Hard Days

This is one of those harder days. I don’t feel like I need to sit down and burst into tears*, but there is a silent sadness that is following me. 

This would’ve been a day where the pup and I would have slowly woken up in the morning. Just the two of us. Potentially he would have been in the bed and we would’ve had some morning pets and the ability to hang out and just be the two of us. There would’ve been food, and attempt to go outside multiple times, and just a slow existence between us. I would’ve been in my chair, reading and scrolling the Internet. He would’ve been in his bed probably asleep or snuggling under blankets looking outside. He would wake and smell for me and then rest again.  Perhaps he would’ve barked at Mr. Brooks who I saw earlier in the day. And we would’ve been around each other‘s orbit all day. Just the two of us hanging out. 

I probably would have gone for a run, but likely I would have stayed inside because I wouldn’t want to venture too far. The reason for not wanting to venture too far would’ve been twofold. One, I was very cognizant of trying to spend our time together, but I also didn’t want to come back to messes. I probably would’ve stepped out and run some errands, came home and cleaned up after him, been a little bit frustrated about that perhaps let him know that perhaps I wouldn’t have. It just would have been a day that we were together in our little family that we formed over the years just the two of us, even when there were three of us. 

Today is a hard day because life is going on and it’s going on in a different way. I am going to step out and go to a gym that I just joined because I’m able to join it now. I’m going to be gone for probably a couple hours and there will be no one to come home too. There will be no messes. But there will also be no tail wag and there will be no Joy at seeing me. I truly miss the little guy, even while my life in some ways is easier. Easier doesn’t mean that it is better and I also really miss the way things used to be. 

Today is a sad day.

*I had my hard cry in the car. The kind that makes you hurt in a physical way. And nothing changed. 

A Little Lost

​After the half and news of our pup, I went into focused mood for him. We didn’t know how much time we had with him and I was off running so it was easy. Or easier. Nothing about it or him was easy. 

He was my little guy. A life form I took care of for over 10 years. The Best Guy. And he was sick and him already short time with us was going to be shorter.

So we cared for him like always but with some more sadness but still hope and love. But then the day came and he collapsed and the short time we had was cut so very short. We said goodbye on a Tuesday and, from there out, nothing would be the same. 

We’ve gotten better over the weeks. It’s less sad, but still empty. He was such a joy even when he was frustrating that, to lose that, lessens our light or at least mine. Everything is just sort of sad in me. 

There’s also a little bit of relief too which is also sad. I never wanted to think of the burden side of him but, without him, there’s just less. Less of everything. 

So all of this to say, there’s not much running these days but maybe soon. Life does go on and, even if I miss him everyday day, that fact won’t change. 

And Just Like That

Last Sunday, we ran our half and, with that, my 2025 season I'm calling officially over. I may put in a Turkey Trot, but not sure as my hip (see below) is still being a problem.

But the half went, overall, at or better than expected. First off, my husband won which is fantastic. It  perhaps wasn't the fastest pool of runners, but still neat that he can do that. I went into the half hopping that, perhaps, I could hold something like a 1:42-1:43 but thinking a 1:45 was more than likely. My coach always seemed on that same page and did not give me any false hope. I ended up running a 1:44:49 so made it under the 1:45 just barely. I actually felt pretty good during the race and the course was harder than I anticipated so holding onto that felt overall good.

This year of training has not been easy. It had some real highlights, I think back to my 20 mile long with with 3 miles at MP and how awesome that felt. But it had more downs overall and I feel like I just kept fighting this year without, in the end, much reward. I also feel like that fight is just gone right now so I'm a little lost as to what I want to do next or how to approach it. I know we're in a life rough patch right now so it's hard to see what might be on the other side of this, but I'm trying.

My goal for the rest of the year is to figure out what's going on with this hip and then to slowly build back in December. I am not sure how much running there will be in November, but I'm not saying none just yet. And then I hope that I'll enter 2026 feeling better and more motivated. There are a lot of changes that are just outside of reach but will be here before I know it so I don't know how all of that will shake itself out on my running journey.

I guess what I am is to find some ease in my life and, while the running is hard, I don't want the other aspects to feel that way. I've been promised it will be different so I'm hoping that's correct. 

For now though, I think I just rest a bit.

Same Old Song and Dance

I feel like this block is just the same old song and dance with me. I fall short of my weekly running goals, my speed isn't there and my leg/hip is sore. Nothing is so bad that I can't keep going on, but I kind or sort of want someone to tell me to stop. Not because it makes sense but because I have to. Such an immature approach but here we are. I am, in fact, not 100% sure what I'm fighting for for this half, but here we are.

I wasn't able to do what my Coach told me for a workout this week as I was stuck, mostly by choice but some by the situation, on the treadmill. So on Saturday I just had this need to run faster. I sort of aimed for the Michigan she had planned, but then pivoted into something resembling a tempo. In which I was barely able to hold under 8 minutes a mile... 

There was another female running who passed me, probably clocking about 7:40s and I said okay latched on to her. I didn't make any distance on her, but I kept her the same until I just... couldn't. And, again, this was at like a 7:45 (yes, slightly uphill but not that much uphill). I try not to judge this block by another block or get to stuck on the numbers but ugh. 

I did a long run today which wasn't great. I got it done, but it was flat and a slog. I am starting to wonder if there's some nutrition component to all of this finally catching up so I am going to try and focus on that as I figure out the physical through PT. Ideally, I'll be on the other side of this in time to want to hit a marathon block out of the park.

Maybe We Got Lost in Translation

I both have nothing and a lot to say, but I am finding the lot to say getting trapped inside. I am consistently on the edge of wanting to try for more this training cycle (this life cycle) but then am also consistently finding myself tired and stuck. I am tired of being tired off and on and, wonder a bit, if there's something more to that tired (probably not but I have also consistently tried to find excuses this cycle).

I am back to normal mileage for a bit, but I am still falling short of hitting all the goals. My hip still hurts (and the leg) but I have started PT. Apparently it is my sciatica acting up again so hopefully it can correct itself as it did before. I am not hitting hard work outs and at some point I wonder when "it's been a stressful time" becomes "it just isn't this build". 

I am also tired of having a few bad days because of some less than ideal food or drink decisions. I know that's getting older and I also know some of the decisions I knew would mean bad runs, but man... it's frustrating to have to choose and, whenI choose the fun, how annoyed I am later.

Today's long run was tough physically and mentally. I got in 11 miles which is great, a little less than prescribed, but nothing too big. But my stomach rioted the last two miles and is still letting me know eggplant parm and two cocktails is not a good idea. Which I know, but I also like to pretend "this time it'll be different."

I guess the whole point of this post is just to say I don't know. I don't really know how I feel about running right now and I want to shake that off. I think I need to find a new North Star and, for now, I am trying to focus on the healing of the leg and back in hopes that will be about some peace.

Maybe I asked for too much.

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

Til you tore it all up.

Heartbreak

Watching the YouTube documentary of Clayton while on the treadmill was such a reminder of how much this sport can both make you feel complete and broken almost at the same time. Seeing and hearing his disappointment after all his hard work, on a day that still was good, some would say great, but short of what he wanted, perhaps what he expected, and what he worked for, was something so familiar and relatable. You can want it so much, but wanting doesn’t make it so. You can work hard and still not achieve your goal. 

And it can break you and your heart. 

But there’s something beautiful about that too and about them showing up again. To keep picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and just trying again is something so special. 

Eventually you hope it pays off, but maybe that’s not the real end goal. 

And maybe as you grow and learn you start to realize the failures aren’t really that. 

I Saw the Sign

I’m not someone who tends to give up that easily. Although as I get older, I’m also not someone who tends to fight through like I did. Overall, I guess I would say I am tenacious, but only to a certain degree. 

I've found that since the marathon in May, it’s been more and more difficult to get that drive for running up and, well, running. I’ve had these moments where it’s been something that I found a little bit of a spark, but that spark tends to go out with relative ease. I think some of that is just dealing with the discomfort that I’ve had in my right leg/hip area which tends to make running not that enjoyable. Some it is the leftover stress/angst/whatever else with the marathon training block and my home life. 

And the there have been these little pushes from life that seem to be telling me to just step it back. 

The icing on the cake was the fact that a literal tornado went by our house. 

We are all fine, we weren’t even here, and it could be so much worse. There is a lot of cleanup and there are a lot of phone calls, but we will all get taken care of, and ideally, will be taken care of without much financial loss on our part. 

But already only four (now seven when I'm posting this) days into this endeavor only get three (now six) miles in. 

I think, to be totally one of those people, but the universe is trying to give me a sign. 

I’m not going to stop running. I’m not gonna give up running, but maybe this season of the half is shaping up a little bit differently than ones in the past. I think the biggest thing of all is that I feel okay about that which maybe speaks more than whatever that tornado noise was that day.    

Was It Something That I Said

The running has just sort of been. Nothing flashy, nothing great, but that's also okay. I'm still working on my right leg and managed a massage and hoping to start physical therapy October 1st. Basically, I just feel like it's gotten to a point where I'm not entirely able to manage it on my own, both time and knowledge wise so off to the professionals I go.

I took a step back from speed work but did jump back into this weekend. I actually really found I enjoyed the break from the harder work but then that lended itself to a concern about then doing the speed work again because I knew it would be hard. I don't like setting myself up for failure or frustration and, no matter how often I try to tell myself that it's okay and the run is what the run is, I still feel that frustration come to the surface. Sometimes, I think, it's better to not try.

But then I think how lame is that and get out of my own way.

On Saturday I was scheduled for a six mile tempo which I knew sounded like too big of a bite and it was. I did manage four, but the first two were a real struggle especially on the rail trail I chose. The second two, downhill, felt good so at least I was able to keep myself together. I don't know what paces I'm really aiming for this fall so I'm just kind of tinkering and will see where I'm at and how I feel as the half gets closer.

I am hanging on fairly well with the long runs and did 10.5 with a friend on Sunday. Today my back is pretty tight in one area which is annoying but I'm hopeful I can get that sorted as the day goes on. All in all, I guess I'm just sort of in my float along stage of this training block. I still would love to full send a half, but I think, for me, when I invest a lot into a full marathon I find it harder to bounce back to a half.

I also am not very good with summer running so that tends to bog me down. With the cooler temps on their way, I'm finding a little pep and a tiny more motivation to get out there and keep at it. I have also, as is my MO, bought a couple pre-race items that I am going to try and do my best to use before I hit the road or trail. I'm trying to be more cognizant of the fact that I am only getting older and my little body needs more TLC.

Keys that jingle in your pocket.
Words that jangle in your head.
Why did summer go so quickly?
What it something that I said?

If This Isn't Nice, I Don't Know What Is

I've been in a bit of a running rut. Perhaps it is summer, but I've also had my hip/back pain that I had about two years ago come back. In general, it doen't stop me from running but it does cause some discomfort or pain so takes some of the joy away. Between that and the humidity and work I just wasn't feeling running.

I am, however, taking steps to get out of this funk. I had a deep tissue massage yesterday and I have a doctor appointment tomorrow for, hopefully, a PT referral. I've kept up with easy runs and am just sort of staying consisent.

I will say, though, Saturday and Sunday I had two just Good Runs. Saturday was one that felt awesome and I appreciated what I was doing, what I was seeing and experiencing. It was just pleasant and peaceful. And then today's long run wasn't a struggle bus that they have been. I felt smooth and consisent. It was nice to have two semi-effortless runs. It's a good reminder that nothing is ever as bad as you may think and, truly, often is much better.

“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, 'If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.”

It's Me, Hi

These past two weeks have no been the best in terms of my training. I've had a hard time finding motivation, which I posted about already and it continued into this week. This week I also had some GI distress 1.5 miles into a run which had me quickly coming back home and only getting in three. The unease carried through to the next day which, I think, was maybe sort of a food poisoning but not entirely if that makes sense. I then got back into a small swing with 4 miles and Friday was going to be a tempo (7 miles) but... nope. 

I did get in four and planned for the 7 miles today. I woke up after a good sleep, got ready and just... didn't go. I had no desire to try to run, no drive, and I think there's a part of me that is tried of pushing through. 

I have to push through at my job for obvious reasons and, may times, that carries over into running, but not right now. I also know that I have time (although I won't forever) to get into the training so I think I just allow myself to give in to my lack of motivation.

I did get out and do 4 today with a friend which was nice. I ate too close to it for it to be entirely enjoyable, but there were some miles on the legs at least. I'm going to keep giving myself some grace here because, big picture, I don't want to burn myself out and I'd rather have this season be less than ideal to aim for something better in the spring.

*I'm the problem, it's me.

The Fine

This was a hard week for motivation. I pretty much stuck to the treadmill due to the heat and me being stuck in glasses. I think I just sort of zoned out this week and wanted it to be easy which running rarely is. But I stuck to some miles, some tv watching, a some grace. I didn’t get my 800 workout in as I just never felt it, but more importantly, didn’t feel the drive to push through the motivation issue. Coach did add in some speedy in today’s long run which went… okay. 

Luckily she prescribed MP and not HMP so I held it at 7:47, 7:53, 8:00 and 8:06. I did need to stop and regroup (aka have a small fit) so the paces are not reflective of the real time spent so not really a non-stop workout but I’ll take it. I was going to bail entirely on the speed but at least didn’t have *that* much of a fit.

Even though sometimes 
This is hard to tell,
And the fine is 
Just as frustrating as hell,
All will be well.

Will Turn to Gold

I had a local 5k race today and, I've got to say, it went very well. I always hope for something more and to be the person leading the race, but I've come to learn I don't quite have that pace but I can be successful in my own lane.

One of the big goals I've tried to focus on is holding on mentally when things get hard and not stepping off the gas. I've found that I am very capable at talking myself out of keeping on a goal when it gets a little hard and compromising and saying that's okay. This happened a lot during Bayshore when, at like mile 3-4 (or so it felt like, not entirely sure which one it was but was in the first half) when I said it's okay if it's not my day. I even talked to myself about how impressive my training block was with everything that I had to deal with personally and professionally. And, while that is true, that doesn't mean that I couldn't have pushed.

So I've tired to use these shorter races, where things going bad only go bad for so long, as a way to stay on top of my mental game. I've kept telling myself things that "you're okay", "you're not going to die", and "keep pushing" as well as played games of both race announcing in my head and tracking down runners. What I've found is that I've managed to keep on top of my goal for the day and not really let off the gas. 

Today I told myself to run and to hope for a PR (and to potentially break 21:00). I went out real hot, too hot, but I didn't panic. I saw that I was sub-7:00 and then just let off the gas, but kept my form. I chatted with someone quickly and then settled in. I knew there would be runners falling apart with how they started so I said be patient. I settled a little too much at one point and saw a 7:30-7:40 so I mentally shook myself out of that and picked up my form and my pace. I said just hold this and keep striding. I saw a woman I chatted with at the start with 1.5 to go who I could tell I was going faster then so I started my race dialogue and tried to pick it up or at least hold on.

I mostly held on to the pace which was an improvement from last year (knowing the rolling hills and the back half helped) and I didn't catch the woman, but I made up a lot of ground and only ended about 3 seconds behind her. I PRed this course by about a minute and felt strong the whole time. It was a nice result and gave me some hope for a next cycle.

I will say that I got some news which makes the idea of a winter training block seem like a potentially insurmountable task, but I can't get too far ahead of myself just yet.

And I Might Be Okay

I’m feeling pretty tired this week. Not sure if that’s work (probably), hormones (probably), bad sleep (probably), some running ailments (probably), or the training (probably), whatever the cause (all the above) I’m tired. So I kind of set myself up for a hard day heading to a rail trail that has an uphill start because I both wanted the challenge and the excuse. The workout was 3 miles at HMP (7:38) and my splits were 8:00, 7:52, and 7:36. The way out I just kept saying it’s only 1.5 of hard work before the turn and downhill. I also really wanted to stop and instead I just said hold on, you’re fine. It wasn’t the workout I wanted but it was a good character one.

It’s pretty early in this build too so I’m hoping to try this again or something like it in about a month and see how it goes.

I also took an hour nap and feel much better.

*But I’m Not Fine At All.

Another Product of Today

Technically, I guess we could say that the training block has begun for a fall half marathon. We haven’t decided on what race we’re going to do, but it’ll be likely early to mid November given some other activities the husband is doing. Even though I am in the very beginning of a training block, I’m not yet really keeping tabs on the week for blogging purposes. I’ll probably get to that at some point although with a half marathon I’m not entirely sure. I never want to take it for granted that I can do a half marathon, but I will say the training blocks are never quite as intimidating or as intense as they are for a marathon.

i’ve been having the same leg/glute/back issue that I had two years ago. Pretty sure it’s just a flareup of my spine as that was what it was when I had the CT scan done two years ago (“consistent with aging” 🙄). It’s not debilitating, but it is frustrating and makes the runs not pain-free, which is always a little mentally challenging. I really had a hard time this week lacing up because I knew it would hurt and I hate that (not that anyone likes it!). I’ve taken PT a little bit more seriously the past two days and I can tell a small improvement so it’s just a matter of trying to keep on top for my own sake.

This week I really didn’t want to run hills so did two treadmill runs including 3x1 at HMP. It actually went well, paces a little slower than prescribed but only 7:45 to 7:38 so I’m good with that. The long run today was roooooough but I got in the 8-plus I wanted so I won’t complain further.

Fought and Lost

I've slowly started to get back into the swing of more running and, as previously posted, I've had two good short races. But those don't remove the cloud that still hangs over Bayshore. The husband has also done some reflecting it seems and appears to understand how his lack of support didn't make the training cycle goes easily or, perhaps, as planned. I will say that I don't entirely place much blame on the outcome on that or on my work stress. Did those things help? Not in the least. If I didn't have them, would I have reached my goal? Meh, who's to say.

And really, the goal is just a number but having a very challenging training cycle, still showing up and being consistent, was really cool. Just not what I wanted.

But...

We wanted it so bad.
Gave it all we had.
Oh, but wanting it doesn't always make it yours.

So, just because I wanted it and I did work for it, doesn't mean I get it. It doesn't mean that it's a forgone conclusion. Therefore, the question becomes, do I try again?

I finally feel like that answer is yes. Not now or for the fall, but for the spring.

So, we will see you here.
Same time, same place, next year.
And you may win this battle but you'll never win the war.
Better to have fought and lost than never fought at all.

Plans may change as my my mind, but I feel a little bit of that fire starting. And who knows... maybe this time it'll be different.

Boom Boom Boom

The training is slowly ramping up as a fall half is on my radar for likely November. I did my first speed workout which was 8x1min with 1 minute rest. It went well enough and was done on the treadmill because of thunderstorms. I'm looking forward to some focus in the training.

I also had the Harvard 5 miler which was my 5th year doing it and a new one minute PR. I didn't really know what I wanted to do going into it although chasing a PR is always on my mind, but this course has a very tough up hill at mile 2.5. Like, I need to walk up hill. So I wrote to my coach saying that I didn't have a plan other than to just stay focus. And I did!

I kept thinking 1) you're okay and aren't dying and 2) do it for David Roche. Yes, you read that correctly.

David Roche is a running, author and podcaster who just attempted Western States and DNF. He had big goals for it and, on the most recent podcast, went though the feelings of that failure. Not on the same stage, but I've felt all those feelings and sought the redemption from those failures. I don't know why I decided that would be my focus, but it was.

I wanted to walk verrrry badly at one point on the hill, but just as my step slowed I said "no" and kept the soft pace up the hill. It ended up being my fastest time up that hill and I managed an under 7 minute last mile. It wasn't pretty (not sure how those photos will look...) but I did it. I tried to "go hunting" for a woman who I had in my sights for nearly 2 miles, but I never caught her. I did get caught on the last 400 meters by a yung gun flying by but that's okay.

I'e gotta say, I was not expected these two shorter races to go well, but they did. It's nice and exciting and makes the fall goal of breaking 1:40 seem possible.

Looking Straight

I’ve have a slow return to running post marathon with some tweaks with my Achilles and just some general tiredness and not sure what my plan is going forward. My mom also came into town (is still here) and that brings the running down which turns out.. might have been just what I needed.

As we wait to leave my house for the airport I can feel that rumble of wanting to finally get back out there and try. I feel like I’ve lost a fair bit of fitness and there’s a little fire starting in me saying “you’ve given yourself the time needed, let get back at this.”

We’ll see how it lasts especially with summer in full swing but that pull to the roads is welcomed.

There′s no starting over

No new beginnings, time races on.

And you've just gotta keep on keeping on.

Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road.

Can′t worry 'bout what′s behind you

Or what's coming for you, further up the road.

Unexpected Joy

Yesterday was the a local 5K that's been around for nine years of which I've done for seven years (twice virtual). It's a good race for a good cause and I greatly enjoy being able to support the foundation. The 5K route has changes little bits over the year, but the one constant is the last half mile or so to the finish which is up a drive way entrance to the parking lot of a ski lodge. It is toooough. 

The first 1.5 miles is all downhill, but it's not enough to make up for the little bit back up and then this hill. It is enough for you too run too fast and then die. I've done that (last year was the worst) and I also can hear and see others do the same. 

This year I didn't have an expectation going in and actually convinced myself I wouldn't race since the marathon was fairly recent and I've only been bopping along. But it's hard not to go when the stat happens so I did and I felt like I was mentally in a good spot. I started quick and then eased myself back for the remainder of the downhill knowing that, in years past when I've bombed a sub-seven minute mile I feel much more apart at the next 1.5 miles. I didn't look much at my watch (still in auto lap mode) and went by feel. When we took the turn to head back I said to myself "okay, now it when the hard work begins". I didn't shy away from it and aimed to embrace it.

I had a couple guys around me and latched on just passed mile two, trying to be pulled by them and then I realized I was the one pulling them which was fine so I just kept going. The driveway was brutal as always, but I jogged it and then regrouped at the top (passing two women on the way). The stomach was tense for a couple steps after the touch spot, but I got it back under control. There was no one to try and catch so I just ran.

Turns out I ran nearly a PR on this course and I won my age group. I had some tummy tumbles right at the end, but held it together. I was happy with this and it was a nice boost after Bayshore (which still wasn't BAD, but it wasn't what I wanted) so it was nice to have a victory this time. My husband got second overall, fun to seem him in the front pack at the turn around) and also won his age group. 

It was a good day.

And, even though it wasn't a PR technically, it was the first time I did the last mile in under eight minutes so that's pretty neat.

My achilles is very pissed at me so I need to try and address that. I'm hoping this little push may be some of the hump I need to get over and the dusting myself off. Ideally, I'll be able to manage this achilles things and start to bring in my, even optimistic, strength training in the mix. My mom comes into town this Wednesday so there will be a little less running which isn't a bad thing (not like I'm doing a ton, but you get what I mean).

Think of London and the Girl

There's not much to my workout/running these days. It's just some miles when I feel like it or what coach has put on the schedule. The plan is to do a fall half with a few shorter races sprinkled in. We're starting to get summer-like weather and, with that, comes the humidity. I always say I'm going to handle it better *this year* and always do it the same.

But THIS YEAR!

Meh, who knows, but it's always a goal.

One silly issue that gets in the way is these aligners because it makes a whole Thing of taking anything other than water. Luckily, I am closer to the end then the beginning so I don't hate the idea of being less strict with them, but I also don't want to have an issue or undo the work that I had done.

This week I logged 10.50 miles and they were all fine. Not much to write home about, but they didn't feel like a chore and nothing screamed at me so that's all good. I may see how morning runs fit in this go around, but, very much like managing the humidity, most of that is just wishful thinking.

But I Did Not Lose

Coming back into running is taking a bit this go around. Last year, I was riding the high of my race turnout and was ready to go! right away. The body needed time, and a hard Marcotte 5k definitely highlighted that, but I was instantly excited for the next thing.

The year before with Providence I was emotionally not ready but physically and mentally I needed to get going again to prove I was okay. I got out pretty quick and just kept going all the way into getting a coach.

This year I’m not sure where I’m at. There’s a bit of emotional whiplash from this block with home and work. It was a lot of work to get through this block and I feel like I’m still recovering. I feel like I’m needing the ability to say no to running but I also hate that. So I’m saying kinda to it.

Today’s run was the first since Bayshore were I felt a bit like my old self with some pep and not just awkward aches and things. It seems like running is waiting for me which is nice and I’ll get there soon.

Tomorrow is the Marcotte 5k which I’m pretty sure I’ll go to and just see what happens. But if I wake up and I feel like crap I won’t.

And I'll dream each night of some version of you.That I might not have, but I did not lose. Now you're tire tracks and one pair of shoes. And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do.

So Put Your Best Face on Everybody

I’m just out of Bayshore training and went back to the road for the first time. I certainly felt myself slipping in some life decisions in terms of food and beverages and non-exercising so getting the running shoes back on was a good idea.

The 3 miles were slow and a little awkward but not bad. It is Global Running Day so I sort of *had* to run.

I don’t yet know if I’m excited for a training block (I have time to get there) but I am happy to be working back into a routine.

At the End of the Day

I give myself some space to relax and, really, sort of fall apart or let go. 

One week. 

One week of eating mostly what I want, having drinks, little exercise. Just enough to relax and just start to feel bad enough that you want to get it back together. 

So today is the end. Tomorrow is back to the old me. Maybe not quite as dedicated as when in the middle of a training block, but back on a track. 

*there’s another day dawning

Bayshore Marathon - Part Two

Here's where I'm trying to actually see what I can breakdown from the race and the weekend to see where I can take measures to do better or even to just reflect.

The travel went well and I actually don't think it had any negative impact on my running. I expect it could if things went bad, but that's true of just about anything race week. If we travel again for a race, I think I'd like a slightly early landing time, maybe aim to be at the destination around 3-4pm, but we were still able to grab a reasonable dinner and have a good sleep.

The staying close by the day before was good and we were able to drive up with ease. Again, I don't think this part had anything bad and the expo was easy and quick. The drive was long, but not so long that you felt totally busted up by it. We figured out dinner plans which I would have liked for about an hour earlier, but I think the meal size and type was fine and that, although I'll take about food, wasn't the issue the next day.

The first issue I noticed was the place we stayed had a fridge that was at the entirely wrong volume for me. Some of this extreme focus is of course because of the race day stress, but that thing allowed me no rest. There was also my husband who clearly was agitated  and, although I feel asleep around 10pm when did some move or over-exaggerated sigh that woke me up and I truly never went back to sleep. Like Newport, I got about 3-4 hours of sleep but it was all the stress and sadness and anxiety that really hit me. I tried so hard and got so little. I know that has an impact, but I also know a bad sleep is somewhat expected.

For food in the AM I had bread, but no toasted. I have some PTSD from Providence which is when I had the same thing and I think the bread, either because it really does or mentally it does, sits too heavy. I managed to eat (and was somewhat hungry) but I never felt light afterwards.

Getting to the race was okay. There was some stress about parking, but it worked out and we paid to stay in a little pre-race spot which was great. I would definitely do that again and, if at other races, opt for it. It allowed for a stress free spot once we parked. Not ideal was my husband decided now was the time to share some crap about how he blamed me and was mad at me the night before for doing this. As if he is child. That actually hits me harder now than it did there. I also am more focused on it because I think I know when I woke up how that came to be so I'm frustrated. 

But we just hung out there, I awkwardly said hello to Dakota Popehna and then we were off.

I positioned myself by the 3:30 pacer, but I already could feel something off about the day, be it my motivation or my physical aspect of the race, I just wasn't confident in what I was about to do and holding it for 26.2 miles. I am not sure why that it. I think I worry so much about how far it is and what happens if (when) I reach a point and I not only can't hold my pace, I can't finish the race? It turns out, because I finished this race but not in the pace I wanted, perhaps I should just try and see because I am not sure how much of a fan I am of *this* feeling.

I am not great at retelling my race in terms of knowing exactly what happened and when. I know at around 5-7 miles I started to make the deal that it was okay if I didn't reach my goal and, because of out personalities, it was better if my husband made his. I began to say that it was okay because the block was good and hard and life was hard, so just getting here was enough. I started to give myself an out while not actually slowing down, but not pushing to get back on pace. I also convinced ,myself I had to pee and did at mile 11 so that was one of my 9 minute mile splits. I pulled out an 8:01 and 8:02 after that so, while I'm not sure if I had to stop, something mentally said I did and I lost sometime but I also made up some.

I crossed 13 at 1:47:41 which had me a little behind (although when I was running and doing racing math I thought I was still at a 3:35 pace - nope). I felt good then and thought just hold on and maybe you'll do something. Then around mile 16-17 I was having some tummy issues. There may have been a few before as I stopped taking salt tab, legit just spit one out with a solid, nope!, but around there I was running looking for a bathroom. I thought, for sure, I had to do a number two and was worried I was close to a real problem. I crossed mile 17.4 at 2:24:37 which (doing that math now not then) was holding the same pace as at the half. Looking at the spits, right at 18 is when the pace dropped by about 10-20 second a mile. I pulled off at mile 21 (the second 9 minute mile of the race) and did not need to number 2 but did have some gas. I think the stopping was a good idea, but I also wonder if I had just paused for a moment, farted to be frank and moved on, if that would have been good too. The relief at seeing the bathroom thought was legit.

I had some splitting my watch issue but the last two miles I got back to 8 and I did, even though I don't think it counts, realized I could get a Strava PR if I pushed and I did. I took the turn onto the track for the last 100 meters and a blood blister popped where I actually felt the liquid in my shoe. I had to hobble a bit, not able to catch the person in front of me, but was so glad it didn't happen earlier because that hurt a lot. 

I crossed the line and saw 3:38 and knew I missed the A and the B1 goal. I saw my husband quickly there after and met up. He got his goal, sub-3, and I said some nasty thing to him about the block and missing my goal. I regret that but... there was some honesty there too. I got a little teary and then just shut it down. I kind of wished we had visited and hung out a bit more but instead we went searching for the car. The big downside to him running faster is he's all ready to go once I'm done where as I'm just finishing.

I actually didn't feel awful. The feet hurt a lot (still kind of do and I'm going to lose a big toe nail) but the stomach was okay. I think my fueling was fairly good overall and, given the weather, it was easier than it could have been. I could have taken in a bit more water, but took in more than I have any marathon so I feel like I'm learning a bit there. 

A lot of the frustrating and being mad at myself then stems from the fact that I didn't feel totally wrecked and wasn't like vomiting. That tells me I could have done more out there. I feel like there's this mental switch I just can't flip during the race to pull myself out of a funk and try. It happened at Newport too where, I feel like if I looked at my watch with 10-7 miles to go and actually paid attention, I could make a difference, but I can't seem to get that focus to happen. I've done some math and if I hadn't stopped to use the restroom and was able to keep the pace around those stops that would have been about 2 minute and then, if I had just picked my damn head up with 7 miles to go and tried to shave off 5-15 seconds that could have been 35 second to 1:45 off and... there's the BQ.

But...I could have also peed myself or actually had a GI distress. I could have not done that, but it all sounds so easy. I know that this is work, I know ow it takes time and that a breakthrough could always be right around the corner. I know that consistency is it's own type of greatness and the ability to show up health and in shape especially after the training block I had during the work I had, is something. 

But it's not what I wanted and hoped for. That is life though too. You can't always get what you want.

I am not sure where I'm at in terms of what's next. I'll do my short summer races, not yet sure of the goals, and I'll do a fall half with friends hopefully. Also not sure of the goal there. And then I'll have to think about next spring. There is always the small thought of a fall marathon, but that seems a bit big right now so I'll let that one just sort of settle and see how I feel. Work took some turns the last few days so the extremely stressful summer I expected has actually shifted a bit, go figure. I may also consider two half this fall, an early and late just for something different with some being a goal and some being for fun. We'll see. I do feel a little bit like the world is my oyster whereas after Newport I felt ready to take on the world.

I am wondering this one again next year. It's a good race and a nice little trip that is different. The husband has promised to be my full support crew during the block, but we shall see. He is nothing if not fickle when it comes to emotions and what he thinks he is missing out on or not getting from me.

For now, I'm just going to keep letting this one settle over me. I am going to own the disappointment, but also recognize the success especially amongst one of the ore stressful parts of my work life. Even a "bad" marathon is a success in its own way.

A (Gentle) Reminder

 I was watching the French Open and you see the notes about the favorites, or top players, who did not advance. It's a reminder that failing, or not reaching goals, happens to everyone. And my running is my fun past time. It is not my livelihood, it is not my job, it is not, to be honest, my full identity. 

Those players will grieve, be mad, be sad, be frustrated and a number of other emotions that I also am, but they will also show up again and play again. 

I am not ready to show up again, but I probably will.

Bayshore Marathon - Part One?

There are a lot of thoughts this with one. I go back and forth between trying to sort out my feelings on it. Overall I'm disappointed. But it was also not a terrible day. I ran a 3:38:42 per the official results. Per my Strava I hit the marathon distance at 3:36:590 which shows as a PR. But that doesn't really count for anything other than on Strava.

I think, overall, I'm mad at myself. From the very get-go I gave myself an excuse or an out if I didn't hit the goal. I was mentally out of it almost from the start (or as much as one can be when they still finish a marathon). I think I was just done. I had a really good training block, but it was riddled with stresses at home and work. It consistent of pretty much constant anxiety and management that, when race day came after the travel, dealing with the husband, shitty sleep, I just didn't have the willpower anymore it felt like. 

My stomach was heavy form the get-go so I'll refuse to eat just plain bread again. I will refuse to sleep in a place that isn't perfect, even if the sleep doesn't follow. I feel like I started to have some actual stomach questions with about 12-10 miles to go, looking for a toilet for about two miles, and that just was one more reason to not push. But I was so close and I think back if I hadn't stopped twice (about 2:30 of lost time) and if I just looked and pushed like 7 miles out, I could have made it.

I think I'm frustrated that I didn't have the mental fortitude that I seem to have in everything else. Perhaps it was because that's all that I did and do so I also felt sorry for myself during this run and made it okay to not reach a goal. Perhaps some part of me wants to have this pity aspect. Who knows. 

I do know that I need a break. A bit break from a lot of things. I need time to heal and sort some times out. As Coach Bennett says: this is about running, but this is also not about running.

I think this will likely be part of of a few of my thoughts about this race and racing/training in general.

Training Log May 19th-May 25th

There isn't much to report this week as all I'll be doing beforehand is 4 and 3 miles, both of which went fine when I did them on Tuesday and Wednesday respectively. This week really is more about remaining calm, getting myself prepped both for work and for the race, and figuring out my goals and game plan.

I reached out to my coach saying:

Right now I’ve got the A Goal of 3:30-3:35, B1 Goal of a PR (3:37) or B2 under 4 hours* and C Goal of have fun (which is the goal on any of these) but also to reflect on the training plan and the enjoy the trip. 

*I know that is a big gap but the way that I’m feeling is if it seems like it’s not gonna be an A or a B1 day I still want to have a goal that makes me want to keep trying even if the wheels are falling off which is something more substantive than just “have fun”.

She seems to think I have a 3:30-3:35 given my training and I think so to, but I'm not going to only focus on that. I replied to her that, when I ran Providence and had such an epic fail I wanted redemption and that was Newport. Newport I almost needed it to go well to prove to myself that Providence was the fluke (delisted the fact I have four other marathon to support that). Having done what I did there, which was still short of the Big Goal but also was a Good Day, I don't think I have that pressure on me with this marathon.

The training block went well, but there were hiccups, both physical and mental. I didn't have to take that much time away and really, overall, hit the workouts and long runs, but there was the constant mental strain that also took something out of this one and out of me. I both ran peacefully when I was in my miles and with a cloud of anxiety. It was an interesting way to train and I think that I am okay with however Saturday goes.

There is also the fact that the point of this race is the adventure which means there can be things that just do not go well. We shall see but I hope that I feel okay coming away from this one.

Training Log May 12th-May 18th

May 12th: Rest day!

May 13th: The taper workouts always hit different. There’s this want for them to feel perfect but everything is starting to build against that including your brain. The workout was 2@MP, 2x1@HMP and 4x400@5k. I didn’t do this at my normal park as it was toasty outside and I was hungry so I did it on the Main Street of my town. It’s hilly and my legs were sort of beat. I mostly hit the paces but it felt hard(er) than I would have liked. The splits were: 7:44, 7:42, 7:14, 7:23, 7:07, 7:17, 6:59, and 7:08.

May 14th: Just keeping the legs going while keeping myself somewhat chill. Little less than six outside which went fine. 

May 15th: Rest!

May 16th: I just didn’t really feel like an outside run and just sort of wanted to zone out and watch tv so that’s what I did. I also thought about doing my workout today but it was warmer than I wanted and post work so melts with the schedule. 

May 17th: This was quite a humid day and I was worried about the tempo (4@MP) because I didn’t want to miss it and have that hang over me going into race week. But I also didn’t want to not try so I laced up and went to my road. I did this out and back to keep the ups and downs somewhat equal. I managed to hit the splits 7:57, 8:02, 7:55, 7:59. The effort was higher with the humidity and the rolling hills but it didn’t deflate me so that’s a win. 

May 18th: Last long run which was 9 miles. The stomach was a tad upset which may have been all the cheese or the growing stress that seems to come with race day but I kept it chill and got it done. 

Training Log May 5th-May 11th

May 5th: Enjoying the rest day after the long run workout.

May 6th: A 9 mile easy workout on a weekday? Yeah, not going to happen (although I did look back at this week last year, for reasons to come, and I did it then, go figure). But I got in a little over 7 and reached out the Coach who just tacked on a few extra miles in the week.

May 7th: Another little rest day, love it.

May 8th: The workout was 6 miles at MP and then 4x400. I was worried weather was going to roll in and almost bailed to do it at home on the tread, but held out and turns out, I made it before the storm came into existence. It was a little humid which I'm glad for as I try to embrace the warm and heavy running just as something that is. The splits for the miles were 7:59, 7:57, 7:56, 7:58, 8:01 and 7:47. I felt pretty good during them and am still trying to embrace the keep calm at this pace and just hang out. The 400s were just run paces and those were: 6:49, 6:37, 6:48 and 6:40. I wore the MetaSpeed Sky Paris for the speed parts.

May 9th: This run was suppose to be 7 but after drama I only got to 4.5, I'm frustrated with this because it's due to an outside force. I don't think something like that, especially at this stage, truly matters, but it's really flecking annoying.

May 10th: We've been having a bit of rain and that was present this AM. I think I could have ran in the afternoon and been fine, but I didn't want to run too close to the end of the day with a long-ish run on for Sunday. So tread it was. I got to watch some TV which is nice and got to my 8 which is also nice.

May 11th: Long run day. On deck was 13 and, clearly, you have to go to at least 13.1 which I did plus .1. It went fine. Maybe a tad heavy with the legs, but I'm not too surprised with the last three days on the leggies. I like this time of the training, before the taper scares set in, where it's "only" 13 miles.

And now begins the weather checking and packing lists.

Training Log April 28-May 4th

April 28th: You know what the was.

April 29th: The week day long run that is just that bit too long to make sense. This was supposed to be 8 miles, but I got in just over 7 and that was entirely fine. Once I hit the hour mark on a weekday it just is a bit too much especially since there's some form a cooldown or a walk depending on what's happening.

April 30th: This was another previous workout that I'd done. 3-2-1 miles with the 3 and 2 at MP and the 1 and HMP with .5 between sets. When I looked last time I did this one way too fast and I also remember sort of cheating, meaning I stopped to use a restroom which gets the heart rate down. This time I wanted to keep the splits closer to MP where called for to just sit in that pace. I managed to do that pretty well with the splits: 8:02, 7:57, 7:55, 7:58, 7:55 and 7:32. I found that the MP pace was not something that skyrocketed my heart rate or made me feel out of control which was good. I also focused on remaining calm and collected when at those paces because, ideally, I'll be at that pace for a while.

May 1st: "It's gonna be May." Also rest day.

May 2nd: Well this day go away from me at work at the plan to be home timely, to run on my Main Street, and enjoy my Friday resulted in me getting home an hour and a half later than planned. My other original plan was to long run on Saturday which, viewing the temps, I was sort of iffy about, but with the late return from work and wanting to get in my miles, this all went out the window. It was frustrating and I worked hard to not have it derailed me. I was somewhat successful. I did the prescribed 7 miles on the treadmill (which started at 6:45pm!) and still managed to eat an okay meal and get to bed somewhat decent. I now shifted to long run on Sunday and the 6 miles on Saturday unless I woke up ready to go for the 20 miler.

May 3rd: I did not wake up ready to go for the 20 miler. But I did get in a very lovely 6 mile run on a local rail trail. It was warmer out so I just kept myself calm with a low effort and it was really nice.

May 4th: This was the last long run and it was a spicy one too. The plan was 7 mile warmup 3 miles at MP, 1 mile recovery three times with a 2 mile cooldown. I woke up early (which my watch had my sleep as optimal and at 90%, what?!?) and was at least beginning the run around 8:30. It was higher in temp and humidity then I think I handle well so I was already sort of making deals with myself and excuses that, if I couldn't do this, I have something to blame. The first loop around the lake made me feel less than optimistic about the pick-ups, but I told myself to try. I regrouped just a little but before the tempo started. The 3 miles actually felt okay. I felt like I was in control and wasn't overheating or at risk of dehydrating etc. I kept myself on a UCAN every 3.5 miles and took in salt tabs. I drank about 10 ounces of water which I think is still low, but I didn't feel awful. Each mile I just kept saying run the mile you're in and I kept an eye on the paces to stay within the MP goal. The splits were: 8:04, 8:01, 7:53, 8:02, 8:08, 7:55, 8:04, 7:58, 7:57. I enjoy that the last mile is always the fastest.

This was a workout where I realized that, although I really hope the marathon goes well, this was perhaps one of the best workouts I've had and easily one of the best long runs. I felt like I was in control even when there were moments with a little lack of control an spikes in effort/heart rate/stomach what's up. It was just good and an accomplishment. I am proud of this and that's something special.

Training Log April 21st-27th

April 21st: Rest day and, boy, is it needed. I am pretty wrecked today post that 20 miler. It is also Boston Marathon day so I was able to watch that a get in a small walk which didn't really help, but we'll pretend that it did.

And, let's just say, as I've gotten older, Boston Marathon still stings, but not as much. Maybe, just maybe, it's not all that matters for my running career.

April 22nd: I 100% need to move the workout to tomorrow. I had a nice exchange with Coach about the "failed" long run on Sunday. It makes everything seem that much better and not like it was a failure. I'm going to try and aim to keep the positive vibes this week which is not the easiest thing right now. I got in 6 miles after work at the house and that was good. Felt just normal about it but there was a lot on the brain so also felt heavy.

April 23rd: Big workout day: 7 miles at MP. Today was a first real glimpse of spring/summer weather that I'd be running in because I had no other time. I had a slightly shorter warmup (about 1.23) and then began to dance. I definitely felt like I should have brought water, but I just aimed to not focus on that and just try to move. I did the Lake Loop which isn't flat, but not like at my house. I managed to hold for all seven miles too: 7:46, 7:48, 7:50, 7:56, 7:56, 7:57, 7:55. There was a fad starting so that's always a tad worrisome when you think of how much farther there is to go at that pace, but it's all good. I really, truly am trying to enjoy this process as much as one can and not focus on what happens at the race.

April 24th: Rest day!

April 25th: And here's where I'm back to my anxiety and trying to make sure I don't face an issue. I am having some difficulty sleeping, not too bad, but enough, and it's mostly around work and running with life. It's really annoying and today I woke up at 4:30 and was like "okay go run sop you don't have to face an issue later" but I also didn't want to because I feel like I shouldn't have to run at 5am to avoid problems. But then I couldn't sleep... soooooo, I got up and ran. It was supposed to be 8 though and because of the time and tummy it was 4.2 so then I spiral about the distance and how frustrating it is to miss out on the plan because of others.  Do I think a missed 3.8 miles means I have a failed marathon? No. But do I think a constance missing of a few miles here and there will? Yes. I am finding my frustrating levels growing and I just wish that I could have a training partner that just let it be and let it go.

April 26th: The nice thing about running is there is always another day to try and be better. After the angst of yesterday, which I still hold onto and will, today's plan was the Michigan which I've done before. It's 1mile @ 10K, 1mile @ HMP, 1200 @ 10K, 1 mile @ HMP, 800 @ 5K, 1 mile @ HMP, 400 @ just go (splits: 7:02, 7:28, 5:20 (7:09), 7:30, 3:27 (6:58), 7:30, 1:43 (6:58). The weather was humid but not bad. I warmed up in my Superblasts and then switched to the Metaspeed Sky Paris for the workout. Man, those are some slick shoes. The calf was a little tight on the headwind harder workout, but seems to be not too much worse for wear. I enjoy this workout because it makes the HMP paces feel so nice after the 10K runs. I compared to last year and I'm just a bit slower this go around, but marginally and I think, if I was trying to match paces and knew them, I could have kept with last year so that's nice. I had some head and tail winds so tried to make it somewhat even. All in all, not too bad of a workout and hoping to shake some of the sadness from Friday's less than ideal work off.

April 27th: This was a shorter long run and, while I wasn't sure how my legs would feel after the Michigan, I just tried not to think on that. This was actual just a nice and simple long run. Nothing remarkable, but nothing difficult. I listened to podcasts and just moved.

Training Log April 14th-20th

April 14th: Day o' Rest.

April 15th: I'm not entirely sure how this week is going to shape up as to planning so reached out to Coach about the schedule. It was not too unobviously implied I should try and keep with it, but of course changes could be made. I already knew that I would do the big speed workout tomorrow, but today was a scheduled 8 and that's just a hard number to make work with life and whatnot. I thought, once again, that I could become an AM runner, but I think I am letting that dream die. It is asking too much of me and I'd rather make other adjustments and live with those. So, I geared up for the 8 today. I got to 7 which, honestly, that's a success. When I left work, there was a big old storm that rolled in and when I was able to start running there was thunder. So to the tread. Granted, the weather was just lovely when I ended, but so it goes. The calf felt okay on it, more or less good, so that's nice to think that I may have the tread back as an option going forward.

April 16th: This is a big workout, I think the longest speed session I've done if not part of a long run: 2x4@MP. I went into this knowing I wanted to do it and only making the smallest deals to bail. But I planned and committed to this full hour and half. And guess what? I did it. Not only did I do it, but it went really well. I am immensely proud of this workout. It's the type where, no matter what happens from here out and with the race, I can look back and say: "you know what, I gave this block a lot including this workout." The 4 miles were nearly identical in time 31:14 and 31:13 and the splits were 7:54, 7:47, 7:48, 7:44, 7:45, 7:46, 7:49, 7:52). I felt like I was pushing, but not like I was toast at the end. I still am questioning the ability to hold that pace for 26.2, but that's okay. That's pretty much all of marathon training. I also did this as an out and back (2 out, 2 back) because of trying to get the same benefit and resistance of the wind and what hills there are. This one is going to stay with me for a while.

I've also grown as a runner where, now thinking about this workout, I don't think about what I can do on Memorial Day, I think about being proud of this hard work. It may not result in something that I want, but that doesn't take away from how it went, how strong it made me, and a benefit that's beyond a race. Before I would have just thought about what it means for the race, and while that is still applicable, it's not the only thing that matters. I'm just trying to be better and, perhaps that means something big on the other side, or perhaps it just means I am better for doing this now no matter what may or may not come from it.

April 17th: Another nice rest day. I never got into being able to cross train this block. As usual.

April 18th: I had a haircut after work, so despite knowing I could fit in a run after work, I went with the am attempt. I also, as of this moment but not as of writing this, planned to long run on Saturday so I wanted as much space between my runs. I managed to get up and get out the door. It wasn't too bad; heart rate is always a little higher and paces a little slower, but the miles were done.

April 19th: My Friday was Something Else and I was wrecked from the day. I still kept hope alive, eating pasta and prepping for a long run, but with my body feeling pretty wrecked and the heat I knew was coming (so a necessary earlier start) I was beginning to see the writing on the wall. I called it mid-night turning off my alarm and just went with the days being moved (again). I didn't bother to reach out to my coach knowing she probably was dealing with Boston Marathon runners and, really, the decision was made. Best she may have said was not to run butttttt, yeah, I was going to run. It was toast(ier) than usual, but not a bad easy run.

April 20th: The plan for the day was a spicy long run (3-3@MP-1-1@HMP-1-3@MP-1-1@HMP-1-3@MP-2). I did this run for Newport and it was a challenge but I got it done. I'm trying to include the husband in some of these plans so he was going to the rail trail and despite knowing better, I decided to join there. I have come to *hate* the rail trail unfortunately because the subtle inclines are the worst for me mentally and pace wise. I think, in retrospect, I self-sabotaged. But I did go out for the 3 mile warmup and started the MP 3 miles, but 1.5 miles in it was a decision time. The pace was hard, but not in the hard but okay way but in the I'm not going to make this way. A lot of that was probably mental, but I still have a long way to go with that aspect and, when you're by yourself on a trail, facing 15.5 more miles, sometimes you have to make a call. So I stopped the watch so it stopped harping at me missing my paces, and restarted. I forced myself through the rest of that 20 miles knowing that I was not going to fail in two ways for one run. I reached out to my coach and am just waiting to hear back but hopefully it'll be positive support. I still have one more spicy long run with 20 and this time, the focus in on that run.

I am proud, though, of having completed the 20 miles. I think a few years ago I may have bailed and bargained my way out of it, convincing myself it was fine. It probably would have been fine, but not ideal. Now I knew that I should try even if I didn't succeed in one way. 

Training Log April 7th-April 13th

April 7th: On deck was a speed workout of 3x2miles at 7:51. I did the warm-up and about halfway through the 1st mile at the prescribe pace, my calf just started to let me know it wasn’t happy. I have been there before, just recently!, and so I decided that I would just dial it entirely back. I ended up doing a easy 6 mile run and the camp with more or less OK with it if not a little bit sore but I was proud of that decision.

April 8th: In discussing with my coach, the plan was to keep the week as scheduled and just move forward. Today was a rest day. Done and done. It helps too that my in-laws come in tonight

April 9th: As mentioned, my in-laws are in town and I didn’t have the energy to wake up early and do the 6 mile run after staying up way too late chatting. It would be very rude, I think, I do the run with them here for a short time so I skipped it. It’s really hard to not consider this week already a failure and to be worried about the implications going forward. But there is something to be said about some things mattering more and will a 6 mile skipped run really do me in? We shall see but sometimes you have to make the hard decisions.

April 11th: I am essentially forcing myself to get this train back on the track. Today was a long speed work out, but it worked out after discussing our schedules with my husband. On deck with 2 x (1.5mi, 1mi) with 800 rest jog all and strength pace which is 7:51. I did this outside and after work, and I was happy with all of the splits, which were above the prescribed paces:

Splits: 11:24 (7:36), 7:30, 11:23 (7:36), 7:39.

I cut the cool down a little short but overall nothing too bad and pretty happy with this one. Everything felt good and I’m hoping that the calf continues to make its little recovery again.

April 12th: We woke up to 6 inches of snow. I knew there was crummy weather this weekend but I thought it could be worked around. Not actually the case now. I was trepidatious about the treadmill because I think it does cause my calf some issues but there was no other option today so I lacked ip and got the 8 miles done with not much worse than wear. I feel like I’m slowly clawing this week back

April 13th: Luckily the bad weather cleared up so I was able to do the 14 mile long run outside with just a normal amount of layers. It was a pretty good 14 miler where I felt steady, paces were quicker than I expected it to be, and the heart rate was kept low. I don’t entirely trust or rely on the heart rate because sometimes how the watch sits on my wrist seems to affects things, but it was nice to at least see it a tad lower. Also just a nice end of a week that really got away from me at times.

Training log March 31st-April 6th

March 31st: Rest rest.

April 1st: I had a later start so was able to run on the morning at a reasonable time. I did six, planned seven, and it went fine. I feel like I may be over whatever calf issuei had if I keep on top of the easy stuff.

April 2nd: Here was the real test. The plan was 6x1mil @ 7:51. The funniest thing about a small injury is how everything see So Big. Overall, this went well! I did 5x1mi as the calf started saying “hi” around the 4th set and, when the cooler temps started to settle I knew it was best to call it.

Splits: 7:42, 7:40, 7:42, 7:36, 7:44.

April 3rd: 👋🏻 rest day

April 4th and April 5th: I usually don’t love the idea of combining two days of running but they really were pretty similar. Both were easy time on the feet, moving and seeing how everything felt. Both went well about and happy to keep the miles up.

April 6th: The goal of the long run workout was 4mi-4mi@MP-1mi-3mi@MP-1mi-2@MP-3mi

The reality was all that minus 1 mile of the cooldown. Overall I’m happy with this in retrospect but it was hard in the moment. The warmup was sluggish, maybe the podcast, maybe just life but it wasn’t the easiest mental start. Then I started with the up tick which were hard BUT I held on. I had some stops after the tempos to change clothes or deal with the teeth but I think I stopped at better times then I had in the past. The weather was its own thing so I started narrowing in on my route to make sure I had a option for warmer clothes or even a nail out which I didn’t need it turns out. I ended a little early as the calf was starting to show up and I was beginning to drag and suffer in form. Overall, this was a win although not a grand slam. Running, turns out, is a challenge.

Training Week March 24th-March 30th

March 24th: Rested.

March 25th: I'm once more back on my morning workouts. Work is just so unpredictable and my husband can be just as unpredictable with what mood he may be in towards my running that I figure this is, somehow, easier. The workout was 2x3 @ strength pace which is a 7:51. I got up and been running at 5am (oof). Even with the wicked early start, I knew pretty soon I was going to run (pun intended) out of time. I also did, in fact, was up the husband so I was aware of that. I did 1x3 and then 2x3 with a brief cooldown (there was a mile warm-up too). I was bummed to miss the last mile because things were feeling pretty good so I hoped to complete it. But so it goes. 

March 26th: Rest. I still have not gotten the hang of doing something other than running when I had a planned rest day.

March 27th: I was home early so debated about going inside or outside, literally changing outfits twice, but finally settle on in. The workout was 12x400 and I didn't relish the idea of that on the roads by me and didn't want to drive back towards the park I usually run at so off to the treadmill I went. I was only sort of looking forward to this; I really should have gone outside but I started. I was wearing the Brook Hyperion Max which I love the feel of, but they do seem to cause some tightness in my calf. Like an idiot (reason coming soon), I kept those on for the warm-up and the calf was just getting a little bit tighter and tighter is then I switched to the ASICS MagicSpeed for the workout which I forgot how nice those felt too. I then got going on my first 400 which I made it all of .20 before something just went OUCH in my calf. I've never stopped the tread so quickly, even doing the guide rail jump. The calf was wicked painful. I walked around a bit, I slow jogged in place for a bit, I even considered going outside for a bit, before I called it. The day was done, my calf was done, and now it was a waiting game to see wth I had done. I reached out to my coach letting her know and then just sort of despair ate some chips for dinner, depresso expresso.

March 28th: No run for me today. The calf is still quite sore. I am more than positive I didn't tear anything because I think that has to feel worse then what I did, but there's something happening. I have a calf sleeve that I'm rocking and just seeing where things go. I'm trying not too be concerned about the big picture stuff because, let's be honest, it's not that big of a deal about my marathon. Do I want to continue training and have hopes of doing well? Yes. Am I going to be annoyed if I did something to my calf (because I was an idiot)? Yes. Will I be okay if I did something to my calf and have to scrap the block? Also yes. This running thing for my stress relief, my joy, my escape. I will work through whatever happened and find joy elsewhere. It's not that deep.

March 29th: I tested the water of the calf with an outdoor run. I did 3.5, talking myself out of 4 because, what will that extra half mile really do?, and it went okay. The calf was tight, may be a little sore, but no worse. Afterwards, as I write this, it was not too bad at all. I'm hopeful that the Brooks just aren't for me and cause my leg mechanics to work in a way that does not work for me so my calf reacted, got angry, and needs some time to calm down. That was that I was seeing before with them (and yes, I kept trying them out because I like the feel of them during the run and I'm an idiot) so I'm hoping I can do 10-14 tomorrow to keep mostly on track for the week and big picture. I'll be happy to get some miles and see less pain though too and see what Coach has to say about it all from there.

March 30th: Before heading out, I’m going to list the goals for the day. A Goal: 14 miles, B Goal: 10 miles, C Goal: any miles, hopefully 5-7 but being smart.

Good news: I got a half marathon in for this run. I could have gone to 14 but am in the mindset of not pushing and not caring (haha?). Overall it went well and I’m happy with how it went and feel like I’m over whatever jump happened.

Training Week March 17th-March 23rd

March 17th: Post-Eastern States which was mostly sitting due to travel and then house stuff before the week starts.

March 18th: Despite spring coming here, the time in which I start running isn't always going to result in daylight at the end. Plus, it's still layer weather and after work sometimes I just don't want to do that. Today, I stayed inside and went for an easy five on the treadmill. Not much to report and feeling overall pretty good post-Eastern States.

March 19th: Rest.

March 20th: Again this was just miles really. It was planned for longer, 7 miles, but I was a bit later than expected and didn't want to be for as long as I would need to be to reach that distance so I moved the 7 to to the weekend.

March 21st: I planned to do this speed workout outside as I would have a free evening, but a poor sleep and an intense, albeit okay, day at work, had be home late and tired. I was going to jump on the tread but realized I didn't want to be inside and so I mustered up my willpower and went outside for a little over 5 miles. I felt overall okay, nice to be outside, even if the legs were a bit dead. I reached out to my coach to see a good game plan for the rest of the week, but it may just be a speedless week which, with Eastern States, I'm not too concerned with.

March 22nd: This 7 miler was just one of those runs that clicked. It wasn't particularly easy as the route was hilly, but it never felt like a slog. It just sort of rolled and there was a nice breeze that made me keep my gloves, but sun so I knew I was outside. I needed the break as well and really enjoyed the time and the music I had.

March 23rd: Not going to lie, when I saw what the weather was, and I was so disappointed in myself for not considering this the run on Saturday that I was already coming up with more reasons why the run was not going to go well. I essentially was in a mental spot of already labeling the run and failure and that if I did 13 (plan was 16) that would be a “success”. I really tried to kick myself out of that thinking which was somewhat successful at by basically just pushing forward. The miles in the beginning were definitely not the easiest. It took me a while to get my focus and to not only think about how much more there was to do. I tried to listen closely to my podcast as well as play the game about fueling. In the end the almost 16 miles we’re done with relative ease in terms of how the body felt even if the head was dragging. It actually felt like I was running much slower than what my splits ended up being which was a pleasant surprise. This was one of those runs where I was proud that I got it done because it was a just grit-and-bear it run.

Training Week March 10th-March 16th

 March 10^th: Resty-rest.

March 11^th: Because of Eastern States there’s only one work out this week. For the past few days I was dead set this was only 6x800 believing it so much that’s what I programmed on my phone. I hoped/planned to do this outside as I have the dog boarded and no husband at home. But once it came time to head to the park where I run these, I just didn’t want to. For one some friends were meeting up to walk and I didn’t want to just keep run by them and two, although it is lighter now I figured I’d be finishing in the dark. So, home to the tread I went. The workout went pretty well. I managed to pick up the paces a bit from the last time I had some 800s and felt in control. I ran in my new Brooks Hyperion Max 2 and they felt fancy and free.

March 12^th: A long recovery run after a long workday including picking up the doggo, felt exactly like one would expect. It was a planned 8 but I promised myself I’d do an hour. I went a little over that to get to 7 on the tread and that was good for me. The work on Tuesday and this late run has been not sleeping the best per my watch because I go from hard work, to food, to shower to sleep. I’m looking forward to the rest day and to the day off on Friday.

March 13^th: Rest, done and done.

March 14^th: I took today off of work and it was quiet nice. I solid sleep and an easy little 5 mile run back into packing and sitting. 

March 15th: Just a quick run that was scheduled as three but I just did what worked. Nothing special which isn’t a bad thing. 

March 16th: Eastern States! This was our 5th time doing the 20 miler and probably the best logiscally. It’s a late start which make fueling interesting but the toast, PB and jelly held me through. My main goal was to do this was a harder long run. I modified that as it got closure to focus on fueling. When I went into it I thought about a prior year progression run but I’m really bad at those so want excited about it. I then figured just do a long run but … boooooring. So, once I started at saw my splits being pretty consistent at 8:28-8:30 I thought okay let’s do this first ten meteradome style. Just try and glide through 8:30s for ten miles and then drop to 8:00-815 for the last ten. I had a few folks I saw and chased down which was a good distraction and then I went at 10 (a little before actually). I wasn’t able to go below 8:15 really but I did pick it up. I was colder than expected with the weather so that kept some mental power although not physical aside from when I tried to open gels (oy!). I focused on needing to pee which I think was actually a defense mechanism but I finally pulled off to a port-o-potty at 16. It cost me about a minute but I think the mental gain wasn’t a lost. I had a good second half and a good last 3-4 miles mentally. My gel intake could have been better and I think I need to try a plan UCAN and se how that sits…

Overall, I’m happy with this result. It was a PR and I feel like I tried something more the second half and tried to not shy away from the distance. I’m still needing to work on fueling as I think that’s a big missing piece but this wasn’t a misstep. 

The positive mental game was pretty good and I just trying to keep remembering that I get to play running. That being out here is fun. It’s something I get to do and choose to do. What a gift!