear is unwarranted and that makes me so angry. I’m mad because runner’s change their paths because of these crimes. Runner’s change their clothes. They carry mace. They shorten runs or, worse of all, skip runs all together. Something that is supposed to bring joy and health brings fear and pain.

This weekend I thought long and hard about what this means to me as a runner and how it impacts me. As I ran I realized that I am refusing to be afraid right now. I will run because I can and because I can defy those who pray on runner’s because of their vulnerability. I will be cautious because I should be, but I will run because that is all that Mollie, Vanessa and all those whose names I don’t know wanted to do: they wanted to run because it was something they loved and needed just as it is for me.

It is not fair what happened and there is no sense in these stories. Everyone should be able to lace up theirs shoes and enjoy a mile or ten without fear of attack or death. And so I encourage all my friends, male and female, to go and take a run because it is something powerful and beautiful and should not be held captive by fear and hate. 

Young But Not That Bold

it’s been a while since I’ve dealt with an injury that I feel I need to take actual time off. The last time was two years ago post Lei-Out when I thought I had done damage to my new ACL. (I hadn’t). I’ve had little things here and there but I’ve kept at it and pushed through.

I’m now two-ish weeks into knee pain with five days of no running and only limited gym time.  I’m not sure what I did, although I don’t think it’s something worse than inflammation and/or over use but it’s frustrating. I’m worried about the next 3-4 months with the various races I have planned. I’m trying to have patience but it’s hard because... I’m me. It’s hard for me not to workout and, really, to work out hard. I miss that feeling and I can feel myself wah-wahing a bit in life.

I did do OT this am and, while it hurt some during the process, this afternoon it’s no worse than before. I soaked in a bath and am trying Icy Hot. For some reason straight ice hasn’t helped this far. I’m trying to focus on stretching and, assuming I’m coming back and gearing up for Hyannis, I’ll need to keep an eye on how I feel and ease back into this.

I try to always remember that a rest time isn’t an end game decision. There will be more time to come back and figure things out.

My Revival

Much like the past summer, I’m finding myself needing to reboot this new year. Between travel, a cold, THE cold and the sudden start of Providence training I’m a little...well...huh...crap time to focus. So that’s what I’m going to try and do.

F.O.C.U.S.

I wish I could come up with some witty thing that stood for but, nope.

Regardless of the lack of wit, here’s the deal. I need to stay healthy which is a little bit of a worry with some knee pain happening that I can’t quite figure out. But I did survive frisbee so there’s also that. I need to figure out how to balance OT and the run increase of eventually step back from OT. I also need to get use to attempts at speed work in the cold.

I know I can do this I just need to keep at it. While running on Tuesday on the treadmill I heard the song that is the subject here which is what I’m trying to keep in mind. Sometimes you need to not only focus but to acknowledge a new start of that.

Dying on Top of the World*

So the year ended a few days ago while I was on vacation which is not a terrible way to end and begin a new year. As many do, the start of something is a time to reflect and aim for new achievements. Here are some of my reflections:

2018 was a year for PRs which is pretty awesome. I actually had one in EVERY race I ran except for my Turkey Trot which is amazing. I feel very proud of that fact and it’s a testament to how work can pay off. It also makes going into 2019 hard in the fact that I want to keep getting those PRs but now, as is the case, they are harder to reach. That being said, I don’t think I’ve peaked just yet.

I found this summer running for Baystate one of the most mentally difficult times for running. It was a huge series of ups and downs, with the downs really being rough. I felt extremely beat up by the heat and it pushed me through some (a LOT) of doubts. In the end, I think the training went well... I didn’t get injured and had a 8:21 Marathon PR. I also did a lot more miles than before so that change was bound to make me feel it.

And then there’s the Marathon... I still go back and forth. It was a great PR and there are so many stories of professional runners missing their marks and how they keep trying. I know that’s part of the sport and I have run two marathons and they have both gone great so it’s not all a loss. But it was soclose. I can’t help but think, especially are the husband is training for Boston now, why couldn’t I have made up that time. I don’t yet know if I will train for Providence to have it be a BQ attempt or just get my feet wet into the non-intense training for a marathon. We shall see as I have just a bit of time before I need to make that decision. But still... with Baystate I AM proud but there will always be that little bitter taste to it especially if I don’t make it one day.

So now that 2019 has started I’m trying to think about some goals. I’d like to run a 1:40 half which, I think, may be about as fast as I’ll be able to run it. I was thinking it would be fun to find a 5K and try to push it like the end and beginning of 2017 and 2018 last year just to see. And then there is the elusive BQ and if I try a third time this year. I’m going to see how I feel as Providence training starts and go from there. A part of me would like to not mold my summer around a training program but a part of me wonders well what else would I do? I still was able to do all our events and don’t think we’ll do a bigger travel until mid-fall which I can work around. I do want to keep up OT and morning workouts as well as trythe climbing with the husband to keep myself well rounded-ish. I suppose, other than the half goal, I’m not yet sure what I want for 2019 and that’s okay. I am sure the goals and ideas with take shape as the days continue.

* Here I am
Living a dream that I can’t hold
Here I am on my own.
On top of the world,
On top of it all, trying to feel invincible.
Dying on top of the world.