Dream a Little Dream

I usually come back to where I did 8th grade and high school at Christmas time (only once did I not and I think that still haunts my mom to this day). When I'm here, I've usually come from cold weather be it in the mid-west or now the east coast so I soak up the warm southwest weather as much as I can mainly in the form of running. As I go through familiar paths around my house and the park nearby I'm always struck by my previous years of running out here.

I was a hurdler in high school, or as much as one can be at a D-3 school. I think I took on that role because, although I was quick, I wasn't really quick enough to be a solo sprinter (meaning the 100 or 200). The hurdles lowered the playing field some such that I was able to keep up and, sometimes even, win. I also think because of the skating I was somewhat groomed for that role and the jumping. My hurdling career was okay - I won some small meets (at least I think I did...) and made it to states once and almost once more.

Quick memory: I was in the finals in lane four, aka the fast lane, and about 7 hurdles in ate it hard core and thus did not qualify when I more than likely should have and could have my senior year. Remember that prior post about how I'm good, but never quite good enough sometimes... yea... that's another example.

Anyhow.

My track coach told us we had to run cross-country even if we where sprinters. I'm not quite sure if he really wouldn't have let us run track, but in high school if he said we had to do it, we did. So my junior year I ran it and my senior year I got pulled into it to make the numbers for state. Now, when I say that I was not good at cross-country, I don't mean that I was not winning but doing okay. I mean I was the last runner to cross on our team. I remember I broke 30 minutes one time and was hoping Kenny would be happy and proud. When I got pulled in my senior year and hadn't ran with the team so pretty much was not in shape, I think I finished states second to last. Out of EVERYONE.

I disliked the distance. I disliked the discomfort. I disliked everything about it and it was THREE MILES. I never trained, really, looking for ways to cut the runs short and just not try during them. I didn't pay attention to eating or drinking (a Pepsi afterwards was my favorite drink). I felt slow (and was) and out of shape (not sure if I was or just didn't try). I wanted to sprint and do track and cross-country was a necessary burden I barely tolerated.

I remember running the park and doing two loops, or just about 3 miles, for the first time and how it was an accomplishment but probably the last one of the season. I remember doing a workout up north while camping and being the slowest in the longer ones. I remember everything I disliked about it and some of the embarrassment. Now, honestly almost twenty years (!!!) later as I run I find it so ironic.

Yesterday I looped my park three times in an 8:33 pace and it just easy. On Monday I did a 7 mile run around my house, hills and valleys included, in 8:43 and stopped only once because the hill was HUGE and I didn't need to die. I will run at least once more here as well and it's always so amazing to me where I find myself now.

I love running. It is a part of my life that has been a constant for 13 years or so. I think about reaching out to my old coach and saying "Can you believe that I've tried to qualify for Bostons twice now and nearly have it and WANT to try again? That I willingly do tempo runs and 800 repeats after working 9 hours? I've run a 21 minute 5K and a 1:44 half marathon. I'm a 3:37 marathoner!" Me, that girl that didn't run a 5K in less than 10 minutes a miles most of the time. Me, that girl who only did what you asked because you asked. I wonder if he would even care, but to me it matters. It shows how much I have grown (and maybe how good I could have been...). It makes me happy to think that these roads I ran have finally felt like home in a place where I disliked nearly every step. It shows to me the power of running and the happiness that it can bring.

In Every Task That Must Be Done

As the weeks go by, I'm trying to figure out my groove with running. I've reset my run plan a few times because what it wanted me to do was just too much or perhaps too overwhelming to fit in. Or, perhaps...and more likely... I just didn't want to put in the effort. It's cold and it's dark and thinking about running a speed workout or 7 miles at 6pm is just a LOT. I've gone back to logging some miles on a treadmill to avoid the 3 layers of winter clothes (despite the fact that once you are out there it really isn't so bad). I'm trying to get the focus and drive back but I'm just falling short. Of course, I'm stilling out there (or in there depending on the day) but I feel like I want to do more and finding myself lacking in getting to that point.

But... this week I'm in sunny Arizona visiting family. I've been here about 27 hours or so and have already gotten two runs in. I have OT tomorrow am and want to try and do another workout after that. I have sun and sweat and shorts. It's something truly magically coming from the very beginning of winter on the East Coast. It is a breath of fresh air (literally). I am hoping to sleep and read and relax in a way I haven't in months. I hope that this is a reset that actually helps me truly reset into the new year.

I don't know what my goals will be. There is always the hope of the BW and attempting it for the third (UGH - TWO MINUTES) time. But I also think I want to try to run a marathon ... just to run one and aim for something like under four hours. I may consider looking into one for May which would give me some down time if I want to try for a BQ in the fall again. It would also give me an excuse to train with the Husband and try to keep him focused, haha. I also would like to expand and really try rock climbing as promised. I hope that by becoming more rounded in activities with OT and rock climbing I'll find more joy in running (I already truly enjoy it and, as my husband does say, love it way more than him) but maybe having something more will make it feel like a treat instead of a task as it sometimes did this past year (damn you super hot summer!)

I guess we'll see how this break works for me and how I find myself gearing up for the new year. One thing in closing is that some people I work with asked me if when I go to Arizona or on vacation if I take a vacation from running. I laughed at that and said that is the best place and time to run.

For a Bitter Time

I’m tying to still figure out how I feel about running. I’m finally back to looking forward to running and getting back on track with training and psushing myself. That being said, I’m not sure where my head is totally at with the idea of trying to BQ again and run a marathon. There’s a part of me that is chomping at the bit to get at it again. Then there’s the part of me that think wth, why?

I think I’m also torn between wanting to that and looking to do new things. I do OT, which yes, is not that different, but it takes up a day of a workout unless I want to do double duty (is that too much? I never know...) but also maybe looking into climbing with the husband. But then I think...

Come on. You’ve got to do this.

I ran the turkey trot that I got second in my age group last year (third this year, but (1) I was in fact hung over and (2) it was like 0 outside so...) and during the race I had that conversation with myself of why I was pushing and to just dial it back. And then I had the OTHER thought of get it together and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Just. Run. Just. Race.

It’ll be over and you’ll feel so good and cool about it all. Which is where the drive to try again comes from and to push myself to that point of both hate and pride with this sport. So... we shall see.

Maybe, as the opening to this post says...

It’s gonna hurt for a bitter time, so bottles up let’s forget tonight.

And do it tomorrow.

A Mess is Still a Moment

In a turn of events, unsure if I would say surprising or not surprising, after my last past I came down with something fierce. I’m pretty sure it was food poisoning in some fashion but Wednesday around 3am I woke up and changed beds. At 6am I had to call out of work and at 7PM I finally really removed myself from the bed. I ate nothing until two slices of bed and half a cup of soup. My Fitbit, something that I have not walked under 10,000 steps in over a year, registered 678 steps. I have never been that low even post knee surgery (I checked). I don’t know what it was but I know it kicked my butt in a way something hasn’t in a very, very long time. I wonder how much of it may have been my body also just saying STOP after a long hard summer (maybe year) of work. I rested even more and today I finally feel like myself. I’m on an eating schedule that makes sense and may venture to the gym.

The one thing I will say about this is that I’m trying to take the refocus for a good thing. I push hard in much of what I do. I try to get enough sleep and eat enough, but I also have goals and a schedule and want to get things done. Sometimes I think I forget to stop and not worry about what I have to do. Missing my Fitbit goal for two days may not seem like much to someone else, but ther is something nice about it having been out of my reach from the very start of the day. There was no chance I could do it and... that’s okay. It’s a good reminder that sometimes it’s okay to fall short be it in a marathon (wah wah) or in a daily step goal. There’s nothing wrong with just not succeeding in something and it doesn’t matter the reason so long as, when you are able, you refocus.

Uptown Baby

Sometimes you have one of those days where it just seems everything is a little off including your mood. Today was that day and some of it, or most of it, has to do with this transition from light to dark (and no I don’t mean just the election, har har har). This time of year is the hardest for me but it passs. It doesn’t help that it’s also been raining for the last two days and traffic has been awful.

Anyhow.

Work was so so and, if nothing else, was dull. It’s Election Day and I didn’t vote before work so after getting stuck in a parking garage for far too long and rushing to vote, I was not in the mood to then rush to run club in the rain. But I went because I knew I was going to run either inside or out, so hey not.

And what a great decision.

Tonight’s run was one of those runs where everything just clicks. It was a quick pace, running with someone for part and then my own. The weather was different and not too hot or cold (although it was wet). Nothing hurt and nothing felt off really off and when it did feel a little off I could put it aside and keep trucking. It was a happy and free run and just what I needed today.

It was also a bit of what I’ve needed post-Marathon. I don’t feel like I’m in a rut and I am not injured (woo!) but it does take a bit to get your feet back under you. Things do hurt and you are tired plus you just aren’t going as much as you did. It’s like suddenly you hit the brake after doing 90 mph and it takes somet time to shift back into the proper gear. I know this run didn’t suddenly jump start my training again because I don’t really have a plan of what’s next (I have started some thoughts of course) but it felt good and back to my old self.

Dancing in the Moonlight

Keeping with my promise to try and do more happy running blogging, hee I am posting when not really following a training plan. It’s fall here and that means that darkness is creeping in more readily. We are going to turn back our clocks tomorrow which means all post work runs will be in the dark. There are the goods and bads with that in my mind. I get a bit nervous finding my footing using a handheld or headlamp. Of course as the season progresses you get better at this (aside from when it’s rainy or icy...). Also there is the fact that it seems to take just that little bit more effort to get the light and the extra clothing such that you really need to keep focus. But one thing I do like about the dark running is how small you can feel and powerful.

When it’s just your light shining your path, the world is small. Each move is limited by the beam and the noises that you here all around you grow bigger. There is such an unknown element in the dark that it makes it exciting and a little unnerving. And I like that power that comes with night running. Not everyone does it or wants to do it. You are a little more unique during those runs I think and I enjoy that because it shows the world that dark and cold can’t stop you.

Bitter End

So take a step back again
We'll grind ourselves down to a bitter end
Don't deny me
Don't deny me my bitter end

There's a lot I could say about my race at Baystate. The weather, which seemed like it could have been much worse, was really great minus a head win. My training paid off as the post-run was more successful (less dry heaving!). I am not 100% sure I'm sold on the marathon distance (directly after it was most certainly was NOT). I'm not disappointed but I am because the biggest thing I can say about Baystate is this:

I missed my qualifying time by 2:09.

So close and yet so far.

I don't know how I feel about that in reality. I am happy with the 7 minute or so PR - that means I did something right. I don't know where I lost the time (I mean the second half) and I don't know if I knew to make it up. There is a small part (the part that wants to blame something else) that blames my watch which didn't seem to keep the proper splits, but even that is an empty thought. I don't remember NOT running my best because of what I thought I was running. I DO remember, though, thinking I had this and imagined crossing the line successfully at the half way point (when I did still have it). But I also remember falling apart with 2-3 miles to go and wanting to just STOP because I knew I didn't have it in me and "why did it even matter"? I remember that thought so clearly and wanting so badly to just sit and cry and very devastated because, in some ways it is devastating, but in other ways it is just a run and a darn good one at that. But I also remember NOT stopping and pushing through and how, although I feel total loss at the work and the fact it didn't pay off how I wanted to, I know that was a small victory over myself.

I wish that I could say I found that power sooner and could have made up those minutes - but I can't. I didn't have it when I needed it, but I at least did get it. I am not sure what the future of my marathon training or attempts at BQ hold. I think it is time to maybe find a little more joy and focus in my running that is not related to a training plan. I am hoping that perhaps I'll try to do this blogging more and think more about running and open up about it and the training that I'll do as I approach my mid-to-late thirties. I know that, despite this set back, it was a hard fought attempts from day one of this training. I put a lot into it and I am not sad about that because I tried and perhaps I'll try again, but for now, I am going to rest and slowly gear up for my Turkey Trot.

The Game Is On Again

And here we go. The time has come. Baystate is Sunday and all that is left is one dust off run and the race. I’ll have to  re-read my post from last year and the week leading up to this race because this year I feel like there is so much more trepidation and worry about it. I am trying to stay in the mindset of really truly does doesn’t matter. But after almost a full year preparing for this mentally and physically it seems like there is a lot on the line. I am us feel like I’m going into this as if I could win it. That is so ridiculous but that is how my focus feels and after a pretty rough summer of training I just want this to be over but I also wanted to be successful. Last year I feel like the goal was to of course qualify but there was also an element of just run your first marathon. This year I feel like that’s not enough in the pressure that I seem to  be putting on my self is relatively ridiculous but it’s there.

At the same time there is an aspect to this of just get it done and let it be done and let it be what it is. Unlike last year though that let it be what it is has an element of please look at me and then I qualify. I don’t know if I have another marathon training schedule in me. It is funny because I actually now feel like I enjoyed the train but while doing this it was so much work and there was so much frustration at times that I don’t look back on it that finally despite the shape that I am in. There’s also the issue with the taper time because it always feels like this is when you are gaining weight and losing speed. It’s part of the process and I know that and the whole point is that my body should be ready to pull me through the 26.2 miles but right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s possible to do it at an 8:10 pace.

 It is funny because I actually now feel like I enjoyed the train but while doing this it was so much work and there was so much frustration at times that I don’t look back on it that finally despite the shape that I am in. There’s also the issue with the taper time because it always feels like this is when you are gaining weight and losing speed. It’s part of the process and I know that and the whole point is that my body should be ready to pull me through the 26.2 miles but right now it doesn’t feel like that’s possible. It certainly doesn’t feel like it’s possible to do it at an 8:10 pace.  But I’m trying to trust in the training and I’m trying trust myself and I’m also trying to trust in the fact that this isn’t everything. Hopefully what I’ve done is enough and more than what I did last year and it will be a success. But if it’s not I have to remember that none of this defiance me and if anything defines me it is the training that I did and the work that I did.

It all does come down to one race but this is also a matter of days and minutes and miles and disc comfort and happiness and sadness that matter more than the one race. Hopefully you can all come together and I will be celebrating a BQ because I think that I’ve done what I needed to do but again you never know.  And with in the spaces of never knowing are all the doubts and the fears but sometimes you have to just push through and hope for the best. For the next few days I’m going to hope for the best and when I’m at the starting line when I continue to hope for the best and while I log those miles and see the minutes add up I’m going to hope.

 And if it doesn’t work out I’m going to try to remember how much I do love running and how far I have come and how far I could potential he go if I ever decide to do this again.

Stranger Things are Happening

So here I am gearing up for my last long run tomorrow. I’ve seem to have turned a corner at least mentally and have been able to remain fairly focused this last couple of weeks. I’ve gone into line runs including a 20 miler which I did around the city of Worcester for the first time.  Physically I feel pretty good. I was having some pain in my quad/periformis/butt  which never seem to develop into anything much worth *knock on wood*  until yesterday, which I’ll explain, I feel pretty prepared and able to do the marathon aiming towards probably staying with the 3:35 crew and hoping that I could hold on and beat the 3:40 by enough time.  I know a lot still depended on the weather of the day how I felt and other things that are in my control and yet out of my control but I feel like I put in the mileage this time. I was/am running about 10 to 15 more miles per week and I did previously which I hope will literally carry me through.

 Now you will notice that I said I felt prepared up until yesterday And the reason for that caveat is because they just change the Boston qualifying time to make them five minutes faster. What that means is now I have to run at 3:35 where is before you never know. There may have been some leeway. Of course this year everyone had to beat it by 4:52 so not much leeway. What that means is in reality I probably had to run to 3:35 but mentally I didn’t have to focus on that. Now I must do that or else I don’t even have a chance. That means beating my last marathon by 10 minutes. Actually more than 10 minutes. To me although I train for it now it seems like a lot and a giant hurdle.

I suppose the one nice thing about this is that discretion is now gone. I thought to put myself in the pocket with the 335 people but now that’s where I have to be. I’m going to have to work to keep that pace and I have that finishing touch and if it’s not going to happen that’s the end of it. Before if it wasn’t going to happen either 335 I feel like I’m mentally would have dropped back a bit and hope that maybe this year is the year that the qualifying times are a little bit slower than that what they used to be. But now that is not the case. So I suppose in some ways it is a good thing. It tells me what I have to do. Which is to work and remember that I put in the time and the energy and the focus and hope that this time it is enough. And if it isn’t, then it isn’t, and that is what it is.

 Despite the various up and downs I’ve seem to possess this summer in particular I do feel like I’ve put in about the maximum I can put into this right now. Of course I could have done better with the cross training and probably better with this be workouts and hitting the mileage but there is a part of me that wonders if I really could. This year I attacked the Marathon knowing I needed to put in more time and I have. I hope that it is enough but I am not sure and the uncertainty is what causes me the anxiety and the frustration at this change in the times however there is nothing I can do for it and it is too late to change any of my game plan and I just have to put my head down focus and keep steady.

I Keep Ticking On

So where have I been and what have I been doing?

Well.

Running.

And feeling sorry for myself.

I couldn't get myself to write anything because I had nothing really to tell that hadn't been covered in my prior post which was mostly suck it up and omg I want to stop.

Here's how the last over a month has gone with running: it's hot, I have to adjust my schedule, I putz through a run, I think about quitting and how that isn't so bad, I have an okay run and the weather breaks, I think about how I can do this. Rinse. Repeat. The speed work outs have been the hardest and I had one where I truly almost passed out which was a bit of a wake up call about working in this weather.

I talked to some of my friends about my state of mind about this and how I was considering not running the marathon and how much this summer dragged me down. They mostly commiserated with the heat part of my woes and didn't offer much to my I want to quit. I mentally knew the issue was around feeling beat up and tired which happens during training and happens at a particular time, but it is so hard to shake that off. When every run has a moment of dread, or worse, you expect it to have one, it's hard to keep up the motivation.

That being said, I now find myself facing my first 20 miler this weekend and am coming off a pretty solid two weeks. I hit both my speed workouts these past two weeks, making up for the above-mentioned almost passed out run with tackling it again and hitting the splits for the most part. I certainly did NOT almost pass out. I've had two long run (15.5 and 17.5) back on the rail trail that went well. Like so many other things in life, this was all about cycles and pity and overcoming. I have four more week of real work (three 20 and 20 plus with one dial back) and then it is the taper and then it is the race. I feel like maybe I've put the worst of the negative behind me and can focus on the finish line (pun most certainly intended).

Now, I need to focus a bit on my race and get myself into that mind frame: how do I want to run this? Do I just go with the 3:35 pacer and hope for the best? DO I try what I did last year and run how I feel and hope for the best? Much to consider and it's time to start and focus on getting back to eating good (I already do, but more focus before the long runs isn't a bad thing) and pushing through this last chuck. I can rest* after October 22nd for as long as I like but for now I need to get my head out of my you know what and get this done.

*May you rest, may you catch your breath.

May the Best of Your Todays*

I often think of posts I want to do and then don’t get around to doing it for a week or so. Often times that means the nature of my thoughts has changed because, as many know, one day you have a great run and one day a terrible one and your mood or focus can be directly affected by that. But for about a week I’ve been thinking of the line: “may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows” and how that related so well to running in my mind.

I did a speed workout last Monday which was my first go around with Yassos this Marathon training block. It wasn’t the best speed I’ve done but I really hunkered down into it (after work) and focused on getting it done. I got it done, hit most of the splits, and didn’t feel terrible although it was hard work. And it cues in that song lyric which, I hope, everyday that I work hard gets me better so that however good I do something today, tomorrow will be an improvement. Even if it’s not, maybe at least having that focus will help me *think* it will be that way.

A Melody Played

I’ve been a little quiet although not mentally about this training. I was thinking along the same lines of the previous blog posts for a while and decided that nothing really clicked post wise fornrunning that I hadn’t already covered a lot and would probably cover a lot more. But then I did have a couple of good days including a pretty good speed workout that I was, for some reason, very anxious about beforehand (so much that the night before I had thought to do it in the AM I slept like garbage). I think that stems from both time management (before work) and heat management (after work). But the week worked out and I found myself having some of those peaceful moments when I ran even if it was a hard run for some reason.

I think that is part of the oxymoron part of running: to do it and do it welltakes work and discomfort. But if all you have is the discomfort there is no peace. It is about trying to find that peace and calm even amongst the pain, work and doubts. So, I found that I had some of those moments and they made me happy and helped with my focus and the long term goals that I still have which seem both so far away and so close.

*To a melody played
on the strings of our souls.
And a rhythm that rattled
us down to the bone.

I Got No Rhythm*

I’ve been finding that ups and downs seem to be happening a lot recently. When I first thought of this post I was going to celebrate the fact that last week I did an early, before work, run or workout EVERYDAY as I had wanted to. It was a tiring but great accomplishment for me. I felt like I’d stuck to a different type of goal and succeed even when, on Friday, I was convincing myself I could do it after work. But I didn’t and entered my long run and new week looking towards keeping the train rolling. Long run also went well. It was cooler than last week and felt all together put together.

And then Monday’s Farley came around...

Even with the success of last week I realized doing a speed workout in the am May end up with me too early (I do OT at 5am already and not sure I want to do a 4:15 twice) so I decided Monday and Tuesdays (because of run club) I’d do workouts after work and have PT be my midweek shift to the am. So I went for my run and it was totally ugh. I had to cut one 5 minutes short and felt bloated and crappy kind of the whole time. The tail wind helped on the way back but the frustration had already welled. I was annoyed and disappointed in myself and I hate feeling like that.

I’m trying to learn how to be forgiving with bad runs or runs that don’t meet my expectations but it’s not easy. I went through this recently which resulted in a change and that was good. This time I don’t want to change something because I don’t feel that ovrewhelming issue I did before, but I also don’t want to feel that failure again. Some of it has to do with diet, some of it has to do with body issues (being a girl, ugh) and some of it just is what it is. It’s a matter of perspective and forgiveness which I’ll have to keep in mind as this long summer goes on.

Especially because at the end of this I may need to offer myself the biggest forgiveness if I don’t BQ.

*Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I'm OK, I'm alright
I ain't gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
One day I'm gonna be free, Lord!

Who Can Say

There’s gonna come a day when you feel better
You’ll rise up free and easy on that day
And float from branch to branch
Lighter than the air
Just when that day is coming, who can say?
Who can say?

Here’s the deal. There have been a lot of busy days recently. Work has been the usual cluster, which I am used to but it doesn’t make the day any easier. And then my husband and I moved which was no less than two week process and still is happening.  Plus the run plan that I’ve been following seem to go on steroids two weeks ago and had me jump up to 36 miles per week whereas before the half I was at about 20.

Needless to say I feel like I was dragging and I had a run in our new neighborhood where I was supposed to do 10 miles of speed and about a mile into it I just couldn’t do it. And it was different from some of the other times where I had hesitation or lack luster feelings about a run. This was a feeling of I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, I’m not going to do this and I even felt myself get a little bit choked up and teary-eyed.  I managed to sort of pull off a 6 mile faster than normal run but I knew that I had to make a change.  I knew that I was going to find myself in a position of failing  becoming very frustrated at myself.

And so I regrouped. I had the run-in plan re-calculate what I needed to do and I find myself at a 20 or 24 mile week which is manageable. I’ve set up the house a little bit and had a weekend of focus on that. I’m still working to potentially change my workout in the morning so that I have more time in the evening to simply relax and enjoy instead of always moving. I’m also hoping to get to bed earlier and with the addition of a new bed sleep better.   Most of all though I am just trying to remain positive and not to consider this bump in the road, which wasn’t that big of a bump or lomg of a bump but still a bump, simply something that happens at times.

That’s the thing about running. You can have bad runs and you can have skipped runs but it’s dtill there when you’re ready.  This weekend I had a nice eight mile longer run as well as a random Trail 5K and they both went well and they both made me feel fine about running and fine about where I’m at. Sometimes it takes a little bit of break down , such as it was, to make you recognize and refocus your attitude.  Hoping that this minor hiccup I had (mostly mental if not all mental) will prove to make me stronger and more focused on being healthy and happy and fulfilled with running.

Get Where I’m Going*

A week later and race update.

The Steelrail Half turned out better than I expected. Going into it I was exceptionally worried about my hip. It had been feeling better, but had hurt and seemed weak so much beforehand I wondered if racing was going to be a bad idea and lead to more injury and the possibility that my year would take a wrong turn from what I had hoped it to be. But I was, being super stubborn especially with injuries, sort of refused to drop out before the race and figure, worse case, I would drop out during if the hip really got worse.

I was also going to be going with a running store friend who, although he expected me to beat him, I expected to be left by him. Time wise I wanted to try and beat my Run the Border time, but hadn’t given much as to by how much because I was still happy with that time. If anything my plan was to try and get below 8 minutes a mile and actually run a 1:44:49.

So the weather turned out better than expected although it was more humid then I thought it would be. I had a worry about that two miles into the race, while I was with my friend and we were doing about a 7:50 because I felt like my heart rate was a bit too high and my mouth a bit too dry. That gave me worry about the next 11 miles. At this stage my friend left and I focused.

I have to say I don’t remember much of the race although I recall noticing I was keeping my splits low and once in a while I stepped a little wrong and my hip twinged. I thought about the count down of miles and about racing and being chased. I thought about the numbers and where I may end up and then, around mile 7 I saw my friend and I thought about closing the gap.

At mile 10 I reached him. He was having a harder time although was pretty chatty so I think his stomach issues slowed him down but nothing else. However, I caught him and happily and tiredly said, three more miles. And so we ran. He tried to engage me a few times, but I was not in a place to chat but he did keep me at pace. Those last 2.5 miles were HARD and he kept my splits going even if he didn’t know it and, I think, felt I was slowing down to stay with him. Finally I did pull away, not a purpose and maybe more he dropped back but I finished in 1:43:44. At the end I chased down another lady runner and, while approaching the finish line, I knew there was someone Right There based on the cheering and announcing so I pushed to hold her off. Turns out it wasn’t her but another runner who I held off.

Needless to say, I was super excited. Another PR? This is super crazy. Although with another PR comes the question: what’s next?

Obviously Batstate but what else can I do with a half? Can I do a 1:40? Could I do faster? I may put a pin in those questions as I focus on Baystate. My training plan is suddenly picking itself up in a huge way. This past week was my recovery and next week? Well I’m up to 36 miles already.

WHAT?!?!

I suppose if I want to hit the time I need and that my plan says I can, I need to work. That is part of what I wondered about last year. I put in enoug time, but was it really Enough? This time around I may see. I also managed to work in an Orangetheory AND not have my hip hate me again so I feel like I may be back from whatever I did to my hip.

All in all, I’m excited. I want to work hard and I want to BQ. I may have finally hit my stride (yes pun so fully intended) and maybe this year can end how it began: with a win.

* Imma gonna get where I’m going on my own two feet

Drink the Wild Air*

Here is one of the things I like most about running: you can dread a run or a workout with every ounce of your being. Think “omg this is the LAST thing I want to do and it will be terrible”. You can have doubts and fears about the undertaking you have in front of you, but you still put on those shoes, take a deep breath and GO.

And sometimes those runs or workouts turn out to be just perfect. It may not be the best undertaking, but it was good in its own way. Maybe it made you realize that this is a mind over matter game most days but sometimes your body will do it’s own thing to. Maybe you realize how just lovely the day is and how lucky you are to be able to run and worry about a bad one. Or maybe it just is that you realize some part of you would be incomplete without the un.

My last long run before the Steel Rail half I dreaded. I drank too much before (whoops!) and woke up sluggish. I didn’t want to “drag myself” through a 10-11 mile run. I wanted to do nothing. But I had a task before me and figured I could suck up an hour and a half to just get it down. And so I went out and, guess what... everything was just fine and it was one of those runs where I thought “well damn, this is fun and amazing and I’m lucky.”

*Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air.

Second Things Second*

This is going to be a slightly different post and not sure why. I think I’m just a bit tired of people commenting one two things: the first is how I look and the second is how to running.

The first is that I have a fairly runner-like body. Not quite the same as someone who runs distance professionally (years of skating and hurdling will never allow my legs to tiny like theirs) but I’m petite I suppose. And that is both built on luck (metabolism and genetics) and work. When people talk about stuff like being in shape who are not built like me, they tend to always infer that I don’t know what it’s like to work at looking like I do. Perhaps, if I “gave up” I wouldn’t ever find myself obese, but I certainly would gain weight and not run what I run. But people don’t seem to understand that or how much work I put into my fitness. I find it frustrating because it’s not something I can really complain about be it truly in sort of a firstworldproblem but it’s still something that bothers me. I work hard and I take pride in my hard work and what it results in.

And the second sort of ties into the first. The same people who tend to say that I don’t understand a daily food and workout battle are also telling me how to run, how to eat, what exercises they do and why what I do isn’t necessary the best,  I usually stare at them and give them my blinkblink look. Here’s the deal: everyone is different and what works for one may not work for the other person. But what works for me is working for me thankyouverymuch so please don’t offer unsolicited advice unless I ask or am paying you.

So where I usually try to keep this blog focused on my running and the good, hard, etc side of that, I’ve been in a fairly Bad Mood Base for a bit and felt like a rant.

In other news though, I did SIGN UP FOR BAYSTATE 2018. bring in Boston 2020.

*Don’t you tell me what you think that I could be

Just a Young Gun*

And we’re off to our first speed work out week which included doing a tempo or threshold AND speed. Some part of me wonders if I’m too old for this. I have been trying to do a week where I run four days instead of the three so that when Marathon Time rolls around I’m used to that. I hope that I don’t wear myself out, but like with a race, sometimes you just have to push and hope (and of course, be safe and careful). I also worked 6 days including the Expo which...ooof. Definitely too old for THAT. I do like that know I can tell people I ran a marathon there, though, and feel like I belong in that crew and, in some selfish ways, maybe belong more than some (sorry, super rude).

So anyway... my threshold with run club went well. I did three miles at 7:59; 7:40 and 7:22 with a goal of hitting around 7:45 (the 7:59 I was still with a friend so it would have been awkward to just take off although I did pick up the pace at the mile bell). And I also did the first speed workout which was 12x200 aiming for 49 seconds or a 6:30 pace. It wasn’t as hard as I feared, although still hard. I hit them (assuming my attempts at hitting 200 meters with my Garmin was close to right) in:

6:08
6:19
6:16
6:34
6:24
6:24
6:22
6:32
5:58 (this one had a watch bumble I think)
6:10
5:55
6:05

So, that’s pretty on if not faster. I’ve a,ways been fairly able to hit splits on sprints but I hope with this and the threshold and tempos, the combo will work. We shall see. All I know is that I think I need to stretch better and watch my work shoes some. My body can handle this, but I need to be smart about pushing it and the wear and tear especially as I want to work Orangetheory into this as well.

* I think this should be a question and not a statement

I’m the One at the Sail

Exciting time, this 2018 of running. After a PR in both of the 5Ks to start the year, I did a PR in my half marathon just this past Sunday!

I went into the Run the Border race hoping that I would be able to pull off a personal best. My goal has been to run a 1:45 which was a New Year’s resolution and about an eight minute mile pace. Over the last year or year and a half that has seem feasible if I just sort of sucked up and ran a half with that expectation.

To me, the issue with running a 1:45 half is that it would probably be uncomfortable and I thought there would be the good possibility of totally failing halfway in and slowing myself beyond what I’ve run in the past.  I knew that some part of me needed to be okay with the idea of falling apart in a race but that’s a hard thing to embrace. So with this race I thought why not give it ago although even mentally italic myself to maybe just an 8:15 pace using excuses like being sick and training in my head (blah blah blah).

 Lining up for the race it turned out to be a pretty good tailwind and because it was just down the border that tail one would be with us a majority of the time. It was colder than I expected but certainly not something beyond what I’ve rin and even this winter. So I least up got myself prepared and went out.

And lo and behold:

1:45:02!!

The tailwind definitely helped  propel my race to this time; however I will say that even though it was uncomfortable and I definitely had moments of wanting to stop it was not something that was insurmountable. It was something that I even upon finishing thought “I could maybe go faster”.That’s a pretty cool place to leave a new personal record especially going into my second attempt at a BQ.

In the end I got third in my age group and beat my best half marathon pace by four minutes or thereabouts. It was a pretty cool race and I like how I felt (not necessarily during it but after) and the thought that I could do better. It will/would take more work and focus but not something that seems entirely insane

Windows Rolled Down

It’s a new day and I’m waiting for my breakfast to digest before heading out for a 10 miler. I’m trying something new which is having an English muffin, some peanut butter, and a dab of jelly in lieu of my normal bar. Calories wise it’s about the same, but mass wise it’s more so I’m curious how this will go.

I also still have my head or chest or whatever cold which is seeming to not be better or worse. Just IS and it’s annoying. I’m hoping to hold back on the pace, not that I flew last week, but probably looking closer to 8:45 or 9:00 isn’t a bad thing right now.

Lay Me Down in a Bed of Roses

After a week vacation in which I was active, although only did one (island!) 5K, I am now finding myself off the street going on day two. It sucks and is one of the first times in a while that I remember taking time off because I felt sick (and not injured). I’m pretty sure I couldn’t run well even if I wanted so it’s relatively moot but it’s still weird. And I feel super lazy (and headachy). I’m just trying to keep in mind the fact that some off days doesn’t mean everything goes to crap. I have Easterns States on March 25th which may now be a tad off, it there’s always th next one and, maybe this one isn’t a lost cause just yet.

In other news: Baystate opens up today... let’s see when I make this commitment..

Dancing in the Dark

Sometimes I have to remember that unexpected off days (not entirely days off because those are different and can be avoided) will happen. Today we had snow/sleet/rain such that going on a run outside or at the gym was pretty much a no go. I bet I could have tried the gym but there is something to be said about being smart and not risking a Very Steep Hill for a 4 miler inside. So I took to SWORKIT and did about a 20 minute workout and am working on being okay with that. This one non-planned day is okay. And truthfully I could have fixed it with trying the hill or, more reasonably but not entirely, going in the early morning. But sometimes inaction is okay and won’t me much in the long run (pun only kind of intended).

I’ll Bring Thunder

Running without a plan can be difficult. I think that’s true for most people and I find myself generally wandering, trying to keep up miles, but not sure in what way. Is there are reason to strength train? Sure. Always. But it’s harder to motivate yourself if there isn’t a reason right there that you can cross off a day of work done and look at what’s next.

That being said, I’m doing okay this winter. I had a very exciting and successful go at frisbee in LA. I brought back so many warm memories and desires. I reminded me of who I once was and offered me a look at who I could be once again. Frisbee was Me for a very long time. I was (am?) good st it fairly naturally although with the younger players starting so much sooner if I began now it may have been different. But for when I played, I was good and brought talent to a team. With my two ACL replacements, five years apart, how I played changed and eventually stopped. There is a part of me that will always wonder what if and a part of me that will always be a little incompleteness at having that torn (yes pun intended) away from me without my consent. But stuff happens and you move on. Having played this beach tournament and been fairly competent on our team (I did get almost all the spirit awards/player awards) after not touching a frisbee for a year reminded me that maybe I could do this again.

But then I think and remember. The pain. The recovery. The loss of freedom. The lingering issues I still have and know that it’s never going to be the same and who knows what could happen. So I try to take that fire I had on a beach in LA that was born of so many other games, throws, victories and losses and bring it to my running. 

This may be who I am now. I will not be as good of a runner as I was a frisbee player but I can be good at this to my liking. I can win some things and I can win things for myself. I am finding satisfaction in this and trying to find more. It is lonelier than frisbee but there is a community and there is support. So, as winter drags and I wonder about motivation and what’s next, I try to think that EVERYTHING is next and that is something to work towards.

And if, once or twice a year, I get to play a game of frisbee and remember my youth and my love of that sport and be reminded who I was at a time and who I still am, that’s still something.  

Top of the World

And now we enter a new year and, with it, new goals. In closing out last year, I managed to hit many of my goals which is rewarding. The first was obviously running a marathon, even if I didn’t BQ. At times I get such a warm feeling knowing that I did that and that I am a marathoner. It was a lot of work, but there is a lot of joy that came from it.

The new goal, as quickly posted, was running over a thousand miles (I ended at 1039.9 - how much do I wish that was 1040 now...). This is something I’ve had wanted to do in the past, but injuries always held me back. It’s not surprising I managed to do it this year and, one goal for 2018, is to do it again.

And my last goal that wasn’t a goal until I thought about it was placing in races. Post-marathon I realized I could probably do well at a local 5 miler and I did. Then the husband and I signed up for a 5K shindig at my parent’s house and I realized I could probably do well there... and I did! First in my age group (2nd overall for females) in the last race of 2017! It was such a rush and I really enjoyed the 5K race. It was a fun mental game of when do I push, when do I breathe, when do I follow and when do I pass. It hurt but because you can think the whole time I found I really liked it. I don’t think the 5K will be a race I focus on but I like the idea of adding a few small ones in. I will add my first race of 2018 was 12:10 had my finish second overall for the females (no age groups) and I lost to someone I beat in the prior race. It was a good run and I needed to try a move sooner, but now I know and liked the mental and physical thought process I took from in.

So, in 2018 here are some of my running related goals:
Run Baystate again and BQ
1:45 or under half marathon. I think I can go faster but I’ll start with this time.
Focus on leg strength and agility at least one a week to improve flexibility and strength.
Try a local race (besides my turkey trot) and look for a place in age group.
Run 1,000 miles plus.
And enjoy! Keep having running be that thing you love that is an identity and a positive impact on your life.